Stirring the Pot
Stirring the pot often reveals unpopular opinions that people do not want to hear. It dredges up stuff, like uncomfortable truths, which many of us wish to ignore. Unpleasant as it is, stirring the pot becomes a necessary evil. Alternatively, we can view pot stirring as an essential to our growth. This opportunity allows us to check on our assumptions, to discern our current reality. The costs of avoiding reality are high, loss of relationships, mental health, and personal potential, to name a few. Most people have buried painful past experiences with a shovel named Denial. Realities that are inconvenient and difficult to face are often unconsciously tucked away. Thus, our insecurities remain hidden below the surface, silently sabotaging us. This is when a dreaded pot stirrer can expose what we wish to avoid. If it feels scary and horrible then it is a necessary insecurity to face. Much of the pain comes from our anticipation of discomfort that accompanies change. Like the mental anguish that precedes pulling off a band aid. We suffer needlessly as the pain of change is small in comparison to the long-term pain of not evolving.
Negative pot stirrers try to create unnecessary drama by exposing the weaknesses of others, or fabricating flaws that do not exist. This is a classic miss-direction designed to have others focus on the failings of those around us, so that they won’t notice our shortcomings. When the pot is stirred with good intentions unresolved issues are challenged with respect and thoughtfulness. Challenging in a positive way involves attention to the issue without laying blame or discrediting the individual. Here, we must be supportive of the individual while unearthing their struggle. If the individual that we are challenging feels that we care more about them than solving their issue, they will likely be more receptive.
The passage of time occasionally provides emotional strength that better equipes us to deal with painful truths. This may be true in very traumatic events. However, more typically our procrastinating attempts to keep our demons at bay only allows insecurities to become more entrenched. It is far better to develop the habit of dealing immediately with poor choices, irrational beliefs, and limiting behaviours. Otherwise, we conjure up dysfunctional strategies that become bad habits, which eventually define our character. For example, avoiding those who disagree with our thoughts and behaviours. Fear of change may cause us to hang out with people that seldom challenge our position, who support our excuses and justifications. Misery loves company; therefore, we often seek friends that share our perspective. On the other hand, wisdom suggests that if we pursue friends who are willing to be honest despite the risk of possible rejection, that we will learn and mature faster. These friends value truth and openness over approval or conformity.
In the quest for truth, the first pot to stir is always our own. Practice being aware of how we think, talk, and act. To take stock of reality, we must ask ourselves if our behaviour matches our values. In this process we seize what we can control, which is our power of choice. We must reevaluate our premises to apply wise choices. Making decisions that avoid the truth only temporarily deters painful outcomes. Illogical choices become irrational behaviours, which become poor habits. For example, not accepting help when you need it. The truth is, seeking help is often wise and not the sign of weakness, which we may have grown up believing.
People are often completely unaware of their biggest limitations. We regularly do not realize our own issues, which are obvious to family and friends. Therefore, being open to people stirring our pot is essential to personal growth. A stellar approach is to go beyond just being open to genuine feedback, and actively invite people’s candid opinions. For example, you have been given the feedback that you tend to control conversations and when stressed you become distant. So after much practice with friends and family, you ask them if they feel you have been more approachable and trusting.
The only risk here is our pride, yet our ego’s must fade if we are to learn. Thus, the second pot to stir is still our own, but this time we ask and listen while others do the stirring.
An example of when we can be oblivious to our unreasonable choices, is when out of fear of losing those we love, we become overprotective. Our personality becomes dominating, imposing our opinions on friends and family. We may be unwilling to listen and shut down emotionally, making ourselves unavailable to those we care about most. Friends and family may feel hopeless to challenge us as we have become intimidating, aggressive, and abusive in our need to rule those we love. Desperately we need someone who is brave enough to stir the pot and disclose our unhealthy behaviours in a straightforward and supportive way. Caring while radically honest, challenging while accepting and non-threatening is the plan.
When we avoid confrontation and are unwilling to stir the pot, the dysfunctional situation may have grave impacts on many people. If safety allows, it is usually healthy to express the truth of our observations. Otherwise, our lack of honest communication silently provides permission to those that harm others. Having a voice affirms our self-respect, speaking our truth without malice is vital for mental health. If no one is willing to challenge the problem, then the issue persists and grows. Questioning perspectives that blame, dehumanize, or which portray themselves as being beyond scrutiny, is a necessary practice that promotes healing. Staying rooted in restrictive patterns shackles our loving expressions and silences our voice.
When we feel that we are challenging ourselves and accepting difficult observations from those in our lives, it is time to return the favour and stir the pot for others, even at the risk of criticism and rejection. Opportunity for learning and positive change occurs when we challenge others like we challenge ourselves, with respect and compassion. Winning an argument or establishing our rightness at the cost of demining others, feeds only our ego. Perhaps, our belief is not strong enough on its own merits if we must sink to discrediting the person rather than exploring the strengths and weaknesses of their opinion.
Some of us may be in the position to stir the pot on antiquated practices, or injustices. Our experience and leadership may call us to challenge organizational policies, business systems, educational dogmas, and political methods. Often current practices become accepted as the norm. Even when they are no longer logical, supportive, or humane. Out of fear many people will cling to traditional and familiar methods of operating. Many pioneers that are on the cutting edge of change will need a thick skin, and unflappable character to overcome the onslaught of resistance that awaits them. If what you are proposing stirs the pots of fearful and entrenched individuals, they may not be able or willing to hear you. For them it is too scary, or it just doesn't fit in their realm of possibilities. Regularly, these individuals will not simply question and oppose modern ideas, they will personally attack and discredit pioneers that threaten their current way of doing things. It is crucial to not fall victim to the relentless refusal of those in authority to explore new paradigms. The naysayers are relying on us to burn out, they want the constant stress of rejection to wear us down. When we burn out, they win. If we are stressed to the point of dis-ease, then innovation, social justice, and humanity, is set aside. Therefore, it is imperative that we invest in selfcare, and resilient mental and emotional health. Leaders for positive change need this awareness, that their mission will undoubtedly be a struggle. Change that advances the human condition has typically been ignored, then contested, and finally condemned. This is the way of it, and their act of opposition validates the immense need for change. Don’t take any of it personally. Be patient and persistent. Build in support strategies and forge allies. Measure success in small yet meaningful ways rather than pinning success on world transformation. Steady improvements will eventually create a trickle-down effect, impacting others through action and irrefutable results. This may not happen in our lifetime; however, the ideas that fuel sustainable change often require time. Many creators of profound change do not get to see their ideas take root. Thankfully, their knowledge and passion will inspire future torch bearers.
So, the question is not whether to stir the pot, but when and how to challenge untruths with love. Here are some basic concepts to support our commitment to being a force for truth.
· Practice being candid with yourself by directly challenging one’s thoughts and actions before we offer the truth of our observations to others.
· Challenge with acceptance and kindness, with no attachment to change. Show respect and focus on the issues. Avoid clouding together the message with the messenger. Don’t make it personal, or take it personally, challenge the problem not the worth or credibility of the person.
· Challenge with good intentions, wait till you’re able to deliver the message without harsh judgement or anger. People are more likely to be open to hearing our message if they are not in a defensive mode.
· Let go of any attachments to being right when we stir the pot. To challenge others in good faith we must also remain open to being converted to new values and beliefs.
Namaste
Instructor Chris