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Bully Proofing
Can we love people who are not loving in return? Do hurtful people, lacking in respect and decency, deserve kindness? Is there a way to be truthful and kind to those who are not thoughtful or principled? Loving the lovable is easy, especially if we are feeling good. Being respectful, kind, and inspiring to people we approve of is rewarding. However, showing patience and compassion to those who are undeserving can be challenging.
Excerpt from:
Bully Proof: The Gift of Self-Esteem
by Chris Leigh-Smith
Illustrations by Sabrina Niebler
...Continued...
Concept 20 Deflective Deterrents
It is a lazy mind that lets the body take a beating.
Mrs. Agreeable
Disarm the Attacker by Not Fighting
The bully pushed her way through the group to Lucinda, throwing one insult after another like daggers at the young girl’s heart. Each insult was deflected easily by Lucinda. After all, they were just words.
“You stupid, lazy, useless, boring loser!” blurted the angry bully.
Smiling, Lucinda mischievously replied, “Thank you for pointing out my most charming qualities.”
The bully looked deflated; none of her abusive comments had reached their mark.
Then Lucinda held out the olive branch, saying, “You can join us losers if you like. We are working on a get-well card for your friend Kathy. I know Kathy would like your name on this card.”
The bully did not choose to join the girls that time. However, Lucinda made the offer of inclusion again and again. Eventually, the bully trusted Lucinda and was welcomed into the circle of friends. It was the first time the bully had felt real friendship in a long time.
Read more about the book here!
Excerpt from:
Bully Proof: The Gift of Self-Esteem
by Chris Leigh-Smith
Illustrations by Sabrina Niebler
...Continued...
Concept 20 Deflective Deterrents
It is a lazy mind that lets the body take a beating.
Strategy 5
Be Agreeable
The strategy of “being agreeable” is about taking away the bully’s ability to argue or instigate further confrontation. It normally takes two to tango, two to argue, and two to fight. When the bully unloads an obvious lie on your child to initiate a confrontation, your child can simply agree with the bully. The bully is left in confusion, mouth hanging open. Without a rebuttal from the intended victim, the bully has less tangible means to promote the desired conflict.
This strategy of being agreeable can be a real gem, draining the life out of the bully’s attempts to push your child’s buttons. Being agreeable is often combined with humor to make a potent instrument for defeating the fears of victims and bullies alike. For example, the bully snarls, “You are the dumbest kid in the neighborhood.” Your child agrees by responding, “Yes, I am. And I have worked hard to earn that title.” The potential victim knows that this statement is designed to leave the bully without fuel to continue their attack. The victim has become assertive, not taking the insult personally or internalizing its intended harm, and, even if only momentarily, they have successfully and non-violently disarmed the attacker.
Ancient martial arts wisdom states, “The wise refuse to quarrel, so no one quarrels with them.” The bully doesn’t want to dance alone in his or her attempt to rile your child. Therefore, once your child has established a resistance to being lured into an argument and getting upset, the bully looks for a different dance partner. Agreeing with the bully ends the argument before it can even start. Imagine your child being insulted by the bully: “You’re an idiot.” If your kid argues that he or she is indeed not an idiot, it just gives the bully more opportunity to continue the debate and escalate the verbal attack. On the other hand, if your kid chooses neither to be defensive nor to take things personally, her or his calm demeanor and agreement provides the bully with no opposing fear or anger to build upon.
Similarly, if the bully calls your child a loser, his or her response could be, “Yes, I am the biggest loser on the planet, thanks for noticing!” The bully thinks, “Only a confident kid can say that out loud. She or he obviously doesn’t believe what I’m saying.” Our children can learn to accept any insult without being triggered emotionally. Their calmness and agreement dismantles the derogatory comment. “You’re an idiot,” can be followed with, “Thanks for noticing; I have been working on this idiot thing all day!” Practice is vital. Role-play “being agreeable” with your kids until it feels natural for them to not feel the need to strike back with negative words or defend their character.
