Viewing entries tagged
attitude
As my principal Jim Toews use to say, “There are no problems, only creative opportunities.” Opportunities are often disguised as tough problems. Some problems overwhelm us, and we find it difficult to believe that on the other side of tough, is a silver lining. Belief is critical.
Wisdom - how do we learn and earn insight, and how do we encourage children to value applied knowledge? Stories are common about children seeking wisdom from their parents and grandparents, or a young entrepreneur getting mentored by a seasoned businessperson. There are also contrasting stories where parents, teachers, and coaches are mocked for being outdated and possessing little relevant value. In some cultures, parents and grandparents are revered elders. These elders may not dress in the latest fashion, listen to modern music, or speak the nuances of their children’s generation. Typically, elders are less comfortable with computers and do not understand the endless references of social media that entertain our youth. Their value and connection are not about fitting in, being accepted, or in having common interests. Elders create connection through shared life experience and undying kindness. Elders connect with love and respect, even when that love and respect is not reciprocal.
An important question is, do your kids value your counsel, do they seek the wisdom of others and their challenging perspectives? In order for parents to nurture children to value information, candor, and experiences that will illuminate wise actions, we need to become a treasured mentor or elder. It would be remiss to believe that children only want quick answers. They need relationships with elders to develop trust in themselves, to know that they are capable of wisdom. From interactions with elders, they learn the importance of unbiased information, opposing viewpoints and pausing to check in with their emotions. Elders provide a safe place for youth to touch base with their love and logic. These relationships create resiliency and confidence in youth, so that they begin to understand that all we can do is our best, in each moment and in each decision.
Elders have common traits that distinguish them as being a valuable asset to the next generation. Elders make themselves available. Elders create time to listen and have no time to judge. They share experiences, painful failures, and riveting adventures effortlessly. Elders don’t just share ideas; they involve youth by wrapping them up in the gift of their vulnerability. Elders question youth in supportive ways, putting aside their personal agendas. They are inquisitive and caring and willing to let youth go through the pain that hones wisdom over time. Elders accept youth as they are, and where they are at. Despite setbacks, they trust in children’s greatness, which unlocks imaginations, stirs hopes, and expands dreams.
It would be unfair to characterize elders as superior beings who have all the right answers. One size fits all solutions rarely exists. Being the keeper of wisdom is not a pretense elders can afford, nor is ego. Youth sees through such facades. Elders are ordinary people who provide extraordinary service by being present, honest, and open to those around them. Elders don’t quit, even when the seeker does. Persistently patient, they instill positive belief, because that is what they give over and over. Given the chance, young people seek truth above shallowness; popularity, meaningless distractions, or relationships formed for only their personal gain. Naturally, this perspective is not true of all youth, yet in their own time, most youth will rise to meet the challenges, especially when patient elders believe in their highest potential.
It is a common sentiment that parents feel like imposters when they step into the role of being an elder. When someone is trusting you with stuff that is real and raw about them, they have dispelled the notion of you as an imposter, for they have chose you as their elder. We too must rise to the occasion and believe in our ability to have something of value, to share. Regardless of culture, social status, religion or era, kids need elders and elders need the eager hearts and minds of children who will complete this beautiful cycle of wisdom and become elders themselves.
The highest form of wisdom is kindness.
Instructor Chris
Ang is kind, considerate and generous. She’s always thinking of how to help others. Ang also doubts herself and is unsure of her value. Her self-talk reflects fears about her worth. Ang, like us all, is a captive listener to her own thinking. Her negative thoughts reinforce the belief that she is not good enough.
There has always been good and bad, hot and cold and up and down. We are often reminded that opposites bring balance to the universe. It seems normal that left needs right, and our crops need both sun and rain. But do we really need unethical people who do unspeakable deeds to know what is right and to take right action? Perhaps, maybe, time will tell.
In today’s world of high-tech conveniences like robotics and automation, it can be challenging to provide children with meaningful chores that teach responsibility and service. Growing up, I had a never-ending list of farm chores posted on the fridge, and rainy days felt like a rare escape to explore the countryside. Many children today lack these work-life experiences that once shaped character.
