Young people who are struggle with self-assurance may tend to seek extra attention to validate their worth. They tend to equate their worth with their ability to earn time and attention with significant others. Often people will prefer even negative attention over no attention at all, that is how powerful the need to be acknowledged can be. While it is healthy to acknowledge that we are all needy from time to time, there are times when it feels like our children have created a black hole of excessive neediness, that pulls everyone kicking and screaming into this dark energy sucking vortex.
Our staff was sitting around, discussing how to best serve attention seeking students. Instructor Lucas shared this valuable shift to our perspective. He suggested that we replace the word attention in ‘attention-seekers’, with connection, for ‘connection-seekers.’ When people, like our children demand attention, it may seem intrusive and cause an emotional reaction to this invasion of our time. It is common when people dominate our time, hijack our agenda, and steal our soul’s last breath, that we can not see their need to connect. Particularly those who impose constant interruptions, endless irrelevant questions, and a need to be watched and praised incessantly, can diminish our energy. Thus, adults may be judgemental, degrading, displaying disgust or disapproval. Children who receive this type of adult response are now dealing with a loss of connection from the very person they are seeking it from. People, especially children are impaired in so many ways, when the connection they desire is denied. Keeping this in mind, it is important to note that our thinking and ensuing body language effects others, including our children, before we even talk with them. We may unconsciously deliver confusing messages which override our good intentions, turning positive recognition into negative attention.
We can help children learn to satisfy their need for connection by respectfully making requests rather than demands on other people’s time. Parents can role model to their children how to make requests over demands, thus assisting kid’s in being a more considerate communicators. Furthermore, we can help them to understand that their needs and wants do not override the needs and wants of others. It is also valuable to coach children to distinguish the difference between needs and wants. Generally, needs are life sustaining, such as air, food, and shelter. There are the less obvious needs like, emotional well-being, including affection, touch, and most of all, love. Whereas wants, are preferences that are not necessary for our health. Children typically, not only want, but need hugs, which provide emotional reassurance that words can only begin to convey. Coaching children to think about their needs versus their wants, is helping them to be more socially savvy, not only of their needs but also the needs of others. Being proactive for those who need connection, is to give freely and often, acts of random kindness, (A.R.K) like hugs, accepting eye contact, and words of assurance and encouragement.
Parents and teachers can also shift their label of children from being attention-seekers to connection-seekers, which will reframe their behaviour as more of a need, than merely a want. Thereby, helping to maintain better connection even when the persons behaviour is demanding. Most people seek connection in some form or another, it is a basic human quality. Viewing children as needing connection rather than demanding attention does not absolve entitled or thoughtless behaviour from our little hooligans. It does, however, change adults’ attitudes towards being more understanding and accepting. We can treat a child with respect while at the same time not condoning the child’s inconsiderate demands. There are more respectful ways for all of us to connect; to politely ask for help, to seek clarification, or to have our importance validated. Growing children who are just starting to get to know themselves, will seek support from a significant person to feel worthy. Until they develop greater self assurance of their personal worth, connection in all forms from kind words, loving discipline, tenderness, and hugs, are essential to their healthy development.
All this attention is not about catering to their every whim or indulging them in getting us to do things that they are capable of. Children will ask us to do tasks that they are more than capable of accomplishing, not because they lack confidence, or out of laziness, but for their sheer need for connection. This is, of course, not true all the time, for lack of confidence and laziness are expressions at any age. The invitation is for parents to provide connection whenever possible. Regardless of whether the child is being selfish, or thoughtful, connection, affection, and acceptance, is the gateway to them learning. We can hug a child, giving affection and creating assurance, while coaching or disciplining them. Children are more willing to receive our guidance if we are simultaneously meeting their need for love. The goal is to connect before we correct.
Namaste,
Chris