We are verbal creatures whose thinking is largely language based. We develop our own unique narratives and have internal dialogues with ourselves to make sense of life. We are both creating our thoughts and listening to them at the same time. Not only are we listening to our thoughts, but we also negatively judge them as well. We also judge the thinker, not just the thought. The messenger, us, gets beat up by our inner critic as we entertain continuous doubts about ourselves. Alternatively, we could check our thoughts for their truthfulness and positive intentions.
Most people have unkind thoughts, from time to time, that we rarely weaponize. However, being mindful of illogical and unloving thoughts is a worthwhile practice. Weeding out harmful thinking is an on-going process of assessing the logic, truthfulness, and intention of what happens between our ears. Nurturing a logical and positive inner voice provides the foundation for us to be an ally for ourselves and others who may be in need.
This is where ‘Name it, own it, reframe it’ comes into play.
Name it, involves learning to name or identify problems and or opportunities. Problems and opportunities are essentially the same, as problems faced with optimism become opportunities. When we are acting jealous, for example, naming this emotion and acknowledging our jealous behaviour, helps us to turn jealousy as a problem into an opportunity. Unnamed jealousy or jealousy that is being denied, is harmful. Identifying it as an issue allows us to focus on the problem rather than putting ourselves down. Labelling ourselves as an idiot for feeling jealous simply side tracks us away from turning this problem into an opportunity.
Own it, involves accepting our part in all that we think, say, and do. If we won’t own the problem or take some degree of responsibility for our part in it, we have relinquished our power to others to resolve our own issues.
Reframe it, is a positive spin or healthy perspective on the challenge that faces us. Jealousy when acted out is highly damaging to relationships. By sharing our feelings of jealousy with the person we are jealous of, is an act of reframing jealousy that creates positive interactions. Expressing the root of our jealousy, what is it that we value so much, is a courageous act and a compliment to our recipient, all rolled into one.
When we experience rudeness, intimidation, coercion, lying, or some other form of manipulation, naming it, brings it out of the shadows and into the open. When our child is being bullied, or we are receiving disparaging remarks, we can ignore it, or we can give our thoughts on how justice and kindness can make a difference. When people are called out for their inappropriate behaviour, they often lose their appetite for further control over us. Their game is up when we articulate without malus a person’s harmful intentions, especially when we acknowledge that they are more than capable of better conduct.
If we name it, by being equally unkind, we have unfortunately mimicked their poor behaviour. Instead of verbally attacking a bully, by calling them an idiot, or a coward, we can put the truth in a way that allows them to hear it without taking unnecessary offense. It may be more palatable to reference their behaviour as, “your language and treatment is demeaning and manipulative,” versus, “you are small minded, mean, and controlling.” In Naming it, we want to avoid the game playing of defending ourselves through attacking others. The goal is to simply name the issue without belittling the messenger. Issues get handled more effectively when we avoid making it personal. Often, we are taught to criticise the person that we disagree with, to discredit them, is a strategy for winning the argument. The objective of naming it, owning it, and reframing it, is to deal solely with the issue. Solving the problem is the priority over the need to be right, to be recognized, or for that matter, to take credit.
Once we have named the problem and owned our part in it, it is time to reframe the issue. Metaphorically reframing might look like this. Imagine we have a framed picture of our nemesis or bully. We could write -loser- across the photo and place it on our dart board. This shows the foe still has power over us and continues to trigger our anger. Or we might write across their picture, -a creative opportunity- and remind ourselves that this person will help us to be more resilient and compassionate. Reframing any issue is designed to accentuate the possible gifts that it provides. The broken arm could have been much worse. Getting fired, helped you find a more satisfying job. Any troublesome issue can be gift wrapped in a way to shift us from being a victim to one who seeks opportunity amidst adversity.
Namaste
Chris Leigh-Smith