Kids need to hear the straight goods regarding their behaviour, for without parents honest feedback they will continue to develop limiting thoughts and habits. If we are honest without being harsh, if we can share observations in a respectful and compassionate way, children will more likely take the time to truly look at themselves. Without a strong intention for self development, and in the absence of loving mentors, children will still learn, but at a much slower rate. Life’s lessons will tend to be more confusing and more painful. Children can better muster the courage it takes to be vulnerable and open to honest feedback from others when they have a foundation of acceptance and love from their caregivers. Children who learn to value transparent coaching will grow in maturity beyond their years.
From screen doors to tinted windows, filters are plenty helpful. On the other hand, conscious or unconscious mental filters might need replacing. Mental filters that only recognize information or experiences that are familiar or convenient and which disregard the unknown are problematic, limiting our personal growth.
People can become victims of crimes, diseases, or of bullish behaviour, yet they do have to act like a victim. Taking on the victim role is rooted in the belief that solutions lie outside of ourselves. In the case of a bullied person, the victim often feels the problem is only solved when the bully changes or is taken to task. However, if bullies suddenly changed their mean ways, we would not be presented with opportunities to become stronger. Because of bullies and adversities, we can learn to be assertive, resilient, confident, and trusting in our self worth. Aggressors rarely disappear at the first hint of disapproval, especially when we play the victim role.
Someone shared with me, that if you want to be helpful, be interested rather than trying to be interesting. Instead of impressing people, be present with them. When we want to reach out to see if someone needs a lift or a save, loose the charm and lead from your heart. Instantly, our contact becomes real, not predictable and superficial. Depending on the recipient, meaningful connections will either repel some or be a refreshing and welcomed alternative. Polite small talk has it’s place, however, be aware of signals that indicate a greater need.
True confidence is not a result of being recognized or valued by others. Being acknowledged for who you are or admired by others is wonderful, yet it is not a source of viable confidence. When we are secure enough to allow others to see our authentic selves, the good with the bad, then true confidence is ours.
Although rules are necessary, they need to be adaptive to our changing situations. Children eventually learn that rules are often modified or ignored. However, for young children rules keep them safe. Don’t touch the stove, don’t talk to strangers, always look twice before crossing the street. Having rules that provide the less experienced a chance to gain experience without dying first, is not a bad thing. So why are rules destined to be broken? Rules are generally simple, like an on - off switch. Yet, most of life’s choices exist somewhere between completely on and completely off.
When our kids goof up, telling them to use common sense, or stating that the answer is obvious, is rarely effective. Parent’s life experiences combined with a mature, more developed brain, assist us in identifying relevant factors for discerning appropriate courses of action. Often parents forget or are unaware that the child’s mind is not fully formed and unable to draw upon the conclusions that the typical adult takes for granted. Coupled with significant less life experience, (a 5 yr. old has only 60 months on the planet) obvious, is simply not obvious. Therefore, comments regarding obvious, and using common sense is felt by our kids as judgemental, overly critical, and personal. This kind of parental feedback is rarely viewed by children as having a positive intent.
As author Wayne Dyer says, judging others does not define them, it defines us.
Judging children or others may feel like a means to educating them, we think we are instilling a much-needed course correction. However, especially for children, being judged as wanting, this does little to illuminate the logic of a problem, it only adds to their insecurities.
When a parent reads anger on an individual’s face, it seems so obvious. For the child, who’s brain does not register facial expressions or social cues, obvious seems more like magic. In time most developing minds will learn these subtle intricacies, but what about the kid’s self-esteem during this process? The developed mind can learn to read people more carefully, children can learn to cope, adjust, and adapt to information that is not intuitive for them. However, these mental connections are difficult for the child if the brain wiring is not yet complete. This is as true for a toddler as it is for your teenager.
As parents we are trying our best to guide and support, sometimes a little understanding can help with our compassion and more effective parental strategies. Here are some interesting points for parents of teenagers or emerging teens:
Regardless of your teen’s success in school or their I.Q. sound judgements are not something they can excel at, at least not yet. The rational part of a teens brain has not fully developed. In an adult we utilize our prefrontal cortex, the brain’s logical aspect to make choices. This part of the brain allows us to respond to situations and draw rational conclusions. The wiring of the prefrontal cortex enables us to make tangible connections between our behaviour / choices and likely consequences. In other words, adults have the ability to engage good judgement and to develop common sense strategies.
