Whether it is an emotional outpouring, an anxiety attack, acting out, or perhaps our kids’ latest attempts at parent manipulation, child stress quickly becomes adult stress. Regardless of the reasons for their pain, for those who love them, it can be equally distressing. Their discomfort and confusion, like an airborne virus, quickly infects the whole family, including pets, siblings, and parents. Parental responses range from, “go to your room”, social distancing, to inoculations of chocolate to ease our pain. Another common reaction resulting from child outbursts includes yelling! Telling our kids how to feel, think and act, in our own version of an outburst, where our volume and intensity overpowers theirs. If we really dislike confrontational situations with our kids, parents may resort to proactive bribing or threatening children to squash potential outbreaks and restore tranquility. When our kid’s have a meltdown, experience an episode, become unmanageable, and unreasonable, why does their behaviour destroy our Zen like state? Why do we get afflicted with frustrations, anxiety, and anger of our own? Is sympathetic pain necessary, do we need to suffer before we can come to our child’s aid?
Of course not! We are more effective parents when we stay calm, remain mentally and emotionally intact and available, thus we are able to give the best version of ourselves when managing children’s calamities. If the child’s crisis becomes our crisis, where will the leadership and guidance come from? We need to care and support while separating from their pain. Unless we are a sociopath, parents are conditioned to sympathize and empathize with others, especially our children. Parents are emotionally invested and deeply attached to our kids; therefore, it seems counter-intuitive to be simultaneously attached and detached from them. However, we are more loving and compassionate when connected to them yet detached from their current distress. Healthy detachment means being unaffected by the child’s drama, so that we can remain competent, caring, and committed to their well-being. Being able to be attached to our child, connected and open, and detached to their behaviour, observant, calm, non-judgemental, is the distinction. Ironically, our kids’ meltdowns facilitate parents’ emotional development, maturity, and inner peace.
Creating closeness with the child is vital to assisting them to self regulate, to understand, see new perspectives, and to let go of their need to manage people and situations that are beyond their control. If we are too attached to clearing our children’s discomfort, to fixing their dysfunction immediately, we sabotage the process. It is the process of going through the pain and confusion that allows kids to figure out their own thinking, to identify fears and reasons for their anxiety, that forms the lesson that leads to their growth and maturity. When we protect them from expressing their feelings by trying to mute them, telling them “Everything is going to be ok, don’t cry, don’t be ridiculous, you have no reason to be upset”, these are the parents attempts to fix the child, to shut down the process. In part, this is so that the parents, don’t have to experience the discomfort as well. A child’s fear and subsequent meltdown is directing them towards a life lesson that must be faced by them, hopefully with your guidance.
Sometimes the heightened commotion that kids create around their fears, is a way to avoid facing the problem. Parents will get caught up in addressing the drama and miss aiding the child in identifying the issue. All the fuss can be an attempt to dodge discussing and learning about their fear, to dispense with their responsibilities and to project blame. Sometimes it is just an emotional reaction to the stress and once they are able to express their feelings, the child is more willing to deal with the issue. Either way, parents are wise to encourage the child to get their emotions out in the open. The objective is to promote this purging of intense feelings to be done in respectful and non harmful methods. Punching a pillow is preferable to punching little sister. Don’t expect perfection, just keep coaching step by step more positive methods of interacting. Parents must remain cool and detached while still showing support, acceptance, and love to their child for the lesson to be uncovered. It is truly difficult for children to calm down enough to address their issue when the parent is equally agitated and upset with the child personally. Their priority is whether they are loved, therefore if our actions put that priority in question, then being able to focus on the issue at hand, is difficult to say the least. The child’s mind is whirling on the relationship we have together. The unconditional love between us and our child must not be in question if we are to move forward toward understanding, awareness, and solutions.
Be detached from the child’s stress and chaos, but not detached from the child. Distinguish between the child and their behaviour. We can always love and accept the child without condoning the child’s actions. Parents can coach themselves to not get swallowed up in their child’s pain, while still being able to identify with the child’s feelings and needs. We can understand that empathizing with their feelings and needs does not mean that we can fix them, or always provide for those needs. Acknowledging and sympathizing with a child’s feelings creates connection and provides emotional safety for them to be able to express themselves without judgement. Being respectful, kind, and loving usually takes care of the most important needs. Listening, paraphrasing, probing questions for clarity, plenty of hugs and eye contact, reassurances of acceptance and love, are all aspects of meeting the child’s needs. When you feel it is helpful for their self awareness, respectfully challenge their thinking or assumptions that are not in keeping with reality. For example, when your child says, “Nobody likes me.” when clearly, they have many friends, signals a good time to ask them if what they are feeling is based in truth or in fear. Truth is our best observation of reality, while fear is an emotional response and often a distortion of reality.
It is difficult for parents to be a loving mentor when stressed out and thus distracted from the child’s needs. Breathe, slow down, pause and allow our calm, to wash over our kids, to develop a collective calm. A consistent steadfast unflappable manner will not be mistaken for a lack of caring. Contrary, it allows the child to understand their fears rather than justify their fears from our judgements. Our calm allows for them to untether themselves from the drama, to stop defending their fears and to start relating to the opportunities and solutions that their struggles provide.
Parents who are detached from their child’s drama do not need to be void of emotions; we can cry and laugh and be vulnerable with our kids. What we do not want, is being reactive to them, acting angry, being distant and judgemental while jumping to a consequence or solution that does not include the child’s emotional and intellectual involvement. Rather than fix the situation, facilitate your child’s understanding of their emotions and their thought processes. Parents do not need to know all the answers, we can’t really, it is so unique to each child. All we need to do is to support the process of learning and taking responsibility by asking questions. Consequences are also important for inappropriate behaviour that is being repeated. Initially the discussions, the learning that includes taking responsibility and making amends is the only action required. Repeat offenses need consequences, as parents provide timely karma that inspires appropriate behaviour when the lesson hasn’t taken hold. As long as parents can discipline while not withholding their love, the lessons usually take root.
The questions we ask post meltdown do not even need answers. Open questions cause reflection, metacognition, thinking about our thinking. The child can begin to assess their perspective and the appropriateness of their behaviours. There are no right answers, just a spectrum of possibilities. It is not a quick fix, but a practice of thoughtfulness and taking responsibility for one’s emotions and actions that we wish to impart on our children.
Here are some examples of supportive and nonsuppurative questions and comments:
Supportive (Love Based)
How are you feeling buddy? Thanks – Tell me more.
(Paraphrase and empathize or “Me too” their response)
You’re feeling embarrassed, “me too, I have felt embarrassed as well.”
Do you have ideas about what triggered your feelings?
What do you need?
Are you focussing on what you want, or on what you fear?
Judgemental (Fear Based)
What the hell were you thinking?
I ‘ll give you something to cry about.
You are being a cry baby.
Wait till your father gets home.
What you need is a kick in the butt.
As we grow our kids grow.
Instructor Chris
