A powerful gift we can give our kids is the ability to communicate effectively, honestly, and respectfully. Strong communicators are more likely to build lasting relationships, earn the admiration and trust of their peers—and even get promoted at McDonald’s. Our children’s needs and wants will also be taken more seriously when they learn to communicate clearly.
Of course, there’s a downside to raising articulate, persuasive little orators: they’ll often get more of what they want—from us, in particular. Every gift has its price.
However, if we teach communication alongside the virtues of compassion and empathy, hopefully their abilities won’t be used for the dark side. As Obi-Wan Kenobi once said, “These are not the droids you are looking for!” Learning to advocate for oneself—and for those who need support—is a wonderful skill. Likewise, learning when to abdicate leadership is a selfless act. And most selfless behaviours positively impact our confidence and happiness.
Here are some ideas to explore with your young padawans.
Advocating and Abdicating: The Basics
Advocating—speaking up—means voicing what you believe is right when it feels necessary, timely, and true. Whether you’re expressing personal needs or publicly supporting a cause, policy, or person, it’s a courageous act. Advocacy often involves risk, especially the risk of being misunderstood or facing backlash.
Abdicating—intentionally stepping back—means releasing responsibility, power, or control for a better outcome. It can promote autonomy and leadership in others. Think of an older sister encouraging her younger brother to tie his own shoes or beat the eggs for a favourite cookie recipe. Whether the result is success or eggshells in the dough, she’s helping build her brother’s confidence and competence. In this case, she’s both advocating for his growth and abdicating the urge to take over.
Above and Below the Line
Kids can advocate or abdicate from what we call “above the line” (with positive, empathetic intention) or “below the line” (with selfish or manipulative motives). Parents can help their kids become more aware of these choices by asking gentle, observational questions.
For example, Mom might ask:
“Why didn’t you just tie your brother’s shoes? Wouldn’t that have been faster?”
“Why did you ask him to help with the cookies if he might make a mess?”
When asked in a kind, accepting tone, these questions don’t criticize—they invite reflection. Mom might then add,
“Better to teach a skill than to bake perfect cookies. We only learn through trying.”
In doing so, she is advocating for her daughter’s leadership and abdicating the need for perfection. Win-win.
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Communication
Children (and adults) who learn to advocate for themselves—voicing needs and expressing feelings without guilt or shame—tend to be healthier emotionally. Being honest with ourselves and others creates unmatched emotional freedom.
On the flip side, people who suppress their needs or avoid speaking up often do so out of fear of conflict or rejection. Over time, this can lead to resentment, self-neglect, or even physical dis-ease.
Unhealthy or below-the-line advocacy sounds like constant complaining or exaggerating minor inconveniences. It stems from a “me over we” mindset—an entitled attitude that strains relationships.
Of course, how can kids learn what’s right without occasionally doing what’s wrong? We all dabble below the line sometimes. That doesn’t mean a child is broken—it means they’re learning.
Modelling Reflection
Take this example:
Dad asks his daughter,
“Why do you always get the front seat while your younger brother ends up in the back?”
He doesn’t accuse her of selfishness. Instead, he’s inviting her to consider her motives. He might follow up with:
“Are your wants more important than your brother’s?”
Now, she has an opportunity to reflect and defend her choices. This kind of conversation often brings more insight than a consequence ever could—unless the child truly doesn’t understand or doesn’t care, which are separate issues worth addressing.
Parental Modelling
Kids learn how to advocate by watching us.
When parents neglect self-care or remain vague about their needs, they model passivity. Over time, this can teach children to ignore their own needs or expect others to read their minds.
And when we stop advocating for ourselves, we may feel invisible, taken for granted, overlooked, or undervalued. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking no one cares, when in fact, we’ve stopped speaking up.
Abdication, in this case, becomes unhealthy. We hand off our needs to others—not because we trust them to lead, but because we’ve trained them to overlook us. That’s when passive-aggressive behaviours often show up: complaining behind someone’s back, manipulating a situation subtly, or avoiding direct communication.
Coaching Through Questions
Parents can offer guidance by asking questions like:
“Did you tell your brother you were feeling left out?”
“How can you express feeling excluded without expecting him to fix it for you?”
Rather than labeling behaviour as selfish or helpful, these questions encourage the child to reflect and build awareness. They promote independence, confidence, and emotional accountability.
Balancing Advocacy and Selflessness
The key is balance.
We can teach our kids to express their needs truthfully—without expecting that those needs will always be met. This teaches resilience, empathy, and emotional maturity.
When we take care of our own needs first, we’re better able to care for others. It’s the classic airplane analogy: secure your oxygen mask before assisting others. It’s not selfish—it’s logical.
While some situations call for sacrifice, we’re usually more helpful to others when we’re functioning well ourselves.
Final Thoughts
Teaching kids the difference between healthy vs. selfish advocating and abdicating is an ongoing process. Part of that involves helping them understand the difference between wants (nonessential preferences) and needs (the basics for well-being).
By modelling respectful communication, asking thoughtful questions, and encouraging accountability, we give our children tools for life. And we give ourselves permission to keep growing too.
Namaste,
Chris Leigh-Smith