Teens process information differently using an emotional part of the brain, the amygdala. The connections between the emotional part and the decision-making center of the brain are still developing. That is why when teens have overwhelming emotional input, they can’t explain later what they were thinking. They weren’t thinking as much as they were feeling. The rational part of a teen’s brain will not be fully developed until the age of 25 -30.
So, what can we do besides being more aware of the teenage mind?
· Try discussing the -what if game- if I do this action what are the possible consequences. With your help and insights, your teenager can improve impulsive thinking, and link their actions to logical outcomes.
· Coach children that they are resilient and capable in making wise choices, especially with experience and counsel. This shows faith in their abilities and encourages them to discuss their life and difficult choices with you.
· Show an interest in the things that interest your kids, this indicates to them that they are important to you. This bolsters self-esteem and autonomy in decision making.
· As with your partner/spouse, ask your kid if they want you to respond, or if they just want you to listen. Trying to fix their problems with sermons leaves them out of the equation for addressing life’s lessons. They are more likely to share their life with you if you ask them lots of questions to access their ideas and wisdom.
In conclusion, replace judgements with, listening, supportive discussions and patience. Whenever possible be proactive and discuss up coming choices before they become highly emotional. If it turns into an emotional crisis, create an emotional safe place for them. Remind them that they can play a positive role in bad situations. Our brains are amazingly fluid, and wisdom flows better when it has a foundation of love and support.
Have a great fall/winter!
Namaste,
Instructor Chris
*supportive research from University of Rochester Medical Center
Sometimes simplicity is too simple. Some situations require complicated means to achieve the best result. However, generally speaking, simple is best. As we age life often feels increasingly complicated. There is more information in our heads, we have more responsibilities, more dependents, and we may have more possessions to maintain. All this translates into greater worries about gain and loss. Maybe this is why some choose to uncomplicate life by living simply.
Ang is kind, considerate and generous. She’s always thinking of how to help others. Ang also doubts herself and is unsure of her value. Her self-talk reflects fears about her worth. Ang, like us all, is a captive listener to her own thinking. Her negative thoughts reinforce the belief that she is not good enough.
There has always been good and bad, hot and cold and up and down. We are often reminded that opposites bring balance to the universe. It seems normal that left needs right, and our crops need both sun and rain. But do we really need unethical people who do unspeakable deeds to know what is right and to take right action? Perhaps, maybe, time will tell.
In today’s world of high-tech conveniences like robotics and automation, it can be challenging to provide children with meaningful chores that teach responsibility and service. Growing up, I had a never-ending list of farm chores posted on the fridge, and rainy days felt like a rare escape to explore the countryside. Many children today lack these work-life experiences that once shaped character.
Kids need to hear the straight goods regarding their behaviour, for without parents honest feedback they will continue to develop limiting thoughts and habits. If we are honest without being harsh, if we can share observations in a respectful and compassionate way, children will more likely take the time to truly look at themselves. Without a strong intention for self development, and in the absence of loving mentors, children will still learn, but at a much slower rate. Life’s lessons will tend to be more confusing and more painful. Children can better muster the courage it takes to be vulnerable and open to honest feedback from others when they have a foundation of acceptance and love from their caregivers. Children who learn to value transparent coaching will grow in maturity beyond their years.
From screen doors to tinted windows, filters are plenty helpful. On the other hand, conscious or unconscious mental filters might need replacing. Mental filters that only recognize information or experiences that are familiar or convenient and which disregard the unknown are problematic, limiting our personal growth.
People can become victims of crimes, diseases, or of bullish behaviour, yet they do have to act like a victim. Taking on the victim role is rooted in the belief that solutions lie outside of ourselves. In the case of a bullied person, the victim often feels the problem is only solved when the bully changes or is taken to task. However, if bullies suddenly changed their mean ways, we would not be presented with opportunities to become stronger. Because of bullies and adversities, we can learn to be assertive, resilient, confident, and trusting in our self worth. Aggressors rarely disappear at the first hint of disapproval, especially when we play the victim role.