Being agreeable works best when bullies taunt with disparaging remarks (as in the previous examples), not with accusations of misconduct. Being agreeable is not recommended when the bully is confronting by claiming the victim’s wrong-doing or delinquency. “You are the locker room thief” and “you are a druggie,” are examples of transgressions that the bullied child should not agree with. Children should avoid this particular strategy when they are accused of a specific wrong-doing or crime. Generally, this strategy can really shine with light-to-moderate bullying that criticizes children’s personalities.
We teach this tool to students in a progressive manner, starting with a trusted teacher who intentionally insults a larger group of students in jest. Since everyone is being called “scum,” the children feel it is ridiculous to take the insult seriously or personally. The next progression, when you feel children are ready and the timing is right, involves insulting them on an individual basis. Initially, the tone and body language that delivers the insult is kind in nature and the statement carries the feel of clowning around. The progressions can continue to increase in realism until the verbal bullying is delivered without warning and with tone and attitude. As children become more aware of the strategy of agreeing, their skills of acceptance and deflection grow. The former victim begins to understand that even vile verbal insults do not need to penetrate their calm or diminish their self-worth. The idea of taking the bully’s rants seriously and becoming defensive (falling into the bully’s trap) becomes a ridiculous notion and the put-downs seem laughable.
…to be continued….
Read more about the book here!
Excerpt from:
Bully Proof: The Gift of Self-Esteem
by Chris Leigh-Smith
Illustrations by Sabrina Niebler
Concept 20 Deflective Deterrents
It is a lazy mind that lets the body take a beating.
The art of Tongue Fu, or disarming your opponent with words, is the basis for our next set of strategies. These communication strategies require direct involvement with bullies, more so than the Initial Tactics. The bullied child requires a greater level of confidence (or at least the courage to give the false pretense of confidence). As in physical self-defense, emotional and intellectual defense can employ strategies that do not harm the bully physically or emotionally. Rather, they are designed to deflect harmful intent, to dissolve hurtful words or actions by acknowledging the truth, to derail aggression through questions, and lastly to diffuse anger with tactful humor.
As with the Initial Tactics, the Deflective Deterrents are often more effective when used in conjunction with other strategies. The bullied child becomes the master, choosing which strategy to apply and how. As these strategies are implemented with the bully, they work equally on the bullied child, disarming the ego and diminishing insecurities vulnerable to attack. By respectfully neutralizing the bully’s aggression, the bullied child reduces their own need for peer approval while boosting self-esteem. The first of these strategies is the easiest to start with; it is simple and effective and won’t take your child long to master.
…to be continued…
Read more about the book here!
Excerpt from:
Bully Proof: The Gift of Self-Esteem
by Chris Leigh-Smith
Illustrations by Sabrina Niebler
…continued….
We Give Words Power – Part 3 of 3
Always Second, Never First
The Power of Positive Thought
I trained harder than most of my fellow runners, sometimes twice a day. Even though I worked extremely hard and loved to run, I always came in second or third place, never first. When my races were over I almost always knew that I could have run harder or given the race more effort. I knew that, for some reason, I was holding back. One day, my coach gave us a talk on “weeding the negative thoughts out of our minds.” It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been telling myself before every race that I was not fast enough or fit enough to win; maybe I could come in second, but not first. I put my coach’s words into action the very next race. It was an 800-meter race and I paid attention to my self-talk as it drew near. I did not tell myself that I had to win or be the best, for I have no control over that. I did weed out all my limiting thoughts, like “I am not good enough, not fast enough, and not fit enough.” I replaced them with powerful thoughts of feeling light, quick, strong, and loving to run. It wasn’t about winning the race; it was about performing to my highest potential.
Clear your mind.
It was my best race ever, for at the finish line I knew I had given my all. I came in first place that day. Since then, I have completed many races and have felt great about my efforts and accomplishments regardless of my placement. Now I use this skill of clearing negative or limiting thoughts from my mind all the time.
