Socializing is often dominated with talking with only partial listening. We talk to express our thoughts, to create a connection and to make an impression. We have conversations to gather information, to learn, to introduce an opinion or sway someone towards our point of view. If we are not too preoccupied by our own successes and problems, we can do more than just listen, we can read the other person. Like a good story, many interesting clues lie between the lines. Reading people is a fabulous talent, an art form that can endear us to our friends and family. They feel special in our presence because we really understand them. It is an appreciation for subtle interaction where the communicator is also heard for what they are not saying. Facial expressions, body language, tuning into true intentions, surmising the deeper meaning, requires intent listening, observing, and most of all, caring. Sometimes people’s words are not congruent with what their face is saying, or their gestures are not matching the message. Generally, people don’t wish to offend, are fearful of disapproval from their peers, and generally want to please. This leads to mixed messages where real objectives or preferences are hidden behind communication that is designed to help them avoid judgement and to fit in.
To read another person is to empathize with them emotionally and to discern the truth as best we can. To connect deeply with others requires less talk and more listening, or more precisely, greater mindfulness in our interactions. We do not need to become experts in micro expressions, however, we can increase our awareness to learn more about someone than merely taking their verbal communication at face value. Many of us aspire to be an outstanding friend or parent, who really gets what’s going on, who is approachable, trustworthy, and unconditionally loving. Therefore, when someone is sharing, let’s apply effort into unpacking the whole message. People, it seems, are communicating, even when they are not talking. Having someone who is receptive to us and who listens beyond our words is a huge support. How do we lend that support so that others will trust us, encouraging a more authentic interaction?
When people are feeling emotionally safe, they are more willing to risk, to reveal the layers of complexity that is their story. It takes thoughtfulness on our part to provide others the sense that they can trust us, a compelling message that they are safe in our company. It is the little things that we do and don’t do that encourages people to be themselves, to feel included, accepted and valued. It is wonderful, relaxing, and exciting at the same time when we have that kind of faith in another person. To feel you can be honest, open, and behave in accordance with who you truly are is a gift. Sharing with someone who reads you well, who cares to understand you, not to find fault and judge, but to empathize and connect is an uplifting experience. It is a rare, and unexpected opportunity, that we can strive to provide. However, if the other person has been hurt too many times, they may still choose to be reserved. Be patient, it is a gift that must be unwrapped when and if they are ready.
Besides being mindful, observant, and kind during conversations, the first impression often dictates whether this is to be a normal social exchange or something special. Being relaxed, honest, and concerned in the well-being of others, opens the door to conversations that we will fondly remember. Lighting up, displaying warmth, showing enthusiastic interest from the first moments of an encounter is key. Imagine being greeted by your pet after a long absence. From the tip of their cold nose to the wagging of their tail, a dog oozes delight. Obviously, their listening skills and acceptance are second to none. We immediately sense their happiness, just because we showed up. There is no judgement, no hoop to jump through, no need to impress, to be someone or something else. It is complete joy for our existence, and it feels good. Even when we are down, our pet will be persistently affectionate and undeterred by our negative mood. We are too valuable to be dismissed for being upset or indifferent. We are so important that our aloofness and even our actions of rejection, will not stop the love that they have for us. If we want people to feel safe and loved in our presence, we would do well to learn unconditional love from our four-legged friends. To foster impeccable listening, reading, and connection, here are some basic dos and don’ts.
Dos
· Be honest and open
· Be interested in what drives others and what holds them back
· Accept people for who they are
· Respect everyone, it is not about condoning their beliefs or actions, it is about being kind
· Listen more than you talk
· Be compassionate and practice empathy
· Be calm and loving especially when others are fearful
· Paraphrase often
· Ask lots of questions
Don’t
· Judge
· Don’t confuse your opinion with what’s right for others
· Be overly critical
· Pass on painful emotions to others
· Be content with small talk, risk discussions about important issues
· Jump to conclusions or make decisions on assumptions
· Take comments personally, chances are it is not about you
Namaste
Instructor Chris