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Coaches Corner
Learning to focus on our one true self sets a crystal-clear path for personal growth, allowing others to meaningfully connect with us and support our life goals. Development of our one true self is made easier when we understand the duo of the inner and outer self. The inner self represents our beliefs, values, and authentic voice, while the outer self is what we show the world in order to gain acceptance.
When a person’s movements flow like water, they are said to be graceful. When a person’s heart and mind collaborate in time, they are infused with grace. Those in a state of grace are often absent of fear. Even while accepting a perilous reality, they are emotionally unaffected by it. In moments of grace, we are clear of unrelated thoughts, the mind is completely absorbed in its current reality.
Recently I experienced a very peaceful dream where everyone on the planet checked in with themselves before making decisions. In the dream, choices, even the insignificant ones, were put through a quick screening process. People insisted on making choices that were aligned with their life aspirations of honouring truth, wisdom, and love.
Can we love people who are not loving in return? Do hurtful people, lacking in respect and decency, deserve kindness? Is there a way to be truthful and kind to those who are not thoughtful or principled? Loving the lovable is easy, especially if we are feeling good. Being respectful, kind, and inspiring to people we approve of is rewarding. However, showing patience and compassion to those who are undeserving can be challenging.
As my principal Jim Toews use to say, “There are no problems, only creative opportunities.” Opportunities are often disguised as tough problems. Some problems overwhelm us, and we find it difficult to believe that on the other side of tough, is a silver lining. Belief is critical.
So many times in life I was certain my goals were out of reach. Perhaps they were beyond me at that time because I couldn’t see them happening. I didn’t believe in the possibility. I didn’t feel the necessary resources were ever going to come available. I was also spending more time thinking why it wasn’t going to happen, than thinking about how it could.
The quieter we become the more we can hear. This universal wisdom speaks of our ability to be still long enough so that we can connect with our inner self. Listening to others is wise. Listening within and knowing ourselves is a process of enlightenment. Seldom do people afford the time to check in with themselves.
While it is healthy to acknowledge that we are all needy from time to time, there are times when it feels like our children have created a black hole of excessive neediness, that pulls everyone kicking and screaming into this dark energy sucking vortex.
Movement is magic for kids’ brains and their emotional state. When children are stationary for too long, their body chemistry diminishes their ability to regulate themselves. Unregulated leads to an increase in kids stress behaviours. Stress behaviour is different from misbehaviour. Misbehaviours are more intentional, agenda driven, and self serving. Stress behaviours on the other hand, are reactions to being tired, nutritionally drained, and in general, the child is over stimulated.
Living a meaningful life is synonymous with being content, although creating meaning in our lives is not always easy. The rewards are in the challenges and their necessary lessons. Perhaps our happiness is predicated on stretching our comfort zone, with learning, and making a difference in the world. At the center of meaningful goals is the relationship that we have with ourselves.
Learning to focus on our one true self sets a crystal-clear path for personal growth, allowing others to meaningfully connect with us and support our life goals. Development of our one true self is made easier when we understand the duo of the inner and outer self. The inner self represents our beliefs, values, and authentic voice, while the outer self is what we show the world in order to gain acceptance.
When a person’s movements flow like water, they are said to be graceful. When a person’s heart and mind collaborate in time, they are infused with grace. Those in a state of grace are often absent of fear. Even while accepting a perilous reality, they are emotionally unaffected by it. In moments of grace, we are clear of unrelated thoughts, the mind is completely absorbed in its current reality.
Today’s parents have new challenges. Previous generations were kept busy feeding, clothing, and educating their kids, while even earlier generations of parents were preoccupied with just keeping their children alive. Parenting challenges that exist today, like learning disabilities, gender identity, ADHD, autism spectrum, along with heightened anxiety and depression, either didn’t exist in the past, or we were unaware of them.
Recently I experienced a very peaceful dream where everyone on the planet checked in with themselves before making decisions. In the dream, choices, even the insignificant ones, were put through a quick screening process. People insisted on making choices that were aligned with their life aspirations of honouring truth, wisdom, and love.
Stirring the pot often reveals unpopular opinions that people do not want to hear. It dredges up stuff, like uncomfortable truths, which many of us wish to ignore. Unpleasant as it is, stirring the pot becomes a necessary evil. Alternatively, we can view pot stirring as an essential to our growth.
