Viewing entries tagged
judgement

Making Our Connections Count

Making Our Connections Count

Someone shared with me, that if you want to be helpful, be interested rather than trying to be interesting. Instead of impressing people, be present with them. When we want to reach out to see if someone needs a lift or a save, loose the charm and lead from your heart. Instantly, our contact becomes real, not predictable and superficial. Depending on the recipient, meaningful connections will either repel some or be a refreshing and welcomed alternative. Polite small talk has it’s place, however, be aware of signals that indicate a greater need.

Bringing Grace into our Lives

Bringing Grace into our Lives

When a person’s movements flow like water, they are graceful. When a person’s heart and mind unit in openness and love, they are infused with grace. Those in a state of grace are often absent of fear, while accepting a perilous reality, they are emotionally unaffected by it. In moments of grace, we are clear of unrelated thoughts, the mind is completely absorbed in current reality. An individual in grace can be totally out of their element, however, they utilize truth and love in astonishing ways. Physical grace requires dedicated practice, however, if the mind is chaotic, graceful movements are harder to achieve. Interestingly, a person’s body may be trapped in a state of disease or injury, but their heart/mind can flow with amazing perception and understanding.

How do we invite ourselves into a state of grace? An initial step is to ask ourselves if an open and loving consciousness is what we desire. If loving consciousness requires awareness of reality, an open and receptive mind to all experiences is essential. We need to let go of what we think we know to increase our receptive abilities.  Thinking that we are capable of complete understanding creates a rigid and judgemental mind which filters out our access to consciousness. A closed mind forms a vail between us and reality. By acknowledging that we don’t know what we don’t know, encourages inquisitiveness and gratitude. Arrogance uses filters to hide our insecurities, dulling our ability to listen to new and contrary opinions. We become stuck intellectually, and emotionally disconnected.

If grace is our goal, what changes do we need to make? Which thoughts, feelings, and behaviours do we grow, and which ones do we weed out? Ongoing questioning of our thinking and values is the openness that leads to greater awareness. This inquisitive process connects our hearts and minds to seek grace in every moment. Choosing reality, over preferences, over prejudices, and over what is self-serving, creates loving awareness.  Then, all we need is discipline to keep this practice alive. Perhaps, it is easier to think of discipline as will power, the power to consider positive change.

Another way to be in grace is to allow it. Practice seeing the best outcomes for everyone. Focus on intentions that serve the greater good. Be both accepting of self and others while committed to self improvement. Having goals and plans that remain fluid and open to change is helpful. Therefore, having attachments and fixed agendas are detrimental to developing grace. Being available to compassionately listen to people’s viewpoints despite our pessimism or fear, is indeed graceful. Grace is not about perfection, as openness requires the humility to be imperfect, to make mistakes, and to be constantly learning and evolving.

Being in grace, involves developing a heart that will not exclude people. How can a cruel person know the value of kindness, if we do not treat them with kindness, regardless of their behaviour? Holding people to their past deeds, expecting that they are incapable of change, discourages grace which has the ability to transforms lives. A person in a state of grace can disapprove of people’s conduct, while still holding space for them to do better. Forgiveness manifests grace, which translates to an acceptance and love that can flow to those who need it the most.

An unhealthy ego is the opposite of grace. Ego, edges – grace - out. Self importance, and the need to rise above others, is egoism hampering the flow of resources that are accessible to an open minded and humble person. Egotistical thoughts, obscures our reality. To protect our egos, stories are created that we tell ourselves to justify our actions, which further warps our reality. Discerning the truth of our thoughts, unearthing false beliefs, and exposing our insecurities, is the pathway to grace. This pathway becomes a superhighway when we take responsibility for our conduct and how it impacts everyone.

