Kids need to hear the straight goods regarding their behaviour, for without parents honest feedback they will continue to develop limiting thoughts and habits. If we are honest without being harsh, if we can share observations in a respectful and compassionate way, children will more likely take the time to truly look at themselves. Without a strong intention for self development, and in the absence of loving mentors, children will still learn, but at a much slower rate. Life’s lessons will tend to be more confusing and more painful. Children can better muster the courage it takes to be vulnerable and open to honest feedback from others when they have a foundation of acceptance and love from their caregivers. Children who learn to value transparent coaching will grow in maturity beyond their years. It is important that parents and mentors teach children the priceless value of seeking feedback and being mindful of their actions. Feedback from trusted sources, as well as reflecting on their outcomes and consequences of their own choices, aids children in consistent growth. Children who are also honest about their emotions and the root causes of their feelings will also grow in wisdom.
Occasionally, parents may unwittingly hold their kids growth back, through lack of honesty. They may withhold feedback, silence their observations, because they fear the child’s rejection. By avoiding rejection, we lose our authentic selves. The question that we must ask ourselves is, “are we willing to slow our children’s personal growth to avoid disputes?” To achieve personal growth, to develop the best version of ourselves, we must risk complete honesty. Not that honesty is always the best policy, for there are times when honesty is unnecessary, not kind, poorly timed, or more of an opinion than a representation of the truth. Yet, to become the best version of ourselves requires us to be radically honest about our beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and conduct. To be the best parent we can be, we must be willing to risk our children’s anger when we are honest with them about their choices.
Honesty is often a double-edged sword, cutting both ways, as it can be initially painful for both the giver and the receiver. We are cutting away our defenses, the walls of protection we put in place that shield us from the truth. Eventually, discarding old habits or beliefs that limited us, will feel liberating. As the wise saying goes, we are more afraid of our light than our darkness. However, to unearth our light we must first face our darkness. Sounds gloomy and dramatic, but what limits people’s potential is more often than not, what they believe about themselves. Therefore, whenever we are anxious, fearful, or have behaved poorly, we can ask ourselves, “what do I have to believe to feel, think or behave this way?” This is a tool of honest communication with ourselves, or with others, as this question aids our journey to self-awareness.
Honest communication requires ongoing self assessment to expose our justifications and the untruths that we tell ourselves. To be bluntly honest, it is not as important about what happens to us, as it is how we respond to what has happened. Beliefs are the inner programs that profoundly influence how we respond to life, in both positive and negative ways. Negative beliefs are illogical, untruths that we have accepted, that we consciously or unconsciously believe. As an example, the imposter syndrome is a belief held by some successful people who believe they are unworthy of their success. This causes anxiety, guilt, and often accompanies a deterioration in their confidence and eventually their competence. They are denying their gifts due to an underlying belief that they are not worthy. This is a limiting or negative belief that if examined would not pass the test of truth or logic. Positive beliefs, on the other hand, are logical, truthful, and they are the unbiased reality of a person’s experience. Thus, they become an understanding, a knowing, as opposed to a belief.
Negative beliefs are buried deep to protect against detection. Beliefs like “I am limited, or I am not good enough, I am not capable, or I am unable to make a difference,” are but a few examples of limiting programs that people have fallen into the trap of accepting. This is true of me, and I think of most people. It is nothing to be ashamed of, we all have limiting beliefs and positive understandings. Be gentle with yourself and others, as most of us are doing our best with the beliefs that we have and hold. It is wonderful to know that just beyond our fears, is the illumination or the truth that frees our potential. So, ask that vital question when you feel self doubt or recognize that you are holding yourself back. “What do I have to believe to feel or think this way?” That honest query will start to peel away the layers of deceptive protection. When providing non judgemental feedback to children, realize that they too may wish to unearth their limiting programs or beliefs. Let them know that self discovery is only a question away.
Negative beliefs, persistent limiting thoughts, and self doubts try to stay alive and hidden from our awareness so that they can continue to influence or sabotage us. For example, a child who once loved to sing but now has silenced themselves due to a belief. They acquired the belief that they are a horrible singer due to a nasty comment from a jealous friend. They refused the gift of singing lessons that they so desperately wanted, because of an imbedded belief that people will reject them. Parents and mentors can assist children in deleting negative beliefs through the same process of inquiry. “What do you believe about yourself that makes you resist singing?” We as mentors do not have to tell children that they are wrong, ridiculous, or that they are a fantastic singer. They see this intervention as a loved one telling them an untruth, a means to control them without dealing with the main issue, their fear. Parents and mentors can alternatively help children to identify and challenge the belief with this simple question.
What happens if parents either push their children to hard or not challenge them enough? If our children are willing participants in this process, they will be able to guide us down a moderate path. Honest communication, being open to feedback, both external and internal, allows us to assess our beliefs. Honest communication demands dialogue with our children, which in turn demands our time. Many children are not receiving parental feedback, as their parents may be averse to the possibility of confrontation with them. All discussions of relevant substance provide the opportunity for confrontation. Opposing views, disagreements, and respectful confrontations are not a terrible thing, they are necessary and helpful, especially if we keep our calm and maintain a loving approach.
In conclusion, we all benefit from a dose of reality. Feedback from loving and logical sources fuels our potential. Trust your internal wisdom, while being observant of the outcomes that result form your thoughts, communication, and behaviours. Challenge limiting beliefs as they come to your awareness. Replace them with an analysis of the truth of your experiences, the understandings and knowing’s that come from your mind and heart. Teach this process to children and watch how their honesty propels their potential.
Namaste Chris Leigh-Smith
As our kids grow, parents must grow with them, or we get left behind. On the other hand, many adults are afraid to grow too fast for fear of loosing their friends and family. Sometimes parents consciously or unawares sabotage their own growth to stay in step with their loved ones. As Marianne Williamson’s wrote, “It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” Fear of success is real. Few of us want to develop personally if it contributes to our isolation. Of course, personal growth is a choice that is accompanied by fear. Fortunately, many of our friends and family will grow along with us, possibly as a result of our influence. Although, some will resist change and become distant.
Namaste,
Chris Leigh-Smith