Resiliency against dis-ease, frustration, and self doubt is attainable and teachable. Similar to building our immune system by introducing a microcosm of a disease into our system, we can learn to ward off, or vaccinate ourselves against mental dread and unwanted emotional suffering with gradual doses of reality. It is our resistance to reality that produces uneasiness, frustration, and self doubt.
As adults we may feel anguish and mental turmoil when things don’t go as planned, and life gets bumpy. It is our resistance to the reality that life is typically under construction; that things break, jobs and incomes can be unreliable, promises can be broken, and relationships are a lot of work, that feeds our dis-ease. By checking in with reality and embracing the truth of life, we become less attached to wishing that our lives were problem free. By accepting reality our resistant emotions do not become distractions to us moving forward. When we allow heavy emotions like anger, shame, or guilt to spin our thoughts, we get stuck in fear, and fail to grasp the lessons that help us grow from the insights that are born from difficult challenges.
There are no bad emotions, whether heavy or light, all feelings have something of value to offer us. However, allowing difficult emotions to dominate our thoughts, is the trap of fear. Fearful emotions can be a source of information for us, rather than a source of torment. The mind often swirls around resistances that we put up against the realities that we all must face. Accepting the truth that life can be both wonderful and grim, smooth, and terrifying, is the dose of reality that regardless of age, we must confront. Children who are attached to the expectation that life should be easy, are in a constant state of disappointment. Their heartache is self-induced, their frustration is a product of either not understanding reality or being in denial of it.
Which wheelchair bound person is free? The one who is looking at how to live a full and adventurous life in a wheelchair, or the individual who focuses on anger to distract them from a reality they don’t want to accept.
Kids like adults need reality checks on both ends of the spectrum of life. Life can be a fabulous adventure and life can be a struggle. Life is seldom fair, and great experiences or achievements rarely come easily. Children often hear parental antidotes when they have messed up, when they are swirling in an emotion of frustration or self doubt. Providing reality checks when done with compassion, empathy and with constructive guidance towards a healthy alternative, is the love and candor that changes lives for the better.
Parents do not need to wait till their child is in a crisis to assist them in embracing reality. Ask them when times are good about when life was particularly unfair? Ask them when they have struggled hard, and what lessons they acquired, what new skills or insights did they eventually learn? The more they can reflect on their triumphs, and wisdom gained because of adversity, the more resilient they become to feeling like a victim. Children are less likely to stay immersed in self-pity or embroiled in their fears when encouraged to give their thoughts and associated feelings a reality check. By facing reality, by asking those tough questions about how we choose to perceive life, we make an alliance with truth. Children, with the help of parents can be inspired to see problems as creative opportunities, to value the adventure and uncertainty of life. Then they will begin to realize that resisting reality is the cause of their suffering, not the reality itself.
Here are some suggestions to implement this process of resiliency into one’s life:
When you first notice heavy emotions like anxiety, overwhelm, and anger, direct your attention inward and ask yourself these types of questions.
Am I resisting reality through denial, irrational justifications, blaming, or medicating to avoid my emotions?
Am I using love and logic to thrive during difficult times?
The love part requires focusing on being respectful and kind, especially when we don’t feel that way. The logic aspect seeks unbiased information and clarity around possible choices. Logic is not void of emotion; however it is a choice that is based in reality and not poisoned with our delusions or our fears.
Namaste,
Instructor Chris