Loving ourselves for who we are now, encourages grace to rush to our side. With every attempt we make to restore grace, grace responds to us exponentially. When we accept that we have worth and potential despite our flaws, our dependency on the recognition and approval of others decreases. Now, more personal energy can flow towards what we want to create. Grace encourages us to believe in ourselves. Self doubt impedes grace. Without the fear of ‘not being good enough’, we become more present, more conscious. Thinking that clings to the past and future, rob us of grace, for grace is our commitment to love and reality in the present moment. So, by loving ourselves we can let go of other people’s perceptions about our worth. This is when our thoughts become clear, and our heart/mind is uncluttered. This may feel like we are experiencing no thoughts at all, only conscious awareness.

Another aspect that brings grace into our lives is our growing emotional intelligence. Feel and acknowledge all emotions. Challenge the uncomfortable emotions to a test of reality and truth. Fear is an example of an emotion that is not always logical, loving, or based in truth. Emotions are like breadcrumbs leading us to the truth, but only if we are willing to feel those emotions and then confront the reasons for harbouring them. As an example, jealousy is an emotion that is not good or bad to feel. However, experience shows us that behaving in a jealous manner causes harm. Feeling jealous and acting jealous are two very different things. By being aware of our jealous emotion, we can proactively express it in a positive, rather than destructive way. For example, fear may cause us to trash talk people that we are envious of, while grace can transform our jealousy into acknowledgement and support for other people’s talents. Love and acceptance of ourselves allows us to connect with others more easily. Feeling peaceful, during confrontational situations, means we are resting in the state of grace. Grace is loving consciousness in action. Concentrate on extending love in all directions, within and without, and grace will fill our lives.

Namaste,

Chris

Helping Children to Value Wisdom

Helping Children to Value Wisdom

Wisdom - how do we learn and earn insight, and how do we encourage children to value applied knowledge? Stories are common about children seeking wisdom from their parents and grandparents, or a young entrepreneur getting mentored by a seasoned businessperson. There are also contrasting stories where parents, teachers, and coaches are mocked for being outdated and possessing little relevant value. In some cultures, parents and grandparents are revered elders. These elders may not dress in the latest fashion, listen to modern music, or speak the nuances of their children’s generation. Typically, elders are less comfortable with computers and do not understand the endless references of social media that entertain our youth. Their value and connection are not about fitting in, being accepted, or in having common interests. Elders create connection through shared life experience and undying kindness. Elders connect with love and respect, even when that love and respect is not reciprocal.

An important question is, do your kids value your counsel, do they seek the wisdom of others and their challenging perspectives? In order for parents to nurture children to value information, candor, and experiences that will illuminate wise actions, we need to become a treasured mentor or elder.  It would be remiss to believe that children only want quick answers. They need relationships with elders to develop trust in themselves, to know that they are capable of wisdom. From interactions with elders, they learn the importance of unbiased information, opposing viewpoints and pausing to check in with their emotions. Elders provide a safe place for youth to touch base with their love and logic. These relationships create resiliency and confidence in youth, so that they begin to understand that all we can do is our best, in each moment and in each decision.

Elders have common traits that distinguish them as being a valuable asset to the next generation. Elders make themselves available. Elders create time to listen and have no time to judge. They share experiences, painful failures, and riveting adventures effortlessly. Elders don’t just share ideas; they involve youth by wrapping them up in the gift of their vulnerability.  Elders question youth in supportive ways, putting aside their personal agendas. They are inquisitive and caring and willing to let youth go through the pain that hones wisdom over time. Elders accept youth as they are, and where they are at. Despite setbacks, they trust in children’s greatness, which unlocks imaginations, stirs hopes, and expands dreams.

It would be unfair to characterize elders as superior beings who have all the right answers. One size fits all solutions rarely exists. Being the keeper of wisdom is not a pretense elders can afford, nor is ego. Youth sees through such facades. Elders are ordinary people who provide extraordinary service by being present, honest, and open to those around them. Elders don’t quit, even when the seeker does. Persistently patient, they instill positive belief, because that is what they give over and over. Given the chance, young people seek truth above shallowness; popularity, meaningless distractions, or relationships formed for only their personal gain.  Naturally, this perspective is not true of all youth, yet in their own time, most youth will rise to meet the challenges, especially when patient elders believe in their highest potential.

