It is normal and yet dysfunctional for people to be disrespectful to others, especially those we are closest to, like our family members.
We may mistreat siblings or parents, not appreciating how important relationships are, until they become too painful, or we lose them.
Often, to get what we want in family dynamics, we may use unhealthy strategies like ignoring, cold shoulder, and arguing to secure our preferences. These strategies are not only unhealthy, they are not sustainable over time. Both parties feel disrespected and they ramp up strategies to combat each other.
The healthy truth is that we don’t always get what we want, nor do we always deserve or need what we want. Being honest about our preferences is cool as long as you’re not attached to preferences becoming a reality. If we are only happy when our preferences are being met, then our selfishness drives others away form us. We may get what we want, at the expense of others. Life may feel similar to a roller coaster of ups and downs, happy only when life is smooth and frustrated when life is not what we want or versioned.
STORY: Told by siblings who survived the quake and became refugees in the USA
Back in the 70’s there was an article in Time Magazine about two siblings that survived an earthquake and subsequent mud slide in Romania, that devastated their village. The boy 9 and his sister 11, along with their teacher and other classmates, fortunately were on a field trip when the disaster hit. Upon their return, they discovered the village in ruin, the school buried by the mud slide and most of the villagers had perished. With winter setting in and no help on the horizon, brother and sister who once fought and bickered insentiently, now relied on each other for survival. Each day was filled with avoiding dangerous opportunists, searching for clean water and food, while trying to stay warm. Four months would pass before Red Cross was able to get emergency supplies to the area.
The brother, sister duo became a team when faced with this natural adversity. Prior to the earthquake, they recognized that they had fought over insignificant things. Who gets to go first, who gets the last cookie, who is right; they argued about petty stuff. After several days of having conveniences being replaced with difficulties, the siblings realized how self-absorbed and selfish they had been. The trials of this natural disaster allowed sister and brother to realize their small-minded behaviour and what was truly important to them.
The young boy, now an adult, recalled how his sister noticed that he was coughing with a fever, gave him all her food that they had scavenged together. He recalled how she went hungry so that he would have more calories to fight off his cold.
In the interview they stated that the tragedy of losing parents and friends, resulted in them gaining a new and healthy perspective of setting priorities in life. They learned to value each other over personal preferences, over small insignificant matters. They learned to take responsibility for another person, to even sacrifice their own needs to better serve someone else.
We do not need to experience a tragedy in order to learn from their story. Next time you find yourself in an argument or some altercation, remind yourself of what you value most. Hopefully it will be a prioritized set of values or code of conduct. Here is a sample of some basic human values:
1. Personal integrity – being authentic, just and honest. My behaviour is consistent with my words and or beliefs.
2. Kindness – Self care along with care and service to others.
3. Relationships over material items, social status, fame and or power.
4. Friends for no benefit – Your friendship is an example of unconditional respect and love. This means you are friendly and helpful, honest and caring without requiring compensation or even recognition. Your friendships do not resemble transactions, like, I will be your friend if you do stuff for me or act in ways that I approve of.