Can we love people who are not loving in return? Do hurtful people, lacking in respect and decency, deserve kindness? Is there a way to be truthful and kind to those who are not thoughtful or principled? Loving the lovable is easy, especially if we are feeling good. Being respectful, kind, and inspiring to people we approve of is rewarding. However, showing patience and compassion to those who are undeserving can be challenging.
It is normal and yet dysfunctional for people to be disrespectful to others, especially those we are closest to, like our family members.
We may mistreat siblings or parents, not appreciating how important relationships are, until they become too painful, or we lose them.
Often, to get what we want in family dynamics, we may use unhealthy strategies like ignoring, cold shoulder, and arguing to secure our preferences. These strategies are not only unhealthy, they are not sustainable over time. Both parties feel disrespected and they ramp up strategies to combat each other.
The healthy truth is that we don’t always get what we want, nor do we always deserve or need what we want. Being honest about our preferences is cool as long as you’re not attached to preferences becoming a reality. If we are only happy when our preferences are being met, then our selfishness drives others away form us. We may get what we want, at the expense of others. Life may feel similar to a roller coaster of ups and downs, happy only when life is smooth and frustrated when life is not what we want or versioned.
STORY: Told by siblings who survived the quake and became refugees in the USA
Back in the 70’s there was an article in Time Magazine about two siblings that survived an earthquake and subsequent mud slide in Romania, that devastated their village. The boy 9 and his sister 11, along with their teacher and other classmates, fortunately were on a field trip when the disaster hit. Upon their return, they discovered the village in ruin, the school buried by the mud slide and most of the villagers had perished. With winter setting in and no help on the horizon, brother and sister who once fought and bickered insentiently, now relied on each other for survival. Each day was filled with avoiding dangerous opportunists, searching for clean water and food, while trying to stay warm. Four months would pass before Red Cross was able to get emergency supplies to the area.
The brother, sister duo became a team when faced with this natural adversity. Prior to the earthquake, they recognized that they had fought over insignificant things. Who gets to go first, who gets the last cookie, who is right; they argued about petty stuff. After several days of having conveniences being replaced with difficulties, the siblings realized how self-absorbed and selfish they had been. The trials of this natural disaster allowed sister and brother to realize their small-minded behaviour and what was truly important to them.
The young boy, now an adult, recalled how his sister noticed that he was coughing with a fever, gave him all her food that they had scavenged together. He recalled how she went hungry so that he would have more calories to fight off his cold.
In the interview they stated that the tragedy of losing parents and friends, resulted in them gaining a new and healthy perspective of setting priorities in life. They learned to value each other over personal preferences, over small insignificant matters. They learned to take responsibility for another person, to even sacrifice their own needs to better serve someone else.
We do not need to experience a tragedy in order to learn from their story. Next time you find yourself in an argument or some altercation, remind yourself of what you value most. Hopefully it will be a prioritized set of values or code of conduct. Here is a sample of some basic human values:
1. Personal integrity – being authentic, just and honest. My behaviour is consistent with my words and or beliefs.
2. Kindness – Self care along with care and service to others.
3. Relationships over material items, social status, fame and or power.
4. Friends for no benefit – Your friendship is an example of unconditional respect and love. This means you are friendly and helpful, honest and caring without requiring compensation or even recognition. Your friendships do not resemble transactions, like, I will be your friend if you do stuff for me or act in ways that I approve of.
Throughout history generations have dealt with extraordinary challenges.
From famines, droughts, Tsunamis, earthquakes, economic collapses, wars, nuclear threats, climate change, and now a pandemic –
Each disaster witnesses people rising to the occasion to learn and eventually to overcome.
We have learned to pull together, to support each other, to share resources, that enable us to collectively and collaboratively combat adversity.
We have learned to be resilient to not quit, to persevere despite the many hardships.
Without challenging times, we seldom get a chance to develop and flex our most valuable character traits - creativity, patience, compassion and resourcefulness, to name a few.
Each year at Christmas we come together as a city-wide community in Calgary to aid those in need. Our food hampers raise thousands if not millions to feed the less fortunate.
Now we as a world are facing a tiny yet formidable foe. This challenge is being meet globally. Working together, from sharing information, to practicing hand washing and social distancing, we are tackling this threat, protecting ourselves and others.
Like so many problems, this challenge is not easy or simple.
