For some of us, life is exciting, challenging, purpose driven, and filled with satisfying relationships. For others life has become routine, challenges are avoided, substituted for easy, comfortable, and predictable things. This is when fear of failure directs our choices. Poor choices can result in dangerous outcomes. This knowledge alone may freeze us into inaction, and lack of action has its own perils. Acknowledging our fears allows us to identify decisions that are unwise, and to notice choices that come from irrational fears of failure. Luckily, we often get to learn from our poor choices and then chose again with greater wisdom. Fear is a strong emotion, overwhelming at times, yet many of our fears do not manifest themselves. They stay as mental doubts, insecurities, and anxiety about the unknown. Inaction is a result of conspiring with fear to avoid the unknown. Our desires and dreams become paralyzed as we play out our strategy of not trying. Perhaps if we don’t try, we cannot fail, therefore we can’t be rejected for something we never attempted. This mindset is a recipe for stagnation, for if we do not allow ourselves to fail, we surely cannot succeed.
Most of us have plenty of fears. Fear is not the problem, avoiding irrational fear is, as it puts our life on hold. We can learn from what scares us when we are willing to face fearful emotions. Asking ourselves three simple questions, aids us in overcoming fears. First question is, what am I afraid of? Second question is, are my fears a real danger or an emotional response to uncertainty? Third question is, what will avoiding this fear cost me, and what could I learn and achieve by facing my fears?
Each time we face our fears it is an investment in personal growth. Typically avoiding fears will cost us our dreams, learning, and most importantly our self-respect. By having the courage to ask these questions we begin to pierce our insecurities. These questions help us address if our fear is truly a danger or merely a magnified illusion. Fear of failure, of not being good enough, of disappointing others, of being rejected by our peers, are among the most debilitating beliefs that sabotage happiness and success. This is the substance of the first question, what is it that I fear? It is difficult to dismantle a fear that hasn’t yet been truly identified. Part of the process of benefitting from fears, as opposed to being victimised by them, is to admit their existence to ourselves, preferably out loud, and finally to express our fears to someone else. Keeping fears, a secret continues to allow our insecurities to have power over us. We do not need to feel shame about our fears. If we should fear anything it would be not owning our insecurities, otherwise they own us.
Fears such as, not being good enough, are false mindsets. Without having to be good at anything, we are already good enough, and deserving of respect and love. Everyone fails, and we are going to disappoint people from time to time. There will be some that don’t like us, this is life. However, there will be those that do accept and love us despite our faults, make sure you are one of them. This addresses the second question, whether our fears are reasonable or not? Remember fears are emotional and not typically founded in logic or rational thought. It is much easier to let go of fears when we realize they are of our own making.
When we succumb to our fears, there is a cost to us personally. There is a price for not being true to ourselves, for playing it safe, by doubting our abilities our persistence and our resiliency. Anticipating what we will lose, and identifying what we can gain, is the third questions job. This awareness at least keeps us honest about the choices we make and their likely consequences. Unaddressed fears put us in a rut, which is a place of no growth. Hopefully, there is no judgement, shame or guilt associated with being in a rut, for we have all been there. Slipping in and out of ruts is part of the human experience. When we know what being in a rut feels like, those emotions can motivate us to climb up and move forward. Being aware we are in a rut is part of the learning process. It is the beginning of understanding our fears, to move past illusions that trap us into inaction. Those that succeed the most, have failed the most, struggled the most, and learned the most from the challenges of rising up from our ruts.
So, what does a rut feel like? Unhappy, unmotivated, keeping so busy that we have no time to feel our sadness. It can be different for everyone. Remember, we are not bad for being in a rut; we just feel bad. Being in a rut, feels like an endless habit of going through the motions. Creativity is stifled, the challenge of learning is exchanged for dodging tasks that would otherwise expand our experiences and abilities. Inspiration, adventure, and the excitement of tackling a worthy goal, can be lost if we prevent ourselves from stepping into the unknown. If life feels routinely blah, disappointing, in that we are not growing personally, then we are not intentionally directing our own lives. This indicates that we have accepted the predictable rut over the challenge of the mountain.
An exciting and fulfilling life is typically not a result of making comfortable choices. Easy paths have less risks and fewer demands on us to develop personally. Ruts are stable, familiar, they allow us to stay in our comfort zone. Ruts provide security at the danger of losing our authenticity. Ruts are synonymous with complacency, when deep down inside we desire more than security or certainty. Anytime we chose to grow there is risk of failure and more importantly, a risk of judgement.
The rut is an analogy of our fear that we have of failure and rejection. One wall of our rut represents failure. The other symbolizes the judgement we may face from others and our ourselves if we don’t initially succeed. Part of escaping ruts and facing the mountain is our willingness to see failure as part of growth and not allowing other people’s judgements to define us.
Some ruts are shallow, they still allow us to make some observations, to have a modicum of life-awareness. Other ruts are as deeply entrenched as our habits and expectations. Unfortunately, deep ruts obscure our life-perspective, limiting our awareness. Thus, we know only the limited experience of our narrow existence. It often takes a personal trauma, or life altering circumstance for us to be motivated to rise above our current situation. In other words, some of us require significant pain before we make changes before, we push ourselves to adapt or evolve. With practice and a more daring mindset, we can eventually change at will, not requiring pain and loss to push us into action. Deliberately we can choose to grow past our doubts, by applying those three questions. This mindfulness allows us to see the opportunities and freedoms that reside just on the other side of fear. Only we can truly determine if our conduct is more a reflection of being stagnant and in a rut or ascending the mountain.
Routines, time honoured traditions, regimented practices like exercising, meditating, or planned time with our children, are not ruts. Successful happy people live and work in very predictable routines. However, if we feel empty, that our daily routines are marginalizing our existence, then our habits may be a rut that imprisons our potential. We may believe that our dependents and other responsibilities are the reasons why we remain stagnant. Indeed, if we abandon family obligations, ignoring our responsibilities, then the adventure we seek will sour and our happiness will seem self-serving at best. There are circumstances that challenge us to put aside our dreams so we can provide for our family. Enduring a rut is easier when we know that our honourable sacrifice is benefiting those we care for. Thus, our sacrifice is our priority, it has become the present dream that trumps all other dreams. A balance between self-sacrifice and self-care, between our commitments and our personal passions, can often be achieved. If we are feeling stuck, unmotivated, with no goals on the horizon, it is time to reflect and ask ourselves those three questions about our fears. Then we will know if we are in a rut or trekking up a mountain.
Namaste Instructor Chris