When we judge others harshly, it affects us as much as it affects those we judge. Even if the other person is unaware of our negative thoughts or comments, a judgmental attitude can erode our self-esteem. While it may initially feel satisfying to vent anger or express unkind thoughts, it leaves little room for self-forgiveness. On some level, we recognize that our criticism of others often reflects unresolved issues within ourselves. If their behavior didn’t strike a chord, it likely wouldn’t provoke such strong emotional reactions. We’d simply notice it as their issue, not ours.
For example, when we judge someone for a lack of patience, we may be avoiding the fact that we, too, can be impatient. It's often easier to criticize others than confront our own shortcomings. What soothes our inner critic is observing poor behavior with compassion and understanding, rather than anger and blame. When we set aside our ego, we can relate to others’ frustration and their difficulty in managing life’s challenges. Being overly judgmental, humiliating, or shaming can be replaced with self-awareness and empathy. The empathy we extend to others is, in fact, the compassion we ourselves need.
We may think the person we judge needs a teacher, someone to “teach them a lesson.” But effective teachers are rarely cruel or filled with ill will. On the contrary, great teachers inspire change through connection, not ridicule.
Judgmental thoughts are a normal part of being human. Our minds can be highly critical, especially when we’re feeling insecure. This tendency becomes more pronounced when we feel safe to express our judgments. Unfortunately, the more vulnerable the target, the more likely we are to launch a personal attack. Vulnerable people are often less equipped to push back or advocate for themselves, which makes them easy targets. For someone who feels small and is seeking to feel powerful, this can be especially tempting.
Occasionally, however, we may direct our criticism toward someone confident and self-assured, someone who either sets us straight or simply disregards our comments. When this happens, we may begin to see that our judgments reveal more about us than the person we intended to criticize. After all, words only have power when the recipient believes them and defines them as negative. Confident people don’t allow others to define them; they’ve learned to defuse criticism by refusing to react, defend, or retaliate.
Becoming less judgmental starts with noticing when we’re feeling anxious or insecure. This self-awareness helps prevent judgmental thoughts from turning into disrespectful words or actions. The more we harbor negative thoughts about others without expressing them, the more we’re forced to confront our own self-doubt. Facing our flaws, however uncomfortable, makes us stronger and more self-aware. This kind of vulnerability is powerful: by acknowledging our fears, we create space for meaningful change in our thoughts and internal dialogue. Vulnerable people can admit their mistakes because they respect themselves enough to be resilient in the face of criticism.
By letting go of judgments and replacing blame with curiosity and clear observation, we begin to see the good in others with compassionate understanding. This doesn’t mean sugar-coating poor behavior, it means acknowledging that every harmful choice has its root cause. Understanding the reasons behind someone’s actions doesn’t excuse them, but it does increase the chances for improvement. Inappropriate conduct is best met with truth, kindness, and thoughtful guidance.
It’s also helpful to avoid making snap judgments in the first place. We rarely know what others are truly going through. Assuming we understand someone’s situation is often a dangerous oversimplification. In truth, the habit of assuming we "know" another person’s story can be a way of avoiding responsibility for our own emotional reactions. It takes effort and intention to seek understanding and respond thoughtfully to people who are acting out of their own pain or sense of inadequacy.
When we ignore our own insecurities, we’re more likely to react harshly to others who are also hurting. In these moments, we cast ourselves as judge, jury, and executioner, projecting our pain outward. We may even convince ourselves that we fully understand someone else’s life, when in fact we’re simply defending our assumptions. The more severe our judgments, the more emotionally invested we become in those assumptions. While jumping to conclusions may bring temporary relief or a fleeting sense of control, it builds a false sense of superiority. What may look like confidence is often arrogance rooted in self-doubt.
As parents, we may experience judgment, rejection, or indifference from our children, and often, we don’t fully understand the pain they’re carrying. Their unkindness can trigger our defensiveness. When that happens, let your anxiety or frustration serve as a signal to become vulnerable, not reactive. Replace critical comments with compassionate observations and genuine offers of support. Our willingness to drop judgment and seek understanding fosters emotional growth and peace for both parent and child.
It’s also important for parents to gently guide children when they express judgmental, mean, or disrespectful behavior. Modeling nonjudgmental communication and coaching them toward empathy is a cornerstone of peaceful parenting. Replacing blame with solution-focused dialogue creates a safe environment for growth and learning.
Namaste
Chris