Like our ancestors we will prevail and when this challenge is but a memory, we will find ourselves more socially aware, stronger and ready for future challenges that push us to be the best versions of ourselves.
Namaste,
Instructor Chris
What benefits the mind automatically assists the body and thus our spiritual pursuits are easier when the body/mind is healthy. There are so many reasons to engage in any activity, yet exploring our motivations strengthens our commitment and the quality of our involvement. Often I hear students say that when they leave class they feel relaxed, de-stressed and pumped about their journey. Yet many of us find it difficult to get our butts out the door to attend class. The part of us that loves comfort and is feeling exhausted at the end of a work day, doesn’t want to budge from our current location. Knowing the benefits or 'whys' (or should we say wise), leads to healthier habits. Our brains then will kick start our butts instead of sabotaging our well-being for the comforts of the couch. Remember the couch combined with electronics is the modern day equivalency to smoking cigarettes.
Here are some benefits to consider.
The Feel Good Factor:
Martial Arts (M.A.) training is a diverse compound exercise that delivers hormones and neurotransmitters throughout the body that make us feel and perform better. Like dance and gymnastics, M.A. taxes the whole body creating cardio, muscular and skeletal benefits not to mention increased flexibility and mobility. What many people do not know is that neurotransmitters like dopamine not only make us feel better by altering our mood and elevating our feelings of self-worth and confidence, they also enhance us cognitively. These chemicals released by daily exercise improves our ability to learn and to process information as well as retain what we have learned. Check out the book, “Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain" by John J. Ratey for the research on this topic.
Brain Fitness Factor:
As we age our brain ages. M.A. training not only provides the appropriate stresses to the heart, lungs and circulatory system, it also challenges the brain with complex body coordination and pattern sequencing. Blocking our opponent’s attacks while simultaneously using foot work and head movements to avoid being hit as well as attempting to cover your centre line, promotes new brain development ~ provided we don’t get smacked into ‘La La Land’. A complex movement where the right side is doing one thing while the left is doing something different is a positive form of brain stress. The brain has to keep re-mapping and thus creating new neuron development and circulation to support that growth. All this adds up to healthier grey matter.
A brain that receives increased oxygen as a result of regular exercise, deep breathing, along with stimulating new learning, will grow and be less affected by mental dementia, Alzheimer’s, and a host of other brain ailments. Kicking, stick drills, joint lock and definitely sparing are activities that challenge our brain often causing it to slow down as it concentrates to remove extraneous information while playing with infinite factors in an attempt to read, process and respond appropriately. The comment, “get out of your head”, and “stop thinking”, is really an encouragement for us all to let go of attachments, judgments and possibly the ‘below the line’ aspects of ego.
Cleansing Factor:
Another benefit of Martial Arts is detoxifying. Our bodies are constantly dealing with toxins; from the environment to the food we eat, the body works hard to eliminate poisons utilizing many organs in the process. The largest organ, the skin, is vital in releasing toxins daily if it is allowed to sweat profusely. Sweating like a pig or even gently perspiring, or if you identify as a lady, glowing, allows the body to detoxify using millions of pours as the sweat carries unwanted waste from our bodies. Sweating is vital to our health!
We also rid our bodies of toxins through our breath. During exercise we increase respiration and while we rev our hearts up and then drop our heart rates back down again through cardio intervals, we clean out our vascular system along with more toxins.
Muscle Pump & Massage Factor:
Muscular action with body contact as in shoulder rolls or being punched and kicked all over by instructor Kevin also helps to massage the body, helping the blood and the bowels (timing being crucial here) to remove waste products in the process. As we continue to exercise regularly the muscles get toned which helps them to massage the organs of digestion and elimination which aids with our goal of cleansing.
Fitness Factors Continued:
Exercise whether in the form of Martial Arts or any physical activity will yield tremendous benefits adding years to your life and life to your years. Here is a quick list of how our commitment to training impacts us.
Decreases Risk of Heart Disease:
Inactive people are 2x more likely to develop coronary artery disease (CAD) then active people.
Decreases Blood Pressure:
High blood pressure increases the risk of heart disease, stroke and kidney disease. Inactive people are 2x more likely to develop high blood pressure then active people.
Decreases Body Fat:
Regular physical activity helps maintain optimal body weight and composition. High blood pressure increases the risk of heart disease, stroke and kidney disease.