I’m older now, coaching kids in track and field. I still weed the garden of my mind and teach that skill to anyone who wants to listen.
Read more about the book here!
Excerpt from:
Bully Proof: The Gift of Self-Esteem
by Chris Leigh-Smith
Illustrations by Sabrina Niebler
…continued….
We Give Words Power – Part 2 of 3
I remember a lady who was registering her seven-year-old son at our martial arts school. With her son at her side, she told me how clumsy and accident-prone he was. She was well-meaning and wanted to convey to us that she hoped the training would help him. Afterwards, I asked if she was open to some feedback. She agreed. I explained how her description of her son reinforced the mental program that he ran about being clumsy and accident-prone. If his mind believed that this was who he was, it would become the story that he unconsciously played out. It may have been true that her son was prone to being clumsy at that time. However, do we want to reinforce this belief or label? Can we choose to impart messages that promote growth rather than limitations? In the presence of her son, she might have said, “My son is keen on learning martial arts to focus on improving his agility and coordination.”
The power of words to create beliefs or programs in a child’s mind cannot be overstated. Changing how we use words for ourselves as well as for our children can have overwhelmingly positive effects. We can say our child is lazy or we can say that their room is messy. The first statement is judgmental and promotes the idea that your child has a condition or disease called laziness. The second statement makes an observation that can be followed by a request: “Please clean your room.” Parents who are careful about the words they use will raise children who are more aware of how they communicate respectfully with others. The power of our words or the intent of our communication is relevant to all our relationships, with self, others, and bullies.
Take the time for truth.
When disciplining or controlling our children (as a means to raise and protect them) we may struggle with our communication and use words that diminish confidence, manipulate negatively, and even threaten. As a result, our children are going to misuse their words in relationships; often this can place them in jeopardy with bullies and make them an easy or attractive target. Small yet important changes in how we say things to our children make a difference. Adults will go to great lengths to drop their mortgage rates by even a slight percentage point, as we are tremendously aware of the significant impact this will have in the long run. Likewise, slowing down and taking the time to carefully and consciously speak to our children in a truthful and positive fashion will have a profound impact over time.
Just as we should develop an awareness of how we talk to our children, we must help them develop an awareness of how they talk to themselves. Teaching our children about self-talk or inner dialog is a major tool in their ability to enhance and maintain their self-confidence. What our children say to themselves in their minds shapes their attitudes, their behaviors, and then their habits. Take time to ask children to reflect on their inner dialog to determine whether it is positive self-talk or the ramblings of limitations and fears. Children do not need to feel guilty about negative thoughts. They can be encouraged to notice them and to replace unhealthy thoughts with positive, constructive thinking. For example, coaching your child to say, “I can” as opposed to “I can’t” creates more positive potential.
Children will give away their inner thoughts to the parent or educator who is willing to listen. Often our children’s words will not match their body language. The parent who listens with eyes as well as ears may catch the real message, one that is not being said but is definitely conveyed. For example, your child’s words may indicate a willingness to participate in a new activity and yet you notice that their body language and facial cues suggest otherwise. Your attention to what they are really saying may give you and your child the opportunity to address the pivotal issue of fear bouncing around in their mind.
As parents and educators, we definitely won’t catch everything. However, we can coach our children to talk positively and honestly to themselves. Provide your children with the analogy that their self-talk is constantly programming their master computer (their brain) to either succeed or to fail, that the cells of their bodies listen and respond to all persistent thoughts. Encourage persistently constructive and truthful thinking that accentuates the positive (without ignoring possible obstacles).
These are powerful strategies that take practice. However, they are worth every moment of thought and energy because they will take your children miles along the path of bully-proofing and self-actualization.
….to be continued…
Read more about the book here!
The Bully Proof book has 3 major sections. The first section reviews the major concepts on improving self-esteem to become bully proof. The second section provides strategies to practice with your children. The finally section is going beyond bully proofing and creating authentic relationships. Many of the concepts and strategies are accompanied by the rich lore of story telling that you can share with your children.
