Children do not want to be obsessed with needing peer approval, but most are. If they understand that rejection is a reality of life, then the illusion of needing the approval of others is easier to debunk. Children certainly cannot make their friends happy or win their admiration and respect all the time. Children navigate socially with greater confidence when they accept this reality. The truth is, not everyone will be an ally. Although having allies is wonderful, having adversaries can make us stronger and more aware. Life’s realities can be hard, challenging, unfair, and painful to the core. Part of our job as parents is to prepare kids for life’s realities, to acknowledge these truths and to make sure the child is not facing them alone. It is nice for children to know that other people are going through similar experiences, that they are not the only ones.
Of course, parents must be careful of the realities that we teach. We need to establish that the realities that we share are reasonable and truthful. Parental beliefs based on our painful experiences are sometimes construed as absolutes to protect us against future pain. Examples of erroneous realities and or absolutes are many, such as, “No good can come from a lie. If people are kind, they want something. People do not change. Love is a road that eventually leads to disappointment.” These experiences were undoubtedly someone’s reality. But are they an unwavering truth? Teaching children about life’s realities is a big responsibility, an honour, so we must be thoughtful not to let personal biases corrupt our message that is intended to help them to avoid traps of illogical thinking and irrational feelings.
Consider again, the example of friendship and rejection where naïve notions and lack of coaching leaves kids unprepared. Perhaps, they too will develop unreasonable beliefs designed to protect themselves in the future. Beliefs that are rooted in fear, based in anxiety about repeating painful realities that they had a part in creating. With parents’ coaching children about unbiased realities, kids will gain a more truthful set of values and beliefs. Children need to be exposed to alternative perspectives that challenge their current beliefs, or limited experiences, to identify what they deem is a life reality. A child who previously felt soul crushing loss because of rejection, can learn to value opposing and unsupportive opinions of others without degrading their own values, thoughts, and actions.
Parents realize that some children are going to attract lots of friends, while others will experience plenty of rejections, and exclusion. Kids will learn to play different roles to secure friendships, only to realize that their friends don’t know who they really are. Playing social games to be accepted is tiresome and filled with worry as we fear being discovered. Being disingenuous eats away at our self-worth and self-respect. Children may take the larger part of their childhood or well into their adult life, figuring out this one reality. However, child willing, parents can speed up this process by sharing and being vulnerable.
Understanding of reality or basic truth is not enough. We may know intellectually but still avoid applying our understanding. Most wisdom needs practice and experience to ingrain our knowledge and to apply those skills. Coaching our kids about reality early on is the head start our kids need to patiently develop their understanding over time.
Some children are very challenged socially, having difficulty understanding social cues and find themselves feeling awkward during most interactions with people. If they can learn to be kind, and not take people’s indifference too personally, they will find healthy friendships. Although these children may not be voted most popular, their friendships can be strong and genuine, even if they are few. Over time, with thoughtful coaching parents can significantly improve children's abilities to develop healthy relationships, especially if the kid is taught to be rational, considerate, and loving. Whether the child is a social superstar or socially non-user friendly, all kids need to be coached on the realities of life, particularly on friendships, how to build them, maintain them, and how not to become overly influenced or dependent.
Parents and teachers may avoid sharing certain truths with children. One reason is that the child is not deemed mature enough. This approach is understandable, yet keeping realities from children is not always logical, or in their best interests. Whenever denying the truth, it requires considerable consideration. Fairy tales or Disney versions are designed to shield children from realities that we hope do not exist in their lives currently. Our attempts to guard them against life’s disappointments can produce distrustful, entitled, unrealistic, and difficult children. The more we protect them from reality, the more they get malnourished in skills and character traits that will help them to thrive in the real world. There are going to be exceptions. Protecting them temporarily from certain truths could be a wise approach. Cognitive abilities, emotional stability, relevance, and personal interest, all play factors in when we share our truths, and or our version of reality. If we hold back avoiding the unpleasant task of bursting bubbles of illogical beliefs, we are possibly placing our kids at a disadvantage. So called difficult talks, do not have to be unpleasant. Afterall, the child is receiving a gift of foresight, the real goods, so to speak, about pertinent life issues. Generally, parents underestimate children’s ability to learn and grow from what life offers them. Chances are, if the child is already dealing with a certain reality, then helping them unpack it, and develop strategies on how to deal with it in healthy ways, is a no brainer.
Exposing realities involves doing so in a manner that includes children’s feelings and ideas. Ask lots of questions that cause the child to think through the reality in question. This is a better approach than a well-crafted sermon. Parents may well wonder, is there a time to shield my child from reality? That is a great question that demands another question. What will serve my child the most? Withholding the truth, or exploring the realities that they face? There is no one right answer, this can be a grey area. Sometimes truth is unkind and unnecessary for growth and happiness. Often, the truth allows children to be a part of the decision making that shapes their lives. As parents let’s consider if they will be held back or limited by a lack of honesty? Do they need information, context, or coaching, to put their current reality into perspective? It is not always easy to determine, all we can do is to discern the needs of our child and become aware of the realities that are part of their world.
Here are some other realities that I consider time tested truths that can be shared with children.
· We are not in control of life or other people, but we can control how we choose to respond to both.
· We are not entitled to money, respect, happiness, or even love. But with effort, knowledge, and applied wisdom, we can create them.
· Life is not fair, being unattached to our expectations creates emotional freedom.
· We typically can’t go back, so learn from your past.
· Be mindful of today, tomorrow is not guaranteed.
Namaste,
Instructor Chris