Someone shared with me, that if you want to be helpful, be interested rather than trying to be interesting. Instead of impressing people, be present with them. When we want to reach out to see if someone needs a lift or a save, loose the charm and lead from your heart. Instantly, our contact becomes real, not predictable and superficial. Depending on the recipient, meaningful connections will either repel some or be a refreshing and welcomed alternative. Polite small talk has it’s place, however, be aware of signals that indicate a greater need.
True confidence is not a result of being recognized or valued by others. Being acknowledged for who you are or admired by others is wonderful, yet it is not a source of viable confidence. When we are secure enough to allow others to see our authentic selves, the good with the bad, then true confidence is ours.
Although rules are necessary, they need to be adaptive to our changing situations. Children eventually learn that rules are often modified or ignored. However, for young children rules keep them safe. Don’t touch the stove, don’t talk to strangers, always look twice before crossing the street. Having rules that provide the less experienced a chance to gain experience without dying first, is not a bad thing. So why are rules destined to be broken? Rules are generally simple, like an on - off switch. Yet, most of life’s choices exist somewhere between completely on and completely off.
Parents prioritize many aspects of their children’s growth. Like a nurse triaging, parents will select what is relevant or crucial for their child’s continued growth. We tend to know our kid’s strengths, and it is helpful to acknowledge and build upon those competencies. Sometime, their weaknesses are not addressed or challenged in ways that provide tools for meaningful change. Conversely, our children’s weak areas may become too much of a focus, and thus their self image is based on their flaws. A balance needs to be struck between identifying and accepting weaknesses and acknowledging and being grateful for strengths. If there is an imbalance, I would emphasize building from the child’s strengths to improve weaknesses, even if those strengths are not always being applied. Building from strengths is leveraging on a more positive self-image, and typically yields greater results.
In addition, it is often best to praise effort over achievement. “You participated with heart and courage – over – You scored the most goals, or you’re the most flexible dancer. Linking approval and self-worth to effort, persistence, and having a positive attitude promotes a more sustainable self image. Whereas, only praising achievement creates a self image based on comparisons to others, rather than on self improvement. Even the most talented child will find others who are more talented. Like a dog chasing its own tail, they seek an unattainable goal of being the best to secure love and approval from their tribe.
Parents, teachers, and children’s comfort zones can get in the way of addressing personal growth issues. Parents need to be brave beyond our need to be liked and challenge our kids to be better. We may feel in time our kids will absorb the understandings and skills that they currently lack. Why stir the pot? Why bring up uncomfortable issues? Because, when we do not stir the pot, stuff gets burned. Our kids are going to get burned in life, it is inevitable. When we tackle the tough personal issues together, the difficult lessons in life are more easily absorbed. We can help kids to look forward to constructive criticism, to value self knowledge and growth, even if it is initially painful. How? By loving kids unconditionally while we challenge them to address their insecurities or weaknesses. Celebrate their strengths with an air of humility and gratitude. Celebrate and challenge, ingrains an attitude in the child that values themselves while equally valuing continuous growth.
Schools attend to the whole child, yet typically this environment favours academic excellence over self awareness and communication skills. Children can focus on school with far greater attention, when they are feeling safe physically, emotionally, and socially. When a child is distracted by insecurities, like being physically bullied, excluded, or generally unaccepted by their peer group, academics will not be a priority for them.
Even, the socially gifted and naturally confident kids will benefit from addressing their weaknesses or challenging their understandings that are limiting them in life. Therefore, I feel Life Skills or Philosophy Concepts are so relevant to children’s development.
Here is a concept to explore with your children.
Life is not fair, it is life, with ups and downs. With a great attitude you can be grateful for the ups and learn from the downs.
Share this wisdom with your kids when things are obviously going well. When they are not in crisis mode, the message can be more easily digested. Also, review this wisdom when things are obviously horrible. Encourage them to adopt a great attitude where they can choose to learn from any difficult challenge.
