Although rules are necessary, they need to be adaptive to our changing situations. Children eventually learn that rules are often modified or ignored. However, for young children rules keep them safe. Don’t touch the stove, don’t talk to strangers, always look twice before crossing the street. Having rules that provide the less experienced a chance to gain experience without dying first, is not a bad thing. So why are rules destined to be broken? Rules are generally simple, like an on - off switch. Yet, most of life’s choices exist somewhere between completely on and completely off. Complexities of life make choices more like a dimmer switch with a range of options and consequences. All this is pretty obvious, especially to those with extensive life experience. Parents believe they can see the safe path forward because of a history of successes and failures. Parental discernment around rules is crafted by our time spent reflecting on our lives, from a rear-view mirror perspective. Unfortunately, these experiences are not often shared, especially the less successful exploits. Parents realize that common sense is not all that common and obvious is not always obvious. Therefore, rules are more beneficial at the start of any learning curve.
Younger children rely on their elders to guide them past dangers. By avoiding the mistakes of those that came before we can avert pain. This is sensical and obvious, yet again, not always common. As children age, we find that parenting with rules that are to be adhered to without question, are regularly met with resistance. Children observe older kids and adults consistently bending or breaking rules to navigate their world. Some with great success. They hear their parents lie, watch them speed on the roads, observe them safely talking to strangers, and the list grows from there. From a youth perspective, rules are only adhered to if they are relevant or convenient. The more we raise maturing youth by insisting on unyielding rules, the greater their eventual opposition.
As children grow, rules require context and flexibility to be effective. We must explain convincingly why a rule is worthy of respect. There must be a benefit, either short-term gratification or long range pay out for obeying any authority that regulates us. This is why providing rules followed by consequences without discussion is doomed to failure. Children and adults need a rationalization that matches their understanding, which provides justifications that they can relate to.
Parents cannot expect strict obedience and at the same time develop independent and critical thinkers. Nor can children develop responsibly and ethically without questioning authority. For growing into adult hood demands challenging current thoughts and dogma in order to act wisely. Therefore, when children are persistently resisting our rules, enforcing them solely with stronger consequences is not always the answer. Parents too, must equally challenge the rules they enforce and the freedoms they allow. It is truly a journey that is not always clear. Because parenting and being parented is a challenging experience, that is certainly not black or white. Differentiating between golden rules (non-negotiable), and softer guidelines, is a trusting and surrendering process.
As children age, they desire more self-governance, in order to view themselves as capable. Parents want this independence for their children as well; however, we are often reluctant to let our children fail. To raise self-sufficient and confident children, we must at times allow them to find their own way. Parents often feel their child’s pain or failures as their own. This fear or discomfort can lead us to be dominating and controlling. Shielding children from life’s consequences denies them the benefits of life’s lessons. Parenting children by allowing them the opportunity to make intelligent, logical and loving choices, is also not without its risks. Alternatively, excessive control creates low self-esteem, incompetence, and less resilient children.
Expecting strict adherence to what we think is best, results in children making choices in exclusion of us. Why should children engage us if we are unwilling to listen and discuss alternatives. The teenage years are often described as difficult due to the generation gap, or the lack of common experiences and interests. In my opinion the gap is due more to a breakdown in communication than our differences. Children who feel judged and unheard respond by distancing themselves from their parents and other authority figures. To keep our growing children close, to develop a mutually respectful and trusting relationship, we need to be more inquisitive, interested and involved in their lives. They may include us in their decision-making process if our interest and trust in them is genuine.
Our desire to have our children avoid painful consequences sometimes keeps us fixed on outdated and restrictive rules that keep the child immature for their age. This translates into the child being distrustful of their own abilities to make wise choices. This results in older children feeling insecure in their self-guidance skills, so they abdicate their choices to peers and social media influences. Remember, they are trying to be more self-sufficient, and this requires owning the outcomes that unfold from their actions. Thus, adolescents who have been raised with over controlling parents, abdicate their choices and follow others rather than lead themselves. This results in young people who consistently fold to negative peer pressure. Insecurity can also show up as full-on rebellion, even for rules that they believe in. Their revolt is a protest to our control and lack of faith in them.
The older they get; the less likely parents will be around when children are making choices that have dire consequences. That is the very reason why some parents keep a tight rein and restrict the experiences and choice opportunities for their children. The reason is fear. Fear of them getting hurt and not being able to recover from it. This smothering out of fear drives our children to be dishonest with us. This is the parental tipping point, too much control and we rob our children of learning naturally. Too much freedom with no guidance puts inexperienced children in harm’s way. Every parent is going to have a different level of comfort with balancing between unyielding rules and no rules at all.
Diminishing Rules theory helps parents to allow and encourage their children to develop self-trust and self-confidence in their ability to make good choices. This theory invites us to gradually reduce rules and replace them with guidelines and logical reasoning as the child grows and demonstrates greater responsibility and maturity.
Barbara Coloroso, a recognized parenting guru, challenges parents to distinguish between what are morally and life-threatening choices and those that are not. If a child’s choice is not morally threatening or life threatening, can we allow them the opportunities to stretch their wings to risk failure or success? This helps put children’s choices into perspective. Perhaps the natural consequence of their choice might be the lesson they need. Letting children reap what they sow is often the reality they need that shapes a strong character.
Figuring out how and when to say yes, no, or to engage them in conversation, is not an easy task. The objective is to lead our children in a fashion that expands their ability to be responsible self-governing individuals. As children grow older some rules can be gradually replaced with adaptable and thoughtful guidelines. With experience parents can evolve rules to a process of critical decision making, so that resistance and distancing is replaced with discussions and mutual trust.
Namaste
Chris Leigh-Smith