People in our lives whether family or strangers, may consciously or unawares, play difficult and painful roles for our benefit. Through adversity of all sorts, poverty, abandonment, rejection, neglect, domination, degrading, objectifying, or the endless forms of other abuses, these painful experiences set the stage for internal battles that we have for our self-awareness and personal growth. Our children, at times, may appear to sabotage our efforts, our peace of mind, and even the very life we envisioned for ourselves. Nevertheless, how we treat our kids when they disrupt our lives, helps us to learn how to deal skillfully with all saboteurs, those within our family, those outside our family, and those that live in our head. Erroneous beliefs, low self-esteem and a fierce inner critic are some of our internal saboteurs that occupy our minds. Children generally will create stresses that allows parents to become aware of their mind’s pitfalls and traps.
External saboteurs, for example, may include the neglectful grocery clerk, the bigoted car mechanic, the ‘know it all neighbor’, and other adult bullies, are all doing their part for our personal growth. The enemy is not the antagonistic person; they are the opportunity. The battle is not won by putting these people in their place or in winning the argument. These conflicts are about our own awareness, the battle is within to avoid impairing our own self-worth and inner peace. The battle is only with us! Can we notice our ego, can we assess without judgment, and can we respectfully and with kindness seek the solution without having to lay blame or to project our fears and frustrations? Children and others will play roles to challenge our character; to test our insecurities, so that we may overcome our inner saboteurs.
Though we prefer to learn from unconditional love, kindness, and support, let’s not ignore the dark side, where pain catapults us further along our path towards wisdom and happiness. It takes challenging times to create the conditions where our self-respect, self-love, and confidence, are truly forged, tested, and personally recognized. Eventually, our self-worth becomes more indestructible to outside or inside forces. These lessons in life are provided through an endless stream of human interactions, and relationships. Relationships, raw, genuine, and insightful or muted, medicated, and superficial, give birth to our increasing self-awareness. Either way, light or dark, we are going to learn sooner or later. As masters often express, “we often meet our lessons on the road that we take to avoid them.” So next time adversity or a saboteur stares you in the face, just smile and embrace the opportunity, stay open and the lesson will become apparent. We can create a habit of meeting adversity with poise and grace by practicing gratitude. Try showing gratitude for the people in our lives that push our buttons that trigger our fears, which we often display as anger. Instead of seeing them merely as a waste of skin, see them as opportunities for you to behave admirably while under stress.
Our personal cheerleaders, our friends who see only the good in us, are to be cherished as well. Yet, let’s give credit to the many not so supportive ones, who defy our logic and principles, who initially disrupt our peace of mind and who may bring out the worst in us. They offer unique, sometimes distasteful perspectives, negative and disrespectful behaviors, that beg us to practice a loving response. Can we stay peaceful, true to our values, respectful, and supportive while being wronged? When someone is sabotaging can we remain calm? Or do we descend to their level only to become outwardly annoyed and possibly confrontational? Often, we are annoyed because we allowed ourselves to be caught up in someone else’s drama. This annoyance is the mask we wear to hide or divert the anger that we feel for ourselves.
Parents and children who are unhappy with their lives, see little worth or potential in themselves, they often vent their anger in irrational and harmful ways. Rather than blaming children, spouses, or ourselves, we could view all disrespectful actions as cries for help. The more irritating a child’s behaviour, the more they need our help. This help is best when it is loving, affectionate, understanding, and respectful. Gratitude towards the role saboteurs play in challenging and strengthening our character, rather than vilifying them, allows us to respond respectfully and lovingly.
Instructor Chris