People can become victims of crimes, diseases, or of bullish behaviour, yet they do have to act like a victim. Taking on the victim role is rooted in the belief that solutions lie outside of ourselves. In the case of a bullied person, the victim often feels the problem is only solved when the bully changes or is taken to task. However, if bullies suddenly changed their mean ways, we would not be presented with opportunities to become stronger. Because of bullies and adversities, we can learn to be assertive, resilient, confident, and trusting in our self worth. Aggressors rarely disappear at the first hint of disapproval, especially when we play the victim role. Possessing victim mentality, means that we abdicate our power to those who attempt to victimize us. Feeling defenseless we resort to blaming. Alternatively, people who are self-assured, independent, and emotionally resilient, are in part this way because they understand the signs and pitfalls of victim mentality.
Two interchangeable models that help us understand victim mentality are Complaining – Blaming – Justifying, and or Victim – Blame – Defense. Sharing how these behaviours place us squarely into our own self-made drama, is a good way to immunize children from the symptoms of this limiting attitude. More on these two trilogies shortly.
Again, to be clear, people can be victims of a crime yet not display a victim mentality. Someone could attack and harm us physically and emotionally, however we accept that the attackers’ actions define them not us. In playing the role of victim, we place all responsibility and blame outside of ourselves and therefore we have nothing to learn. Learning from pleasant and especially unpleasant experiences, transforms us from victim mentality to having a sense of agency and control. Confidence and self worth need not be diminished, even if we do not respond ideally. Forgiveness allows us to assess and grow without projecting fault or self blame. If we challenge the thoughts and resulting feelings that keep us in shame or fear, healing can occur. Emotional wounds that made us feel weak, become our strengths as we wisely substitute victimization for empowerment.
Helping people rise above victim mentality requires a blend of empathy with doses of reality. For them to feel heard, safe, and to facilitate greater listening, it is important to hear their story and acknowledge their feelings. However, to encourage them to take charge of their self esteem and to take responsibility for how they choose to feel, we need to challenge the beliefs that diminish their capabilities. Victim mentality holds beliefs like; (I am not good enough, Life happens to me, not for me, I lack the ability to create positive change). These and other limiting beliefs, when challenged without judgement or blame, allow victim beliefs to be transformed.
Imagine your child or partner returning from school or work. Despite all efforts at making friends, they have fallen short of their expectations. Visibly frustrated, they complain, blame and justify why they are powerless to change this unwanted outcome. They feel that what is happening to them now, will continue into the future. In other words, they act like the problem is permanent. They also believe that their current problem overrides all the positives in their lives. If this is not tough enough, they take the problem personally. Thus, they feel inadequate and overwhelmed. Worst case scenario, they feel hopeless and helpless, which can lead to depression. Eventually, life will prove them wrong, but in the meantime, they are truly suffering from their self-induced attitude called victim mentality. There is no shame in this, for we have all done it, we have all been there. Without this experience we would not understand or know how to apply empowerment.
To avoid victim mentality, we must be aware of our complaining. Also, we need to let go of our projection of personal fears through harsh criticism. Therefore, we need to stop blaming our situation on other people or on circumstance. Next, we must realize when we are justifying our victimized, entitled, or poor me attitude. It’s also important to question if we are shielding ourselves against taking responsibility for our part, while remaining closed off to other people’s perspectives. In short, we complain when we could observe and blame rather than being inquisitive. Finally, we justify our inabilities, rather than seek to understand the issues and explore the solutions.
Victim Blame Defense similarly describes how adults and kids react by accepting the victim role. This Victim Blame Defense mental program runs when we are feeling hopeless, lacking control, or are angry and fearful. Parents who discuss this programing with their children, arm their kids with knowledge that will enable them to avoid the pitfalls of this mind set.
It is safe to say, that most of us have played both roles, that of the perpetrator and that of the victim. To some degree we have caused others pain, and we have also played wounded to gain attention or to avoid the changes in ourselves that we don’t wish to face. Both experiences, that of the bully and that of the bullied are crucial to gain the insights and compassion it requires to not play either role.
With compassion we learn that abused people lack trust and often hurt others. That those who have a long history of abuse may lose their empathy altogether. Without condoning unkind behaviour, we are encouraged to remember when we were less than kind to those around us. Wearing the cloak of victim mentality is a way to evade this realization. However, with awareness and compassion we can break the habit of acting out the Victim Blame Defense reaction and rise to more logical and kind behaviour. It is important to discuss with our children when they are not in crisis mode what a victim role looks and feels like. Equally crucial is sharing with them, without judgement, when they are acting like a victim or a bully.
We can coach or children to replace Victim Blame Defense with the model of Learn Observe Adapt. When we notice we are acting like a victim, change from needing pity or alliance to learning from the situation. Thus, we go from seeking sympathy to seeking self awareness. When we realize we are blaming others, or even ourselves, we can move from fault finding to observing without judgement. This changes everything. Instead of unnecessary finger waging, our energy is placed on revealing the unbiased truth. The truth is that some people will take advantage, and life at times will be hard, which helps to provide us opportunities for growth. Most outcomes are beyond our control. However, the choice to respond with love over fear is always ours. Making observations over blaming helps us to stay detached, calm, and open to the truth. Making observations that are absent of the drama is a clear way to concentrate on the concerns and not be derailed from the issue by fearful emotions.
Lastly, children need to understand that while we strive to be fair, not everyone will. We can be defensive and resentful, or we can adapt. Learning and observing needs courageous action to change and set a course that will serve the greater good for the greatest number. So be open to change, be vulnerable, honest, and willing to accept the unknown to create a better future.
Namaste Chris Leigh-Smith