True confidence is not a result of being recognized or valued by others. Being acknowledged for who you are or admired by others is wonderful, yet it is not a source of viable confidence. When we are secure enough to allow others to see our authentic selves, the good with the bad, then true confidence is ours. However, if we only feel worthwhile when others deem us to be, then we are living according to their values and our actions are designed to obtain their approval. To be truly confident is to believe in oneself, to respect and nurture our potential, especially when others are questioning our value. If we are only confident when others approve, then we operate to meet their expectations. This is not sustainable for it is a game of pretense. We are in a trap playing different roles to please different people. To convince people that our façade is real, we act with false confidence. False confidence often look like arrogance and feels anxious rather than peaceful.
True confidence accepts that we will have insecurities, faults, and experience plenty of failures. True confidence is generated from self love and is an investment in our quality of life. It is indestructible from outside forces and can only be destroyed from within. When we lack confidence, it is paramount to understand that we are sabotaging our potential. By blaming others we keep ourselves a victim of low self-esteem. Although confidence and competence go hand in hand, so does failure, and failure almost always comes first before success. Invite children to mentally and emotionally expect failure and rejection. For fear of failure and rejection are the most common painful experiences that stop people from trying in the first place. If children know that failure and rejection are part of the process, they can anticipate the risk, thus making it manageable.
Understanding that criticism is equally important to praise, we begin to value feedback rather than taking it personally. This attitude carries us through adversity with resiliency, and through praise with humility. By taking responsibility for our self-worth, a confident attitude grows from optimistic thoughts that transform daily problems into creative opportunities. True confidence is not egotistical or wrapped up in self importance, it is being vulnerable, humble, and assured about making the best of any situation.
Children should be aware of the signposts of false confidence. It tends to be boastful, attempting to convince others of abilities that we are uncertain of. False confidence is often fueled with a need to appear superior, to be the most important person in the room. When confidence is determined by outside approval, then our self-worth becomes a fickle and fleeting idea. Soon we discover that our achievements are never good enough, as someone else’s success is always greater. False confidence generally depends on status, appearance, wealth, power, fame, uniqueness, and indispensability, all of which are ingredients that can be easily lost. False confidence relies on our attachment to how people compare us to what is currently favourable. We chase these illusions to create feelings of confidence which dissolves at the first hint of disapproval.
How can we help children with true confidence? Adults often attempt to build confidence through praise. Praise from loved ones is typically equated with acceptance and love. Thus children feel they must outperform others to be worthy of love. This notion drives a society of competitors all vying for attention. Competition is not good or bad, how we compete and for what reasons are the determiners of our well being. Parents can provide healthy praise through unconditional acceptance and by acknowledging positive character traits. Typically, families and schools find it difficult to praise kids without drawing comparisons. As an example, a good soccer player is either saving goals or scoring them. This acknowledgment is tangible, and easy to determine. However, if our goal is to help children to believe in their potential as well as other peoples abilities, then we must avoid ranking them. The skills it takes to win a game are not more important than the character it takes to play honourably. Not every child will be a standout in academics, the arts or athletics, yet every child can become a wise and loving person.
Asking children questions that encourage them to think about their behaviour, as decent human beings, is fundamental to developing true confidence. Vanity is typically driven by thoughts of insecurity, while true confidence comes from believing in ones inherent goodness and backing it up with integrity. Bring to children’s attention when they use self deprecating comments or if they use superficial aspects like fashion, or status to establish worth. The choice to live a life that we are proud of requires no competition with others. The person we need to overcome, to influence, and to inspire, is us. The respect we foster for ourselves slowly replaces our neediness for outside approval, acceptance, and love. The only person left to impress is ourselves.
Parents, educators, coaches, and mentors help children to become truly confident by challenging their thoughts and actions, especially if arrogance, vanity, ego, and over competitiveness is present. Likewise when children demonstrate humility, selflessness, and collaboration, we can acknowledge and praise their actions. Adults can effectively praise kids on both effort and achievement. However, if we want children to be independent of us for their confidence, then praise efforts over achievement. When parents celebrate small victories to improve children’s self-view, our observations and compliments needs to be authentic. Questionable praise and excessive admiration will cause self doubt. Avoid comparing children to others, especially to their siblings. Nothing sends the message that acceptance and love must be won through superior performance than direct comparisons.
Teach children that they are responsible for building and maintaining their confidence. As they learn more about true confidence and their role in it, scale your praise back. Instead of constant verbal acknowledgement show your admiration more subtly. A wink, nod, or a smile goes a long way in showing support. For a children who understand and who are able to apply true confidence, constant praise from adults seems less supportive and more patronizing.
The objective is to have children’s self-respect flow to others. Generally those who respect themselves are kinder and more accepting of other people. Highly confident people are less likely to judge others and quicker to forgive. One measure of true confidence is when a person who is experiencing loss or failure, can still be excited and happy for other peoples successes.
Namaste
Chris Leigh-Smith