Excerpt from:
Bully Proof: The Gift of Self-Esteem
by Chris Leigh-Smith
Illustrations by Sabrina Niebler
We Give Words Power – Part 1 of 3
Screening out negative self-talk is like pulling weeds in the garden of your mind.
Our children’s ability to deal effectively with bullies is significantly impacted by the inner dialog that they create inside their minds. Self-talk reflects children’s mental well-being and the strength of their self-esteem. If their self-esteem is strong, the messages from the bully will seem silly and will not impact them or trigger their inner worries about themselves. With the children at our school we often give the following example.
If you were approached by a toddler who called you a fool, you would probably laugh and not take the insult seriously. Nor would you wish the toddler harm, as they clearly do not know any better. However, we take it personally and get upset when the insult comes from someone we think should be respectful or know better. In return, we may judge them and wish them ill. This is our mind questioning, doubting, judging, and sometimes sentencing without compassion or forgiveness. We were confident with the toddler and our mind saw the insult as a harmless lie or opinion from someone who has no control over us. Why should an insult from an older person be any different? Could we alter our self-talk to counsel ourselves that all insults are harmless and that the insulter may be in pain and in need of our kindness rather than our hate? When we pay attention to the quality and content of our thoughts, we can transform our self-talk, so that it brings awareness, peace, and happiness rather than doubt and judgement. As parents, educators, and coaches, we can have an enormous impact on the inner strength and self-esteem of our children by directing them to be mindful of their inner dialog and to respect the power of words.
Our communication towards our children, whether verbal or nonverbal, has a powerful impact on their self-esteem. This is particularly true for our younger children, who have not yet developed critical filters that allow them protection from the negative messages from others. Children under twelve years of age are typically more in the alpha brainwave state than adults. This state of mind is essential for learning quickly; however, it is also very vulnerable to suggestions.
When we make comments about our children, especially in their presence, these messages go into their minds as easily and completely as files are downloaded to a computer. Statements like “my daughter is very thoughtful,” when said with truthful and supporting body language, gets installed as a positive program. Conversely, when you tell your child that she is lazy or thoughtless, this message will find its way into her mind and imbed itself like a virus to sabotage greatness.
There is a vast difference between telling our children that they are inconsiderate and saying that the behavior you witnessed lacked consideration. “You are inconsiderate” is a personal statement with the power to be accepted as a program or virus inhibiting future thoughtful behavior. A statement such as, “I observed that your behavior lacked some aspects of consideration” refers to how the child behaved rather than who they are. This feedback, especially if provided with unconditional acceptance and love rather than anger, offers a powerful learning experience for the child.
Grow what you want.
In a different example, a parent can sternly and with aggressive verbal tones and body language scold their child for not helping to bring in the groceries: “Do you think the groceries are going to walk in here on their own?” Or the parent, using eye contact, can express appreciation for help with the grocery bags in the form of a request. The parent thanks the child for an action they have not yet undertaken: “Thank you for doing your part in bringing in the groceries, I appreciate the kindness.” This respectful request and show of gratitude reminds the child of their responsibilities as well as reinforces the fact that even small acts of kindness make a difference to others. It also values the child’s need for autonomy and the power to make their own decisions.
In the first scenario the parent is coming from frustration and projecting blame and judgment on the child, who will likely protect themselves by building an invisible wall of defense, muting the parental outburst. In the second scenario, even if the parent is still feeling frustrated with the child’s lack of awareness and help, they choose to respond with kindness and calmness. With the display of composure in this respectful request, connection and motivation are established. If that doesn’t work, don’t feed the rascal. Just kidding—well, sort of. Experiential lessons are often the most influential ones. For example, the parent asks: “How are you going to enjoy one of those muffins if the groceries remain in the car?” Delivered with loving intent, the child gets the message without the sting of personal disapproval. The idea that I hope is becoming clearer is that our words and how we deliver them to our children are a reflection of our state of mind and heart. For us to teach our children to be thoughtful and compassionate, we must lead the way.
