When we like someone, we appreciate their presence in our lives. We tend to like people we approve of, those whose conduct we trust. Likeable people usually demonstrate maturity, dependability, and thoughtfulness. Sometimes, we like others because they’re funny, help us relax, or share our interests and beliefs.
So, does this sound like your child?
Don’t get me wrong, kids are wonderful. But their behavior isn’t always likeable. That’s understandable. They lack experience, tend to be self-absorbed, and are still learning how the world works. Children have an uncanny ability to push our buttons and trigger our insecurities. Why? Because, like us when we were their age, their brains are still developing. Neurologists remind us that all humans are born with immature brains, and it takes years, decades, even, for those brains to fully mature. Growth happens through experience, including making mistakes, often the same ones repeatedly.
Children are extraordinary, loving, and funny, especially if we don’t take their poor decisions too personally. But they won’t always be dependable, trustworthy, or even thoughtful. And yes, sometimes parents just don’t like their children’s behavior. That’s completely normal, and it's okay.
We Forget What It’s Like to Be a Child
One major source of parental frustration is forgetting that kids are still developing. We expect behavior and wisdom that they’re simply not capable of yet. That mismatch creates irritation, which often spills over into our interactions with our children, leading to anger and impatience.
Our role is to guide and coach them, to help them become thoughtful, kind, and respectful individuals. But when we demand that growth on our schedule, we create anxiety and slow the process down. Children learn best in a calm environment where mistakes are accepted as part of learning.
This calmness fosters emotional safety and protects their self-esteem. Parents are encouraged to set high standards for behavior, manners, respect, cooperation, while also accepting their children for who they are today. Acceptance doesn’t mean lowering the bar; it means offering guidance from a place of love, not frustration.
Balancing Firmness with Love
Parents can be strict and peaceful at the same time. We can hold our children accountable while treating them with kindness and respect. We can dislike a behavior without withdrawing our love.
Children need consistent coaching, clear expectations, and appropriate consequences. But they also need to feel emotionally safe. When discipline is delivered with love, it doesn’t shame or belittle, it teaches and encourages growth.
So much of early childhood is “monkey see, monkey do.” That’s why the people around our children, family, friends, teachers, play such an important role in their development. This doesn’t mean we have to eliminate anyone who doesn’t model ideal behavior, but it does make sense to surround kids with a range of positive role models.
Loving the Child, Not the Behavior
Parents who learn to separate the child from the behavior understand that it's possible to love your child deeply while disliking their actions. This distinction is essential, and difficult. If we don’t make it, we risk becoming emotionally conflicted. We love our child, but sometimes we don’t like them, and that’s confusing unless we can tell the difference between who they are and what they did.
This article is an invitation to parent with unconditional love. Loving discipline and respectful coaching are far more effective than passive-aggressive tactics like the cold shoulder, yelling, sarcasm, or guilt trips. Our love should be clear, consistent, and expressed both verbally and nonverbally. Children need to know, without a doubt, that they are loved just for being who they are.
When Things Go Sideways
When you're frustrated, try to remember what it felt like to be a child. How did you behave under stress? How did your parents react?
Children often misinterpret parental anger or withdrawal of affection as a sign that they are unworthy of love. They might conclude that making a mistake makes them a “bad kid.” Before we speak in anger or say something we’ll regret, it’s important to pause and regulate our emotions.
Even casual negative remarks about others can send kids the wrong message, that those who make mistakes are undeserving of kindness or compassion. Harsh labels can create an unsafe emotional environment, which undermines the learning process.
Take lying, for example. If a child lies and we call them a “liar,” it implies a permanent trait" once a liar, always a liar." Instead, calmly make an observation or ask if what they said is true. Avoid blaming, and focus on exploring the behavior and its consequences.
Keeping the Connection Alive
Without a foundation of love and emotional safety, children won’t be motivated to reflect or change. If they feel personally attacked, they’ll respond with defensiveness or withdrawal.
Effective discipline involves maintaining connection. Ask questions, stay curious, and focus on the behavior, not the child’s character. Children are more willing to accept consequences and learn from their mistakes when they feel secure in your love.
Regulating Ourselves as Parents
Let’s be honest, regulating our emotions in the heat of the moment is hard. If breathing and pausing isn’t enough, try asking yourself: What does my child need right now? This question redirects your attention and slows down your reactions. It helps prevent words you might later regret.
When you approach your child calmly and with intention, the conversation is more likely to be productive. It feels like a dialogue, not a lecture. No shame, guilt, threats, or bribes, just presence, questions, and guidance, all grounded in acceptance.
Reframing all behavior, good and bad, as learning opportunities helps you stay grounded. When you view your child’s actions as part of a natural developmental journey, it becomes easier to respond rather than react.
The Ongoing Journey
Children are a work in progress, like a road under construction or a cake that needs more time in the oven. They will make mistakes. They will be irrational. So will we.
When parents are emotionally steady, or at least outwardly calm, kids are more likely to open up and listen. An agitated adult will struggle to reach an equally agitated child. When your peace is in pieces, take longer pauses and deeper breaths. This helps you remember: your child is learning, not failing.
By adjusting our expectations and responding with patience, we become more effective guides. Our calm becomes their calm. Our love becomes their foundation.
Namaste,
Chris Leigh-Smith