Honour the Saboteurs

People in our lives whether family or strangers, may consciously or unawares, play difficult and painful roles for our benefit. Through adversity of all sorts, poverty, abandonment, rejection, neglect, domination, degrading, objectifying, or the endless forms of other abuses, these painful experiences set the stage for internal battles that we have for our self-awareness and personal growth. Our children, at times, may appear to sabotage our efforts, our peace of mind, and even the very life we envisioned for ourselves. Nevertheless, how we treat our kids when they disrupt our lives, helps us to learn how to deal skillfully with all saboteurs, those within our family, those outside our family, and those that live in our head.  Erroneous beliefs, low self-esteem and a fierce inner critic are some of our internal saboteurs that occupy our minds. Children generally will create stresses that allows parents to become aware of their mind’s pitfalls and traps. 

External saboteurs, for example, may include the neglectful grocery clerk, the bigoted car mechanic, the ‘know it all neighbor’, and other adult bullies, are all doing their part for our personal growth. The enemy is not the antagonistic person; they are the opportunity. The battle is not won by putting these people in their place or in winning the argument. These conflicts are about our own awareness, the battle is within to avoid impairing our own self-worth and inner peace. The battle is only with us!  Can we notice our ego, can we assess without judgment, and can we respectfully and with kindness seek the solution without having to lay blame or to project our fears and frustrations? Children and others will play roles to challenge our character; to test our insecurities, so that we may overcome our inner saboteurs. 

Though we prefer to learn from unconditional love, kindness, and support, let’s not ignore the dark side, where pain catapults us further along our path towards wisdom and happiness. It takes challenging times to create the conditions where our self-respect, self-love, and confidence, are truly forged, tested, and personally recognized. Eventually, our self-worth becomes more indestructible to outside or inside forces. These lessons in life are provided through an endless stream of human interactions, and relationships. Relationships, raw, genuine, and insightful or muted, medicated, and superficial, give birth to our increasing self-awareness. Either way, light or dark, we are going to learn sooner or later. As masters often express, “we often meet our lessons on the road that we take to avoid them.”  So next time adversity or a saboteur stares you in the face, just smile and embrace the opportunity, stay open and the lesson will become apparent. We can create a habit of meeting adversity with poise and grace by practicing gratitude.  Try showing gratitude for the people in our lives that push our buttons that trigger our fears, which we often display as anger. Instead of seeing them merely as a waste of skin, see them as opportunities for you to behave admirably while under stress.

Our personal cheerleaders, our friends who see only the good in us, are to be cherished as well. Yet, let’s give credit to the many not so supportive ones, who defy our logic and principles, who initially disrupt our peace of mind and who may bring out the worst in us. They offer unique, sometimes distasteful perspectives, negative and disrespectful behaviors, that beg us to practice a loving response. Can we stay peaceful, true to our values, respectful, and supportive while being wronged? When someone is sabotaging can we remain calm? Or do we descend to their level only to become outwardly annoyed and possibly confrontational? Often, we are annoyed because we allowed ourselves to be caught up in someone else’s drama. This annoyance is the mask we wear to hide or divert the anger that we feel for ourselves.          

Parents and children who are unhappy with their lives, see little worth or potential in themselves, they often vent their anger in irrational and harmful ways. Rather than blaming children, spouses, or ourselves, we could view all disrespectful actions as cries for help. The more irritating a child’s behaviour, the more they need our help. This help is best when it is loving, affectionate, understanding, and respectful. Gratitude towards the role saboteurs play in challenging and strengthening our character, rather than vilifying them, allows us to respond respectfully and lovingly.

Instructor Chris

What Flows Within ~ Flows Without

If we are smiling inside, we glow on the outside. If sad on the inside, a cloud shades our normal sunny disposition. We do not need to hide our feelings from others, however if we wish to accentuate the positives, it is important to smile on the outside even when we are troubled on the inside. Our chemical makeup matters. Emotions influence our chemical state, which has a direct impact on our health.  It is important to recognize our emotions, learn from them, but then move past feelings that can become toxic over time. Let optimism and hope seep into our hearts and sooth our troubled minds. As the saying goes, ‘as within, so without’, our mental influence flows in both directions. Body language, mood, health, and disease are profoundly impacted by our thoughts. To place a smile on our lips when we are upset, awakens our optimism and hope. To giggle or belly laugh when we are in pain, lessens our suffering.

