Someone shared with me, that if you want to be helpful, be interested rather than trying to be interesting. Instead of impressing people, be present with them. When we want to reach out to see if someone needs a lift or a save, loose the charm and lead from your heart. Instantly, our contact becomes real, not predictable and superficial. Depending on the recipient, meaningful connections will either repel some or be a refreshing and welcomed alternative. Polite small talk has it’s place, however, be aware of signals that indicate a greater need. Those in need may linger longer or speak positive words which are not matching their body language. They may also display heightened emotions, or no emotions at all. When it comes to making a difference, there are endless factors to weigh in on, so trust your instincts.
The tried-and-true ingredients for being present in relationships is listening, making observations without blame, being accepting, honest, and vulnerable. Put aside all judgements and focus on understanding. This encourages others to trust you and open up. Without vulnerability from both sides we are only chatting, not connecting. Those who are willing to drop their walls of protection and become vulnerable, inspire openness and honesty. For many, deep conversations are scary, we would rather be guarded without investment or exposure. Acknowledge that real friendships involve risk. It requires boldness to reveal our insecurities and fears. In the beginning it is terrifying, yet it is tremendously gratifying. Choosing to be vulnerable is a gift beyond measure to encourage those who are sometimes afraid, isolated, or feeling unable to share their troubles.
When confronting other peoples pain, we may find ourselves downplaying their issue to avoid our uneasiness. This may look like us being entertaining or overly opinionated. We may also give quick answers to their problem in order to be done with this uncomfortable encounter. Mini lectures and unsolicited advice often reduces our anxiety but does little for the person who needs to be heard and acknowledged. The more uncomfortable we are the greater the tendency is to fabricate reasons to leave. Therefore, anticipate personal discomfort as a result of other peoples distress and practice being kind and detached at the same time. Acts of kindness require a certain level of detachment where we separate ourselves from the drama and anxiety felt by others. This way we can remain compassionate, observant, thoughtful in guidance, while maintaining our composure.
Despite our willingness to connect we may lose confidence, feeling inadequate and unworthy to help. To resist the urge to bail, focus on these simple skills which we all have the ability to do. Make eye contact, listen, paraphrase, and ask questions, especially around their feelings and needs. Selfless kindness, even if not accepted, is never a failure. So, ask those personal questions because they show that you truly care. Flying under the radar with polite small talk, definitely has less chance of rejection, but also less chance for change. It is a courageous choice to risk meaningful interaction, hopeful that the discomfort of a real conversation will lead to healing.
Ask lots of clarifying questions so that the person can truly download their fears. Nonspecific questions typically yield shallow responses. How is your day going, might be the intro needed to show empathy. Yet if their answer is unrevealing, we may need to be more specific. For example: “Right now, how are you feeling emotionally?” or “If you are willing to share, what is your biggest concern personally at this moment?” These questions show that you are interested and willing. That you genuinely want to help and are not being socially polite but are sincerely invested in their wellbeing. Quite often those in distress who are given support, will find their own answers.
There are no perfect questions, only authentic intentions to connect. Most problems are not easy fixes, but by being interested, we allow someone to unburden their fears and doubts. The intention to take the time to have a meaningful connection helps people put life’s ordeals into perspective and shows them that they are not alone in their challenges.
Meaningful connections involves giving your undivided attention, even when it is inconvenient to do so. Making time for family, friends, and strangers is an appreciated kindness in this hectic world. This ability to connect is not just for the socially skilled or the inherently wise. We don’t need to be the strong one, the person with no issues, to extend kindness. Sometimes it is the perfect people who are too busy judging others to possess the necessary empathy for meaningful connections. For it is the journey of facing our issues that earns us compassion and insights. The reality is that we don’t have to fix anyone, simply caring encourages them to move forward. The only qualifications necessary to reach out to others, is time and love.
Namaste
Chris Leigh-Smith