Our children will listen and accept feedback when it is given peacefully. They do not need to defend or build walls of resistance, for they are being respected as equals. The defensive walls that prevent listening will not go up if we are not labeling or attacking our child’s character but simply provide feedback on their behavior. Also, being close, touching (hand on shoulder) or hugging, making eye contact, and using humor and playfulness all go a long way in diffusing frustration and anger in both parent and child. When kids are treated in such a kind manner they are more likely to treat their peers similarly. Greater connection and positive communication diminishes the potential for bullying.
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Read more about the book here!
After 10 years with much help from students, parents, family and friends, the Bully Proof book is finally poised to be printed. Over the next few days, we will be releasing excerpts from:
Bully Proof: The Gift of Self-Esteem
by Chris Leigh-Smith
Concept 1
Understanding Helps
…
We can shift the goal of bully-proofing from “how to defeat the bully” to “how to defeat our fears and learn from the bully experience.” Ironically, it is the fear within our children that attracts and fuels bullies and their dominating behavior. When we help our children become aware of the role that fear plays in bullying, they can begin to create greater safety and inner peace for themselves.
There are many important concepts and skills that will help children act with greater safety and ease around bullies. The first of these concepts is that the very reason the bully is able to control the child is because of the child’s fear of the bully. A second concept children need to know is that their fear in itself is not the problem; it is what they do with their fear that is. Do we allow fear to direct our thinking and thus our actions, or do we acknowledge fear and use wisdom to guide us?
Displaying fear to the bully encourages the bully to continue their abuse. Kids need to know that they can be afraid and yet project an opposite emotion, like confidence. It is easier to show confidence when the bullied child realizes that the bully mentality is cowardly by nature. The bullies’ strategy is cowardly because bullies seek out potential victims that they perceive as being weaker than themselves. To help children defeat the threat of being bullied and learn and grow stronger from the experience, we must first demystify the bully. Our children can rise from being lost in the mystery to having greater self-mastery when they understand the true nature of bullies, their insecurities and their desperate need for power.
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Read more about the book here!
We discussed self-esteem as the key element in helping students to bully proof themselves. One concept in aiding youth to build their self-worth / confidence is through awareness of personal strengths. Sit down with your child to identify the character traits that they value and already posses. Asking questions of your child on how they demonstrate these traits can assist in validating and creating awareness of strengths.
The parent can then begin to help their child to identify character traits that they would like to develop, that are not currently being applied in their lives. Again, asking questions of the child on how they could demonstrate these traits is most useful in helping your child develop awareness around their behaviours.
Lastly, a technique which yields great parenting results is to view all children's traits as a gift. Traits such as stubbornness or shyness can easily be re-framed into strengths. This way the child gets to see that although stubbornness may be limiting at times, this wilful behaviour can also be a valued strength under the right conditions.
Kids who learn to love who they are, can more easily reshape their limiting traits into qualities that both enhance their lives as well as become a source of personal pride.
Make a great moment.
Instructor Chris
The strongest tool to protect our children from the bully is their self-esteem. The most valuable tool we have to engage life and learn is our evolving self-esteem. Confidence, self-worth, and our level of self-assurance creates a foundation of strength, courage, and logical connection to reality that turns the bullying experience into a learning one.
All steps towards understanding, building, and maintaining self-esteem will positively affect our child’s friendships, academics pursuits and all other activities, while creating resiliency regarding bullying and adversity.
Let the topic of personal worth be kept alive with your children through story-telling, books, and coachable moments. Celebrate the slightest of improvements while drawing awareness to your child’s insecurities in an accepting and loving manner. Being vulnerable and willing to share your own journey regarding self-esteem makes a profound impact on your child.
Namaste,
Instructor Chris
