Learning to focus on our one true self sets a crystal-clear path for personal growth, allowing others to meaningfully connect with us and support our life goals. Development of our one true self is made easier when we understand the duo of the inner and outer self. The inner self represents our beliefs, values, and authentic voice, while the outer self is what we show the world in order to gain acceptance. When we compare our outer self to our inner self, ideally, they should be indistinguishable. For many of us, this ideal, rarely happens, thus denying our one true self from emerging. Most of us won’t allow our inner self, to be known, it’s too risky. We create the outer self to override the inner self which we are unsure of. For many of us, to some degree, there is a profound distrust that our inner, less inhibited, authentic nature will be criticized and rejected. Our doubt insists that our inner self lacks the wisdom and resources that we feel are needed to be respected by our chosen community. Thus, we employ protective measures by playing various roles in order to fit in and avoid exclusion. The more insecure our inner self is, the more our outer self takes over in attempts to hide those insecurities. Maintaining these various roles is often draining, and it takes us further away from knowing and trusting our true self.
Allowing others to know our genuine self is essential to mental health and to creating meaningful relationships. Otherwise, life feels like a game of pretense, with superficial and meaningless friendships. When self doubt is high, the connection with authentic self is corrupted. All of our energy goes into casting and molding the outer person that we want people to see. Experience suggests that eventually friends will see through our facade. Therefore, we may employ another tactic to combat this eventuality by not allowing our friends in. Most relationships including family and partners are kept at arms length, so that no one really knows us, not even ourselves. Because the outer self is designed to safeguard against relationships getting too close, we shut down the inner self. This way we are less likely to be sabotaged by our inner self which may seep through revealing our deception. Over time our outer self may dry into a hardened veneer, sleek and polished, while the inner self is virtually dead to us. The price we pay to secure this false projection is the ghosting of our true nature, inner voice, intuition, and authenticity.
Alternatively, you can risk exposure, and accept that people may not always approve of the real you. Learning to love ourselves, for all of our strengths and weaknesses, is essential to developing deeply satisfying friendships. The objective of the inner self is to be vulnerable, and open to rejection. This happens when we value our authenticity more than our popularity. With practice the inner and outer self merge into the one true self. Especially in the early stages of this journey it is wise to extend our vulnerability and true self cautiously. Initially, only share with those you believe to be highly supportive. Create a safer more progressive approach that encourages your risk taking rather than punishes your early attempts.
As the true self develops, we observe and feel life experiences without preconceived ideas, agendas, or social fears. Emotional freedom and confidence start to flourish. Expect that aspects of our lingering outer self will occasionally project and protect, however, we are more aware of this game playing strategy. We realize that rejection is a necessary experience for us to establish unconditional love for ourselves and others. Accepting, listening, and learning about who we are along with devotion to who we wish to become, is the on-going objective. Eventually others will experience the uncomplicated and true version of us. Thus, we have cultivated friends who are truly allies for our well-being. It is their courage as our friends who are willing to be radically honest with us, risking our rejection, that propels us forward in life.
Namaste,
Chris