The Bully Proof book has 3 major sections. The first section reviews the major concepts on improving self-esteem to become bully proof. The second section provides strategies to practice with your children. The finally section is going beyond bully proofing and creating authentic relationships. Many of the concepts and strategies are accompanied by the rich lore of story telling that you can share with your children.

Excerpt from:

Bully Proof: The Gift of Self-Esteem

by Chris Leigh-Smith

Illustrations by Sabrina Niebler

We Give Words Power – Part 1 of 3

Screening out negative self-talk is like pulling weeds in the garden of your mind.

Our children’s ability to deal effectively with bullies is significantly impacted by the inner dialog that they create inside their minds. Self-talk reflects children’s mental well-being and the strength of their self-esteem. If their self-esteem is strong, the messages from the bully will seem silly and will not impact them or trigger their inner worries about themselves. With the children at our school we often give the following example.

If you were approached by a toddler who called you a fool, you would probably laugh and not take the insult seriously. Nor would you wish the toddler harm, as they clearly do not know any better. However, we take it personally and get upset when the insult comes from someone we think should be respectful or know better. In return, we may judge them and wish them ill. This is our mind questioning, doubting, judging, and sometimes sentencing without compassion or forgiveness. We were confident with the toddler and our mind saw the insult as a harmless lie or opinion from someone who has no control over us. Why should an insult from an older person be any different? Could we alter our self-talk to counsel ourselves that all insults are harmless and that the insulter may be in pain and in need of our kindness rather than our hate? When we pay attention to the quality and content of our thoughts, we can transform our self-talk, so that it brings awareness, peace, and happiness rather than doubt and judgement. As parents, educators, and coaches, we can have an enormous impact on the inner strength and self-esteem of our children by directing them to be mindful of their inner dialog and to respect the power of words.

Our communication towards our children, whether verbal or nonverbal, has a powerful impact on their self-esteem. This is particularly true for our younger children, who have not yet developed critical filters that allow them protection from the negative messages from others. Children under twelve years of age are typically more in the alpha brainwave state than adults. This state of mind is essential for learning quickly; however, it is also very vulnerable to suggestions.

When we make comments about our children, especially in their presence, these messages go into their minds as easily and completely as files are downloaded to a computer. Statements like “my daughter is very thoughtful,” when said with truthful and supporting body language, gets installed as a positive program. Conversely, when you tell your child that she is lazy or thoughtless, this message will find its way into her mind and imbed itself like a virus to sabotage greatness.

There is a vast difference between telling our children that they are inconsiderate and saying that the behavior you witnessed lacked consideration. “You are inconsiderate” is a personal statement with the power to be accepted as a program or virus inhibiting future thoughtful behavior. A statement such as, “I observed that your behavior lacked some aspects of consideration” refers to how the child behaved rather than who they are. This feedback, especially if provided with unconditional acceptance and love rather than anger, offers a powerful learning experience for the child.

In a different example, a parent can sternly and with aggressive verbal tones and body language scold their child for not helping to bring in the groceries: “Do you think the groceries are going to walk in here on their own?” Or the parent, using eye contact, can express appreciation for help with the grocery bags in the form of a request. The parent thanks the child for an action they have not yet undertaken: “Thank you for doing your part in bringing in the groceries, I appreciate the kindness.” This respectful request and show of gratitude reminds the child of their responsibilities as well as reinforces the fact that even small acts of kindness make a difference to others. It also values the child’s need for autonomy and the power to make their own decisions.

In the first scenario the parent is coming from frustration and projecting blame and judgment on the child, who will likely protect themselves by building an invisible wall of defense, muting the parental outburst. In the second scenario, even if the parent is still feeling frustrated with the child’s lack of awareness and help, they choose to respond with kindness and calmness. With the display of composure in this respectful request, connection and motivation are established. If that doesn’t work, don’t feed the rascal. Just kidding—well, sort of. Experiential lessons are often the most influential ones. For example, the parent asks: “How are you going to enjoy one of those muffins if the groceries remain in the car?” Delivered with loving intent, the child gets the message without the sting of personal disapproval. The idea that I hope is becoming clearer is that our words and how we deliver them to our children are a reflection of our state of mind and heart. For us to teach our children to be thoughtful and compassionate, we must lead the way.

Our children will listen and accept feedback when it is given peacefully. They do not need to defend or build walls of resistance, for they are being respected as equals. The defensive walls that prevent listening will not go up if we are not labeling or attacking our child’s character but simply provide feedback on their behavior. Also, being close, touching (hand on shoulder) or hugging, making eye contact, and using humor and playfulness all go a long way in diffusing frustration and anger in both parent and child. When kids are treated in such a kind manner they are more likely to treat their peers similarly. Greater connection and positive communication diminishes the potential for bullying.

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