Can we embrace a new normal, while realizing that the world has been forever reshaped? The last 17 months have altered our perspectives, added to our knowledge, and changed our realities. Possibly our priorities have shifted, along with associated challenges and opportunities. Moving forward by forgetting the recent past and getting back to normalcy may seem a healthy practice. It may appear productive to just pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and move on as if the pandemic never happened. However, taking a transitionary step, that allows individuals and families to reflect on the global and personal impacts, may prove advantageous. There is improved awareness in discussions around insights gained, the positive changes forged, along with our fears, real or imagined, that may result in behaviours that hold us back.
Taking time to consciously debrief with friends and family, allowing and encouraging conversations on how the pandemic has changed us, is a wise progression. A helpful analogy is the elite sport team watching post game footage of their strengths and weaknesses, thus formulating future strategies, that results in new confidence, growth, and awareness. This examination process does not have to be daunting. Start by choosing to have more meaningful conversations, big talks, over small talks with friends and family. Small talk is pleasant, innocuous, and helpful in building trust and creating common ground. It is interesting to observe if small talk is our usual default mode - low risk, minimal connection. Possibly, the only time we engage in more significant conversations is when we are either overjoyed or negatively overwhelmed. For many of us, the latter is probably more typical. The result is often an emotional outburst, like opening up a shaken can of pop. Our friendships and self-expressions are healthier when we refrain from bottling up the important stuff, like whether we are happy, have purpose, or what our fears and passions consist of. If the majority of our communication is superficial small talk, that avoids controversial, personal, or profound issues, it fails to truly connect us to others, or to challenge and expand our thoughts and feelings. Small talk has minimum social risk with minimum rewards, whereas a deeper conversation has higher social risks and thus greater rewards. The risks are usually associated with rejection or criticism, facing a personal flaw or painful memory. Regardless of the risk, facing it and engaging in more meaningful conversations translates into emotional freedom and improved relationships.
I find three basics are helpful in creating meaningful dialogue:
First, be genuinely interested in the other person by asking these types of questions: How are you doing - really? Are you happy? What do you love?
Second, be real with them. Being confident and vulnerable enough to risk their rejection by expressing authentic feelings, fears and hopes.
Third, be aware of your timing and wait for it… their permission is important. Not everyone is comfortable or has the time to engage in vulnerable and significant discussion. There is always a place for respectful small talk.
Small talks, superficial talks are common; big talks, heartfelt talks are rare. People tend to avoid risks, seeking comfortable exchanges that are easier and safer. On the rare occasion when we have a real conversation, often we notice our courage is rewarded with a release of anxiety. There is a softening of our fears, along with a clearer awareness of how to proceed. Balancing small talk with big talks creates rewards that outweigh the risks. The question is, are you going to take the initiative and ask meaningful questions?
Namaste,
Instructor Chris
