Reactions to an outpouring of anger are many, from attempts at appeasement, to defiantly matching the other persons fury. Both of these strategies usually prolong or escalate the anger that we wish to prevent. Being submissive to angry outbursts typically validates the perpetrator’s agenda. Conversely, meeting fire with fire, where we yell louder and puff ourselves up to counter an angry person’s eruption by being more fearsome, may protect us occasionally. However, as a long-term strategy, it just doubles the number of angry people. There are times when verbal retaliation with threatening behaviour seems a viable defensive option. Yet, if we are trying to de-escalate anger and allow understanding and learning to take place, then aggression to subdue aggression, is rarely the answer.
A more effective approach when dealing with angry kids and adults is to first identify and acknowledge their feelings. If we feel that anger is a ploy to create fear and thus compliance, we can call them on it. Whether they are 4 or 84 years old, by being candid, we can alert them that intimidating behaviour is inappropriate. However, if we believe that their anger is not contrived, we can acknowledge their anger and help them to discover its source. By identifying and sympathizing with their emotions we can build bridges that lead to calmer ground.
This can be achieved through a ‘me too’ approach. “Me too, I can understand how angry you must feel, or I am guessing that your pretty upset over this?” These comments validate feelings and shows them that someone understands. If our assumption, “I sense you are feeling very angry,” is wrong, then it provides an opportunity for them to correct us. “No, I am not angry, I am disappointed,” thanking them for the clarification while avoiding splitting hairs on their interpretation is wise. Indicating that they don’t know how they feel, is unwise, and a recipe for more anger. “No, that’s not frustration you are feeling, your angry.” Our corrective statement, although possibly more accurate, is not the goal. Arguing about a person’s feelings, derails our de-escalation efforts. Regardless of what they are feeling, they may soon become angrier if we tell them that their feelings are wrong.
By listening, and empathizing, we are saying, “I have been there”, “I get it”, or even better, “I get you.” People who are in the grips of anger generally loosen their need to keep up this taxing emotion if they feel heard. They can further let go of their anger if we accept their feelings without judgement. Attempting quick solutions for an angry child when they are still highly emotional, is usually unproductive. Statements to sort them out like, “Stop crying, everything will be ok, or you have nothing to be upset about, I can give you a reason to cry!” These attempts at making our kids emotionally tough, shut them down, and eventually shut them up. They will attempt to not feel difficult emotions to avoid parental judgement and overtime they will be reluctant to share their feelings with us. Emotional intelligence and resiliency require us to feel emotions and work through them. Neither dwelling on emotions nor ignoring them allows for the wisdom and insights to sink in.
Strong anger impairs logical minds, and rational guidance rarely penetrates the protective armor that anger creates. When our kid’s blood is still boiling, avoid providing solutions and place all efforts on connecting. Maintain a calm approach, especially if the child or adult is taking out their frustrations on you personally. Our steady relaxed demeanor is vitally important in diffusing their irritations. Angry people often try and cope by projecting their annoyance on to others. Expect it! Don’t take their unkind remarks personally, make a distinction between the person and their inappropriate behaviour. In other words, bad behaviour doesn’t translate unequivocally into them being a bad person. If we harbour judgement and ill will towards them, we will only add to the negativity. Similarly, if their anger triggers us adversely it will be difficult to be the calming force that they need.
Normally, we are uncomfortable when in the midst of an angry person. Yes, we want to help them, yet our own rising anxiety pushes us urgently to seek an answer to their problems. Especially with children, solutions may seem obvious to the more experienced parent. A quick remedy could end their pain which is washing over us as well. Thus, parents are tempted to provide the quick fix. We will feel our child’s pain as our pain. Ironically, parents prolong their child’s suffering by shielding them from their emotional discomfort. Adults forget that many profound life lessons were painful ones. In our attempts to protect them from painful realizations we rob them of those essential lessons that will protect our children in the future. A helpful distinction is that suffering results when we don’t learn from our mistakes, which then becomes habitual. With the lessons lost we repeat painful choices, therefore lack of awareness creates our suffering. Pain on the other hand, is part of our education and a necessary part of the learning process. On the other hand, emotional suffering is self inflicted because of our inability to adapt. People generally take up the mask of anger to hide their fears. Children will also choose to act angry, rather than divulge their fear. Only through acknowledging fear can we triumph over ignorance with an awareness of the lesson and thus skip the suffering.
In review, most angry people need time to acknowledge their emotions before they can focus on learning and problem solving. Angry people tend to settle down more quickly when their feelings are acknowledged. This is the goal, listen, paraphrase, and demonstrate empathy by identifying and accepting their feelings. The next step to de escalate anger is to identify their needs. Anger generally dissolves when a troubled person realizes that we are not only in-tune with their feelings, but also their needs. “Ok, your angry, me too, I understand. I am guessing you need reassurance, or safety, or an apology”. Again, if we are wrong in assuming what they are feeling or need, they can correct us. Listen, empathize, and paraphrase. By paraphrasing them, they feel heard, understood, and cared for as we accept their feelings and are focusing on their needs. It is important to note, that we can not always met another person’s needs. A child may be angry at not having enough friends, and we cannot give them more friends. Yet, we may be able to help them learn the tools needed to make more friends. Whether it is a child who is having a melt down or an adult, the process of staying calm, being accepting and non judgemental, while identifying feelings and needs, is crucial to the process. Being respectful and loving while we resist the urge to fix them, goes a long way to transforming anger into learning.
Namaste,
Instructor Chris