Parents wear a lot of hats, always the teacher, often the coach, regularly the therapist and occasionally the medic. Instinctively we move from one role to the next, managing the needs of the family. It is helpful to apply a basic recipe for undertaking any role that we adopt for our children’s benefit. The primary ingredient is to begin any lesson starting with the child’s strengths. Start by noticing the tiniest of successes, which requires us to reflect upon our childhood and the infinite little victories it took us to get to where we are now. Prior to correcting or coaching children, acknowledge their efforts, intentions, and any related successes. Build upon the child’s skills by verbally recognizing their skills with pride, prior to mentioning their deficits. Treat their strengths and weaknesses as equals, both successes and failures provide equal opportunity to learn and grow. By viewing your child’s strengths and weakness as equal, the child understands that they can learn from their failures, they are then more willing to risk trying rather than holding back. This approach removes the ego from successes and adds in the humanity and acceptance to failures. It becomes less personal and more about learning.
Humans are geared to notice what’s missing, to root out the mistakes, to highlight the flaws over the gifts. Most parents can remember teachers who invented their god-like status by never complimenting their students, instead they devoted precious time to letting us know when we messed up. Maybe it was from a sense of love or more likely a lack of self-love on their part, either way the message to the students was the same, observed deficiency and expressed disapproval. The takeaway for many children is that their knowledge or skills were lacking, which without the simultaneous message of love and acceptance, this meant that they themselves were damaged.
Parents can also remember the teacher or coach who acknowledged our worth, who demonstrated with words and actions our value. We understood that despite our flaws we were still important, needed, and loveable. These god-like adults shaped our inner voice into an instrument of abundance over lack about who we were and who we could become. They supported effort over achievement, they endorsed mistakes as part of the learning process. They didn’t sugar coat everything or ignore our weaknesses, they could be honest about our issues, because it wasn’t judgmental, it was unconditional, and based on acceptance and love which is the recipe for healthy parenting.
Coach kids about what they need, the ingredients for being the best version of themselves. Acknowledge the gifts they already possess, no matter how minute. Start with the most basic ingredients, observe their respect, caring, gentleness, thoughtfulness, or patience. If the goal is to coach humility or honesty as a current area for improvement, remember how painstakingly we developed these character traits as a child, and how these qualities are still evolving within us. If possible, note when our child exhibited these traits in the past. Engage them in a discussion by asking questions that reveal the merits of such characteristics. Share how these traits bring immense value to friendships and to our own self-esteem. Assist in eliminating your child’s doubts about themselves by demonstrating our trust in their greatness.
Parents impart life lessons to their children regardless of how we do it, whether we build them up or tear them down. We want our kids to learn lessons that free them from self-imposed limitations, lessons the unleash their potential for learning and loving. Ultimately, it is a process of building up, not tearing down. The reinforcement must be valid, an authentic observation, or we lose credibility, as they lose trust in us. We have discussed the value in building from their strengths, while creating an emotionally safe place for them when teaching life’s lessons. Lessons that are degrading, blaming, and humiliating create walls of shame and resentment. The child will focus on protecting their self-image, rather than being open to the lesson. Parents who become priceless mentors, avoid preaching, they facilitate the child’s understanding, motivation, and competence of life lessons through modelling, acceptance, sharing, and love.
Namaste
Instructor Chris