When our integrity is strong, we are happier. If our internal values are consistently expressed in what we say and do, then we have self trust and the earned trust from others. The others include family, friends, business partners, strangers, and our reputation. As parents we can encourage our children to value integrity, by setting a high standard of ethical behaviour for them to aspire towards. An example of this is when children tell, so called, “harmless” lies to better meet their wants. They may lie to their friend to avoid going to their party because they would rather attend a different event. Or our teenager lies to their boss about being ill when they want a day off. These breaches of honesty may appear harmless, yet they are dishonest, habit-forming ways to excuse putting our needs above the needs of others, despite the responsibilities that we agreed to. The bar for integrity has been lowered, accepted, and our kids will likely justify future ethical transgressions. Parents can challenge their children’s thinking, which rationalizes dishonesty for personal gain. This can be done by asking your children questions, by reversing roles, by following the breadcrumbs of what goes around comes around. By not judging our child, rather accepting and loving them, we can still confront dishonesty. Together, parent and child can explore options that build integrity.
Personal integrity gains confidence with every choice that supports the well-being of the many, rather than a select few. It is difficult to be happy when we don’t trust ourselves, and when we realize that others don’t trust us either. Happiness is more about choice than circumstance. People, despite their current adversities, can cultivate a positive, adapting attitude, thus choosing to feel content before all the stars align, or their ship comes in. Joy is grown from the inside. Lasting happiness is not derived from outside stuff. The car, the job, the status, are illusions of happiness that constantly need updates. Those updates require a better car, a higher paying job, or a bigger house. Acquisitions are not wrong, or unhealthy, however, when we rely on them to produce happiness, they become distractions. Even when surrounded by nice distractions we can be disappointed, disillusioned, sad, and lost. Sustainable happiness comes from within, self knowledge, the internal awareness of our daily actions that show we can be trusted, and that we can love who we are, and who we wish to become.
Ethics, our guiding principles, are an essential part of our integrity. We suffer when we stray from ethical behaviour, our integrity is diminished by leading a life that is not aligned with our beliefs. The reason for our suffering is natures feedback loop, or natural consequences. If we are paying attention, feedback is provided in the form of outcomes for every action we take. Feedback shows up internally as feelings of contentment, pride, and joy, or of anxiety, gilt, and shame. Externally feedback shows up as karma, the consequences determined by our behaviour. When feedback is swift it helps us to keep in touch with the reality we are creating. Quick feedback helps us to connect the dots, realizing the fruits or lack there of, of our choices. Feedback is not always timely, it can lag far behind our actions, leaving us unaware that the consequences we face, are of our own making. An example of lagging feedback is when we consume too much of the wrong things, negatively impacting our health down the road. Whether that be an excess of T.V. alcohol, or junk food, the effects are often delayed for some time. Concerning relationships, if we are unwilling to trust others, to share and be vulnerable, the feedback from our friends may be withheld, or given indirectly. Thus, we may fail to notice the signs until we feel excluded from the meaningful friendships that we desire.
Typically, feedback mirrors our behaviour back to us in kind. Thus, good deeds and hard work yield positive outcomes, while selfishness and a poor work ethic produces little value. Lacking integrity, we doubt ourselves internally, second guessing our worth or our ability to live up to our own expectations. Essentially, we keep letting ourselves down, which promotes a negative internal feedback loop. External feedback comes not from our assessment, but from the judgements of others. From family to strangers, the reactions that we receive as a result of our behaviours determines our self-worth. A child or an adult who persistently sees themselves as weak ethically, continually choosing the easy, over the right path, are conditioned by their own thoughts to justify poor integrity. Thus, the feedback loop can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Alternatively, if we feel capable of being ethical and living with integrity, we are more likely to do so.
Character development that has lasting value, takes time, effort, and a resounding dedication. Education, financial wealth, vital health, and satisfying relationships, all begin with applying one’s principles. Think of principles that you admire, identify an ethical code, and adopt it. The following are samples of statements that could be part of an ethical code:
· Be unconditionally loving.
· Give a little more than you receive.
· Let truth and wisdom be our guide.
· Treat everyone with respect - those that are deserving, and equally those who are not.
Creating one’s own code is a process of tremendous value. Applying our code and practicing those principles until they become second nature, builds a consistent integrity that impacts our happiness. Whether it is about being prompt, or honest, selfless, or compassionate, take time each day to grow integrity, to develop character and to lead an ethical life.
We come into the world possessing nothing material wise, we leave in the same way. Our happiness is fleeting if based on material possessions, status, or power. Real joy or happiness is difficult to lose when our most valued possession is our integrity. The gift of integrity is bestowed upon us by us. We unpack this gift by being self-aware and by honestly loving others as much as we love ourselves.
My first memory of integrity was when I was at a grocery store with my dad. He was an engineer who loved to solve problems and he was extremely comfortable with math and computations. This was the era before computers, and my dad made it a habit to add up all the items including the tax before going through the check out. He routinely knew to the penny how much his purchases would cost. That day we had a fairly large list and I watched as the grocery clerk methodically tallied each item. Before bagging, she declared our balance, saying that will be $ 77.07. My dad smiled and softly said, there has been a mistake on the amount. Before he could go further, the clerk, obviously annoyed, declared loudly that she didn’t make mistakes. I thought my dad might back down, or get angry himself, however, he leaned in slightly and said, “I think you misunderstand me; the mistake is not in over charging me, rather I believe that you have under charged me by $20.” Perhaps one of the bigger items was missed as he pointed to a boxed vaporiser. Taken aback the clerk checked her printout of items to discover that my dad was correct. Quietly she learned forward and whispered, “thank you so much, that could of cost me half my days pay or even my job.”
Rather than capitalizing on her mistake and justifying it due to her defensiveness and abrupt remarks, my dad chose to be honest and kind. It was a huge learning experience for me. I further learned from my dad’s treatment of others, that integrity is not something you do just when it is convenient, it is a code that he lived by. Everyone deserves happiness, it is a perspective. The perspective is self love, which feels real when we are at peace with our choices.
Instructor Chris / Tao of Peace
