Rules, guidelines, loving discipline, and role modelling of exemplary behaviour, is crucial to children’s development. Parents can easily sabotage this process by having double standards. This double standard is achieved by having a narrow set of expectations for our children, and an emotionally justified and much widder set of rules for ourselves. Parents can become entitled, do as I say, not as I do. For example, I expected my children to be polite and respectful, even when they were stressed and angry. However, when I was upset, my anxiety became a reasonable excuse for me to be less courteous. If we expect our children to acknowledge and take responsibility for their transgressions, adults must own their errors and likewise be vulnerable when we mess up.
The tendency is to avoid being vulnerable least we appear less than perfect. The fear is that we may lose credibility with our children if we admit our imperfections. Not so, we earn our kids trust and respect when we acknowledge that we also are still learning, making mistakes, and growing. The pretence of infallible parenting typically creates distance between us and our children. Perfect is hard to live up to, while being real is relatable and encourages communication. Therefore, if we want our kids to share their problems with us, if we desire their trust so that we are perceived as reliable council, then we must be authentic, honest, and live the values that we have set out for our children. One of the many parenting superpowers is vulnerability, while another superpower is being a loving leader.
Children need structure, rules and guidelines that set a high standard of conduct. If parents set the bar high for their children’s integrity, and social behaviour, then they have a better chance of reaching those goals. The problem with setting the bar too low is that it becomes easily attainable. Rules that are upheld, such as cleaning up after oneself, pulling our weight with family chores, treating others with respect, and so on, are pivotal to their social development. It is common for parents to inadvertently set the bar low in attempts to avoid confrontation with their kids. We may become inconsistent with our rules, allowing our kids to be messy, to not help out around the home, or to treat their siblings and us with disrespect. Our fear of confrontation and rejection from our kids, interferes with our leadership and discipline. Children learn quickly to remove their love and affection from parents to get what they want. They pull away from our hugs, avoid eye contact, and remove themselves from our presence, in attempts to weaken our resolve. Intelligent and wonderful children are not beyond experimenting with manipulation tactics to avoid what they don’t want and to secure their desires. Children are not typically aware that their whining, complaining, and incessant negotiations are self-serving and at the expense of others. It takes time and coaching for kids to learn that their needs are not more important than the needs of others. Yes, rules are necessary, and no means no. A yes carries less importance, if children will not respect a No! Thus, effective parenting requires rules with honest loving leadership that makes our discipline believable.
Parents get what they allow. When our expectations and rules are not having the desired effect, we may often blame our kids. That shift of responsibility gets us more of the same, weak boundaries yields kids taking advantage. Looking first at how we behave as a parent is the place to start.
When we think our kids are oblivious to this double standard, they are seeing and hearing everything. Our children learn so much from us, that it should motivate parents to be the best version of ourselves, if not for us, at least for them. Our slips in honesty, patience, overreacting, and lack of discipline, become our children’s indiscretions. Thus, the first rule of parenting is not about them, it is about us. For children to grow personally, we must also grow personally. Parents must reach for the high standards that we are encouraging in our children. The more we lead the way the more understanding and tools children will have to abide by our rules. They are motivated by our example to do the right thing over the easy thing, to be considerate and kind, even when they are angry or exhausted. They have witnessed their parents do it, so they believe they can do it themselves.
Namaste
Chris