Decreases Cholesterol Level:
A high blood cholesterol level increases the risk of heart disease. Regular exercise raises the level of "good" cholesterol and lowers the level of the "bad" cholesterol.
Decreases Risk of Diabetes:
Physical activity lowers the risk of type 2 diabetes and increases glucose uptake for those who already have diabetes. Fit women have diabetes 66% less often than unfit women.
Decreases Risk of Cancer:
Physical activity lowers the risk of colon and breast cancer.
Decreases Risk of Osteoporosis:
Regular exercise delays bone loss and promotes bone formation.
Decreases Arthritis Symptoms:
Regular exercise helps keep joints flexible and helps build muscle to support the joint.
Decreases Number of Sick Days:
Exercisers feel sick almost 30% less often than non-exercisers.
Decreases Chance of Premature Death:
Fit people generally live longer than unfit people.
Relaxes and Revitalizes:
Physical activity reduces mental and muscular tension, and at the same time, increases concentration and energy level.
A Break From Daily Routine and Worries:
Physical activity is like a mini-vacation—you’re allowed to have fun.
Helps You Feel Good About Yourself:
Physical activity increases your self-esteem and self-confidence.
The many benefits of regular training are minimized if we are unhappy and yet if we are unhappy, exercise sometimes helps us feel better and allows us to put things into perspective.
Be happy – live well and serve others in loving kindness - then joy will always be with us!
Namaste,
Chris
Creating and maintaining a healthy self-respect for one-self and others is a practice of self-care and self-awareness. Desire for self-awareness is critical to our effectiveness, success, and well-being. Research shows that students who score high on emotional intelligence tests are more successful in life. Studies show that these students are happier, get higher grades and go on to earn larger salaries as compared to their less aware counterparts. The more we can assist our children to respect themselves, to like themselves and to eventually love who they are, the greater will be their life experience.
A powerful way for parents to impact their child’s self-respect and awareness is to model self-respect and loving behaviour. Those who choose to be aware of how they think, how they communicate, and how they treat themselves and others, will have greater success at being a loving individual. Children will see and feel the confidence and clarity that emanates from your positive connections and self-love. It will be a characteristic that they desire, as they witness how it provides quality experiences and tranquility to their parents lives. No matter the age, hug and hold your children and tell them the truth. All beings are magnificent when they choose to be guided by love.
Let them know that growing self-respect and love is an inside job. Nobody can give you self-respect, or take it away, without your permission. Children should know that their true self-worth is not in their looks, intellect, clothes, or even in their friends. The true worth of a human being is in their own level of kindness, compassion, truth, integrity, and openness. Real confidence is in accepting one self with all our flaws and all our greatness.
All the people in this world telling us how great we are, does not make us great. Only believing in our potential puts us in the emotional and intellectual state where great self-worth flourishes and great deeds are possible.
Let’s teach our kids about negative or limiting language. Invite them to replace the “shoulda, coulda, woulda, and can’t” with language that empowers themselves and others. “I can”, “I am willing”, “I am doing”, are all ways to support oneself on our path of increasing our Emotional Intelligence.
When a child does something that is inappropriate, approach this opportunity for learning with questions that help the child to see how this behaviour impacts their self-image. For example, Justin is being rude to his sister. Instead of correcting the behaviour and creating a punishment, followed by a coerced apology. You could ask if this behaviour is showing self-respect? Are your actions displaying respect and love to your sister? Do you believe you will receive respect in return for disrespectful conduct? Then help the child to create new more respectful and empowering behaviours. Even role model an example of alternate more positive behaviours.
Parents can lead children to the water and encourage them to drink from the pool of their own wisdom. Typically they will learn more deeply and effortlessly, when they participate in the learning process. Natural consequences can be a healthy follow up in this learning approach of discipline and personal growth.
This is a process of honoring the child’s emotional intelligence and seeking the more desirable behaviour from inside them. If this concept of self-respect and self-love is going to positively impact all aspects of their lives, it will be learned more effectively and thoroughly if nurtured from within.
Sensei Chris
Most children, adults too, will test boundaries set by parents, or other authorities. We defy rules for many reasons. Establishing independence by resisting outside influences, conforming to peer pressure for social gains, and the all-powerful desire to learn through our own personal experiences. For some of us, assenting to untested rules imposed by others, simply goes against our grain. Children stray beyond their parent’s rules to test if the previous generations restrictions truly apply to them.