Restore interrupted joy by not concentrating on our pain. Stubbing our toe results in pain that signals us to avoid doing this again. When someone is yelling at you over the phone, we can politely hang up. We can also hang up on our pain signals. Once we have heard the bodies message that we are causing harm, we’ve got it. There is no need to replay it. Emotional confusion, mental anguish, our inner critic, are all flowing inside, affecting our bodies. Holding on to pain like anger or resentment causes toxicity within, thus anger destroys the vessel that contains it. Projecting or expressing our anger in harmful ways creates even more toxicity, within us and others. The goal is to not ignore pain messages while also learning not to magnify or dwell on our pain.

 Learning is not always painful, and it typically is not comfortable either. Pain is inevitable, yet we do not have to suffer by languishing in our destress. Replaying our failures while degrading oneself for past choices, does not address the issue. It is self-imposed punishment. Learning can be accomplished by facing our pain and then letting it go. Seek the answers to issues with peace, acceptance, and forgiveness inside. If our peace is crumbling within, flow gratitude, confidence, and happiness on the outside. Is this a distraction or a re-set button? Does it re- focus us away from our pain? Can we then explore the root cause of our suffering? Either way, summoning up a more positive disposition creates an advantage of optimism and hope. If we are emotionally wrapped up in fear, or anger, then our rational mind is impaired. Our ability to bring to the table valuable resources to deal with the issue is diminished, as the mind is not open, and our thoughts are dominated by fear. The angry mind is like a flower that has closed its pedals to protect itself from the outside elements. Once we acknowledge our fear and anger, we can open our minds to focus on solutions, understanding, compassion and connection.

When scared on the inside, smiling on the outside can free the mind, allowing it to progress forward. Einstein, shared with us that in order to solve a problem we need to utilize a different mind than the one that caused that problem in the first place. Problems can be made up of external adversities like a flood, or tornado. Our day-to-day problems are more typically a result of our choices and their resulting consequences. Effects of poor choices can cause just pain, or we can include learning opportunities. Sometimes our choices result in wonderful outcomes, and we fear we are a fraud, that we will not be able to live up to our success. Even great choices can result in mental strife. Addressing the core issue leads us to greater awareness which promotes wiser choices. Therefore, when we are struggling on the inside it is important to assist our minds and our internal chemistry to aid us in rising above being stuck. Regardless, if it is physical pain or the result of mental anxiety, break the cycle of rehashing it. When distress hits, force a grin, not to fool others, but to remind yourself to be optimistic, to be hopeful, it’s a learning process.  

Namaste Instructor Chris  

Bully Proofing Tip: Awareness Helps

We discussed self-esteem as the key element in helping students to bully proof themselves. One concept in aiding youth to build their self-worth / confidence is through awareness of personal strengths. Sit down with your child to identify the character traits that they value and already posses. Asking questions of your child on how they demonstrate these traits can assist in validating and creating awareness of strengths.

The parent can then begin to help their child to identify character traits that they would like to develop, that are not currently being applied in their lives. Again, asking questions of the child on how they could demonstrate these traits is most useful in helping your child develop awareness around their behaviours.
 
Lastly, a technique which yields great parenting results is to view all children's traits as a gift. Traits such as stubbornness or shyness can easily be re-framed into strengths. This way the child gets to see that although stubbornness may be limiting at times, this wilful behaviour can also be a valued strength under the right conditions.

Kids who learn to love who they are, can more easily reshape their limiting traits into qualities that both enhance their lives as well as become a source of personal pride.
 
Make a great moment.
Instructor Chris

Bully Proofing Tip: Self-Esteem

The strongest tool to protect our children from the bully is their self-esteem. The most valuable tool we have to engage life and learn is our evolving self-esteem. Confidence, self-worth, and our level of self-assurance creates a foundation of strength, courage, and logical connection to reality that turns the bullying experience into a learning one.

All steps towards understanding, building, and maintaining self-esteem will positively affect our child’s friendships, academics pursuits and all other activities, while creating resiliency regarding bullying and adversity.

Let the topic of personal worth be kept alive with your children through story-telling, books, and coachable moments. Celebrate the slightest of improvements while drawing awareness to your child’s insecurities in an accepting and loving manner. Being vulnerable and willing to share your own journey regarding self-esteem makes a profound impact on your child.
 
Namaste,
Instructor Chris