Most children, adults too, will test boundaries set by parents, or other authorities. We defy rules for many reasons. Establishing independence by resisting outside influences, conforming to peer pressure for social gains, and the all-powerful desire to learn through our own personal experiences. For some of us, assenting to untested rules imposed by others, simply goes against our grain. Children stray beyond their parent’s rules to test if the previous generations restrictions truly apply to them. After all, children witness adults stretching, bending, and breaking rules frequently. From speeding on our highways, to cursing when we are upset, adults, generally speaking, frequently demonstrate that rules are meant to be broken.
If we want children to consider our wise council, there must be a hook. Motivation for playing within the rules must run deeper than mere words from on high. Especially when adults in the entertainment industry and in social media, are portrayed to follow rules only when they are convenient or protected by serious consequences. Besides motivation, part of the hook is relevancy. It is important to determine why a rule is important and to whom and when. Creating a very trusting, accepting, and loving relationship is critical for children to believe in the imposed rules, as much as they believe in the adults who set them. The stronger the bond is with our kids the more trust they have in our guidance.
Rules that are explained well and given context through storytelling, create logical connections to the typical consequences of rule breaking. Asking your children questions regarding decision making and boundaries, further builds trust and understanding. This process takes longer than the punitive approach of blaming, judging, and punishing. However, the time invested saves time in the future as rules have a far better chance of being respected. Parents who live by their own rules and who establish fair consequences, are more likely to be obeyed, even if the child disagrees with those rules. Children who have an opportunity to collaborate with the decisions about consequences that directly affect them, are more likely to comply, and or make wiser choices. When rules change or evolve with the maturing child, there is a greater adherence to the intention of those rules.
When parents adopt a punitive approach, (blame & punishment), as a quick fix, it focusses entirely on the child’s mistakes. To drive our agenda home, we tend to ignore any of the child’s positive behaviours. Thus, parents are concentrating only on ‘what not to do’, with little effort given towards ‘what to do’. The punitive approach for children feels like harsh criticism and therefore it becomes more personal than instructional. Parental comments like; “your stupidity knows no bounds, what were you thinking, in what universe would that work,” are disparaging statements about the child, which makes it about them and not about their behaviour. Few parents would like to be defined by their flaws and or poor choices. Let’s face it, we all learn by making mistakes. We tend to learn more from our blunders by being guided compassionately, rather than by being guilted.
The opposite of the punitive approach is the coaching approach. The coaching approach for discipline invites making observations and being inquisitive over blaming. It involves asking questions of our kid’s behaviours to help them gain awareness and understanding, while avoiding being judgemental of their choices. Similarly, a team coach can blame their athlete who misses a goal in soccer or hockey, or they can specifically coach them in what they can do to improve. Parents who move their disciplinary approach from punitive to coaching, positively impact their kid’s self-esteem. Life is like a team sport, and if children are coached through their mistakes, they start to believe in their ability to succeed. Children who are not coached, and who are excluded from the disciplinary process, tend to lose interest in trying to comply or understand.
Adults need to understand that children don’t wake up plotting to disappoint us. Also, what is obvious to us is not always clear to our children. Childrens brains are not fully developed and thus connecting actions to outcomes is at times difficult, sometimes impossible. Their inability to predict cause and effect, and to select appropriate behaviour in varying situations, frustrates them, as much as it does us, especially when their attempts to navigate and learn is met with harsh criticism. Think of criticism as having an emotional barb attached. It is personal and unnecessary. Parents can learn to swap criticism for observations. Observations are designed to coach through a challenge without degrading the child. For example, I noticed your homework was not completed, or the dishes have not been put away, are observations. While stating out of anger, you are undisciplined and lazy is a personal criticism. The coaching approach invites us to separate the child from their behaviour, so the child can focus on alternative behaviours over defending themselves from a personal attack. Children actually like discipline, as long as the approach makes them feel worthy and loved. Effective discipline is a combination of unconditional love, positive coaching, and logical consequences.
Parents who are fearful of confrontations with their kids, will often blame their child, yet they may not follow through with any consequences. Because we fear being rejected by our children, we lose credibility with them. This is when children really start pushing their parents around, as they realize that what their parents say is not what they mean. In this case, rules are no longer being challenged; they are outright being ignored. The parent’s word and discipline can become believable again when we are consistently true to our voiced intentions. Parents cannot expect compliance to rules that we are not willing to enforce. Children will tolerate and even appreciate rules if the parent upholds them, and lives by those rules as well. Here are some concepts to chew on:
· Include children in the setting of rules, discuss the relevancy and likely outcomes if the rules are adhered to, or when they are broken.
· Think of discipline as love in action. Parents can be strict and kind at the same time.
· Punitive approach is about blame and punishment, which often lacks respect and understanding.
· Coaching approach is observations and learning.
· Swap out blame for observations and mere punishment for learning and taking responsibility.
· Sustainable rules involve role modelling, discussion, clear boundaries, and collaborative, consistent consequences. We get what we allow.
Namaste
Chris Leigh-Smith