We can ask our kids whether they want to be bitter or better? Life will undoubtedly give all of us the opportunity to experience both, it is our choice of attitude that makes all the difference.
Namaste
Instructor Chris
Sometimes simplicity is too simple. Some situations require complicated means to achieve the best result. However, generally speaking, simple is best. As we age life often feels increasingly complicated. There is more information in our heads, we have more responsibilities, more dependents, and we may have more possessions to maintain. All this translates into greater worries about gain and loss. Maybe this is why some choose to uncomplicate life by living simply.
Ang is kind, considerate and generous. She’s always thinking of how to help others. Ang also doubts herself and is unsure of her value. Her self-talk reflects fears about her worth. Ang, like us all, is a captive listener to her own thinking. Her negative thoughts reinforce the belief that she is not good enough.
There has always been good and bad, hot and cold and up and down. We are often reminded that opposites bring balance to the universe. It seems normal that left needs right, and our crops need both sun and rain. But do we really need unethical people who do unspeakable deeds to know what is right and to take right action? Perhaps, maybe, time will tell.
In today’s world of high-tech conveniences like robotics and automation, it can be challenging to provide children with meaningful chores that teach responsibility and service. Growing up, I had a never-ending list of farm chores posted on the fridge, and rainy days felt like a rare escape to explore the countryside. Many children today lack these work-life experiences that once shaped character.
Kids need to hear the straight goods regarding their behaviour, for without parents honest feedback they will continue to develop limiting thoughts and habits. If we are honest without being harsh, if we can share observations in a respectful and compassionate way, children will more likely take the time to truly look at themselves. Without a strong intention for self development, and in the absence of loving mentors, children will still learn, but at a much slower rate. Life’s lessons will tend to be more confusing and more painful. Children can better muster the courage it takes to be vulnerable and open to honest feedback from others when they have a foundation of acceptance and love from their caregivers. Children who learn to value transparent coaching will grow in maturity beyond their years.
From screen doors to tinted windows, filters are plenty helpful. On the other hand, conscious or unconscious mental filters might need replacing. Mental filters that only recognize information or experiences that are familiar or convenient and which disregard the unknown are problematic, limiting our personal growth.
People can become victims of crimes, diseases, or of bullish behaviour, yet they do have to act like a victim. Taking on the victim role is rooted in the belief that solutions lie outside of ourselves. In the case of a bullied person, the victim often feels the problem is only solved when the bully changes or is taken to task. However, if bullies suddenly changed their mean ways, we would not be presented with opportunities to become stronger. Because of bullies and adversities, we can learn to be assertive, resilient, confident, and trusting in our self worth. Aggressors rarely disappear at the first hint of disapproval, especially when we play the victim role.
Someone shared with me, that if you want to be helpful, be interested rather than trying to be interesting. Instead of impressing people, be present with them. When we want to reach out to see if someone needs a lift or a save, loose the charm and lead from your heart. Instantly, our contact becomes real, not predictable and superficial. Depending on the recipient, meaningful connections will either repel some or be a refreshing and welcomed alternative. Polite small talk has it’s place, however, be aware of signals that indicate a greater need.
True confidence is not a result of being recognized or valued by others. Being acknowledged for who you are or admired by others is wonderful, yet it is not a source of viable confidence. When we are secure enough to allow others to see our authentic selves, the good with the bad, then true confidence is ours.
Although rules are necessary, they need to be adaptive to our changing situations. Children eventually learn that rules are often modified or ignored. However, for young children rules keep them safe. Don’t touch the stove, don’t talk to strangers, always look twice before crossing the street. Having rules that provide the less experienced a chance to gain experience without dying first, is not a bad thing. So why are rules destined to be broken? Rules are generally simple, like an on - off switch. Yet, most of life’s choices exist somewhere between completely on and completely off.
Sometimes simplicity is too simple. Some situations require complicated means to achieve the best result. However, generally speaking, simple is best. As we age life often feels increasingly complicated. There is more information in our heads, we have more responsibilities, more dependents, and we may have more possessions to maintain. All this translates into greater worries about gain and loss. Maybe this is why some choose to uncomplicate life by living simply.