The coach gathered their players at centre court two days before battle. Their first game of the season for the Eagles was this Saturday. The coed basketball team was full of excited teens. They sat eagerly at the feet of their coach whose bones were too arthritic to sit on the floor with them. After pausing to make eye contact individually with each player, the coach nodded with a smile signalling gratitude for the team’s respect and desire to learn.
“What is winning,” the coach asked in a quiet voice. The team took a collective breath and paused, knowing the coach would continue to provide context to this odd question. “Is winning determined on the score board? Can we experience winning without tasting defeat? Is there greater value in winning versus loosing?” The coach went silent.
A tall girl in the middle of the pack ventured her thoughts. “Do we not learn more by performing well, and if we perform well, are we not more likely to win?” The coach nodded approvingly to the young lady showing respect, without agreeing or challenging her comment. The coach invited the team to respond. “Winning builds confidence, because we require superior skills to outmatch our opponents,” came a voice from the side. “People love winners, winners get attention, respect, and greater opportunities,” stated another player. Still another team member argued, “some winners are arrogant, and self-absorbed.”
The coach cleared their throat and then asked the team if they wanted to hear a story. As the students leaned in nodding, the coach began. “A long time ago in a land now forgotten, my dad and I played ping-pong.” Grinning the team knew their coach was indeed ancient. “At first my dad insisted that we play without keeping score. As my skills improved, he allowed for us to play the occasional game. He would win one match and then lose the next. This cycle repeating itself over and over for years. He always won and lost by the slimmest of margins. Although my skills kept improving over time, the scores never changed. When I was about 12 years old, I asked him if he was losing on purpose? Dad smiled and said that he was doing his best to keep the game close, and to allow me the opportunity to experience winning and losing. Both are valuable, and necessary in developing character he said. Dad concluded, there are winners who are losers and losers who are winners. Some people play to learn, others play to prove themselves to others. We all have much to learn and nothing to prove, except to ourselves about who we want to be.”
With shrugged shoulders the coach repeated the initial question, “What is winning?” Keeping things light, the joker of the team piped up, “Winning is kicking the other team’s butt!” Laughing, the coach asked the joker how they really felt? Looking thoughtful the player began, “Winning can be indicated on the score board, but it can also be how you feel about yourself.” The coach asked if anyone could repeat and further explain this idea. A player who was sitting on their hands responded, “It is one thing to win the game, it is a very different experience to feel proud about how you have played the game.”
“Ok,” the coach pondered, “What is involved in playing that makes us feel good about ourselves?” The team responded with a flurry of ideas. Sportsmanship, being a team player, fairness and ethics in how you perform, committed effort, being gracious in defeat, were among the many winning attributes expressed. “Wow”, the coach said excitedly. “So, could I be very proud of this team even in defeat? Will I be pleased if you do your best, without having to be the best? Can I be honoured by your character despite the score of the game?” The team seemed relieved and were nodding yes in unison.
The coach continued, “What I have learned from you today, is that winning on the score board is not equivalent to winning in your heart. Regardless of our teams win and loss record, I sincerely hope we all grow together in being a team with true heart, and individuals of wonderful conduct. Alright everyone, 50 free throws and we will call it a night.” The tall girl approached the coach as everyone else dispersed to practice foul shots. “Coach, do you feel that winning doesn’t matter?”
Smiling, the coach responded, “It is my understanding that the experience of both winning and losing provides the opportunity to develop loving qualities, that strengthen our character and thus our relationships. Winning and losing will test our core values and challenge our priorities. Under stress is when we truly get to know ourselves. How we behave playing competitive sports helps us to be more aware of how we act and treat others in life. Sports gives us time to practice how we wish to represent ourselves in life beyond the athletic field.”
“But” the girl interjected, “how do athletes do that when the world rewards winners and discards losers?” The coach responded. “By living in a world according to your own values. Fame, and fortune are pale rewards compared to self-respect and peace of mind. When we practice being present to each moment, mindful of how we are interacting in life’s journey, winning, and losing will dissolve. The choices we make and how it impacts our experience cannot be defined by winning or losing. Being a winner or a loser are judgements often made by those who desperately want to win, hoping it will define them. Each of us must choose what it means to be a winner in life. When my dad lost ping-pong games to me, why do you feel he felt like a winner?”
She paused a moment then replied, “Because his goal was not about winning or losing, it was about you. Ok coach,” she smiled, “I think I will enjoy sports more now, knowing that regardless of the final score, I can still be happy and feel like a winner.”
Namaste
Instructor Chris