Can we love people who are not loving in return? Do hurtful people, lacking in respect and decency, deserve kindness? Is there a way to be truthful and kind to those who are not thoughtful or principled? Loving the lovable is easy, especially if we are feeling good. Being respectful, kind, and inspiring to people we approve of is rewarding. However, showing patience and compassion to those who are undeserving can be challenging.
Providing love and respectful treatment to those who have abandoned caring for others, is the proposal. This idea may sound strange as society has conditioned us to treat people who exhibit poor character with contempt. The logic is that by showing our disapproval we can guilt and shame individuals into making better choices. We may also believe that our judgement of the undeserving demonstrates our resolve for being good and motivates us to stay on the high road. Through our toxic judgement, exclusion, and gossip, we separate ourselves from those we view as damaged. This allows us to feel better about our own transgressions, as limited as they may be. By condemning the wrong doers, we are perhaps seen as virtuous. By withholding empathy and compassion, we can justify our thoughts of being clearly above, apart from, and superior to those we deem lacking. For example, when we observe dishonesty, it is easier to judge them for their lies, than to reflect upon our own deceptions. We may label them as liars, assuming that this is who they are.
An important question to ask is why ourselves or others are lying. Occasionally, the reasons for lying are honourable and serve the greater good. This is a possibility often missed when we judge without seeking understanding. It is typically uncomfortable for most of us to investigate the reasons behind what we do, and easier to criticize the faults of others. Encouraging ourselves to not jump to conclusions, while holding out for their highest potential, keeps us open and empathetic.
Generally, our disapprovals are directed at the person, rather than their inappropriate conduct. Disapproval of the individual often results in excluding and marginalizing those with behavioural issues. It is healthier to distinguish between the person and their behaviour. Otherwise, we separate ourselves from those who need our love and guidance the most. The alternative approach to degrading or humiliating, is to seek greater connection. Providing dignity and kindness bridges the gap between people of conflicting viewpoints. It encourages understanding which opens up both sides to learning and positive growth. This approach requires empathy and the belief that unconditional love is a greater motivation for transformation of character than blame. It challenges us to keep loving others when we are not feeling the love. When love is replaced by outward anger, we create walls of resistance.
There is a difference between blaming and making astute observations, between accusing and coaching. Blaming is personal, it has an emotional barb attached, whereas stating an observation can be constructive feedback, that leaves dignity and connection intact. When people are already hurting emotionally and then they are blamed without acknowledgement of their self-worth, they become defensive to learning, understanding, and the willingness to change.
For example, if a person is treated like a criminal, they often see themselves as a criminal. A child who is labelled a liar by their parents is likely to adopt the notion that they are a liar. Kids, like adults, live up to their labels and reputations. It is not so much in what we say, but how we say it. Calling a child, a liar while withholding love and affection as a form of punishment, often creates more dishonesty. Blaming results in strategies to save face. While coaching with respect allows the offender to focus on solutions.
Revealing to a child when they are lying, assists them in taking responsibility for their deception, especially if we are still being respectful and kind to them. The love provides them the support and courage to deal with their issue. It is easier to accept our faults when we are still loved. It is easier to focus on solutions to our transgressions when our whole character and self-worth are not under attack.
Holding people accountable compassionately, still requires us to act and not to turn a blind eye. We cannot be an ally for virtuous behaviour without the courage to reveal and oppose unethical conduct. It is so much easier to be heard, to have influence, when our words and actions are presented with calmness, and respect. Loving those who are lost is a challenge that benefits us all.
Namaste,
Instructor Chris