It is a common sentiment that parents feel like imposters when they step into the role of being an elder. When someone is trusting you with stuff that is real and raw about them, they have dispelled the notion of you as an imposter, for they have chose you as their elder. We too must rise to the occasion and believe in our ability to have something of value, to share. Regardless of culture, social status, religion or era, kids need elders and elders need the eager hearts and minds of children who will complete this beautiful cycle of wisdom and become elders themselves.

The highest form of wisdom is kindness.

Instructor Chris

More Content
Keeping it Simple
Keeping it Simple

Sometimes simplicity is too simple. Some situations require complicated means to achieve the best result. However, generally speaking, simple is best. As we age life often feels increasingly complicated. There is more information in our heads, we have more responsibilities, more dependents, and we may have more possessions to maintain. All this translates into greater worries about gain and loss. Maybe this is why some choose to uncomplicate life by living simply.

Three Wise Mentors
Three Wise Mentors

Ang is kind, considerate and generous. She’s always thinking of how to help others. Ang also doubts herself and is unsure of her value. Her self-talk reflects fears about her worth. Ang, like us all, is a captive listener to her own thinking. Her negative thoughts reinforce the belief that she is not good enough.

The Sandwich of Good and Bad
The Sandwich of Good and Bad

There has always been good and bad, hot and cold and up and down.  We are often reminded that opposites bring balance to the universe. It seems normal that left needs right, and our crops need both sun and rain. But do we really need unethical people who do unspeakable deeds to  know what is right and to take right action?  Perhaps, maybe, time will tell.

Entitlement
Entitlement

In today’s world of high-tech conveniences like robotics and automation, it can be challenging to provide children with meaningful chores that teach responsibility and service. Growing up, I had a never-ending list of farm chores posted on the fridge, and rainy days felt like a rare escape to explore the countryside. Many children today lack these work-life experiences that once shaped character.

Honest Communication – Feedback and Beliefs
Honest Communication – Feedback and Beliefs

Kids need to hear the straight goods regarding their behaviour, for without parents honest feedback they will continue to develop limiting thoughts and habits. If we are honest without being harsh, if we can share observations in a respectful and compassionate way, children will more likely take the time to truly look at themselves. Without a strong intention for self development, and in the absence of loving mentors, children will still learn, but at a much slower rate. Life’s lessons will tend to be more confusing and more painful. Children can better muster the courage it takes to be vulnerable and open to honest feedback from others when they have a foundation of acceptance and love from their caregivers. Children who learn to value transparent coaching will grow in maturity beyond their years.

Human Filters – Have you changed your filters lately?
Human Filters – Have you changed your filters lately?

From screen doors to tinted windows, filters are plenty helpful. On the other hand, conscious or unconscious mental filters might need replacing. Mental filters that only recognize information or experiences that are familiar or convenient and which disregard the unknown are problematic, limiting our personal growth.

Recognizing Victim Mentality
Recognizing Victim Mentality

People can become victims of crimes, diseases, or of bullish behaviour, yet they do have to act like a victim. Taking on the victim role is rooted in the belief that solutions lie outside of ourselves. In the case of a bullied person, the victim often feels the problem is only solved when the bully changes or is taken to task. However, if bullies suddenly changed their mean ways, we would not be presented with opportunities to become stronger. Because of bullies and adversities, we can learn to be assertive, resilient, confident, and trusting in our self worth. Aggressors rarely disappear at the first hint of disapproval, especially when we play the victim role.

Making Our Connections Count
Making Our Connections Count

Someone shared with me, that if you want to be helpful, be interested rather than trying to be interesting. Instead of impressing people, be present with them. When we want to reach out to see if someone needs a lift or a save, loose the charm and lead from your heart. Instantly, our contact becomes real, not predictable and superficial. Depending on the recipient, meaningful connections will either repel some or be a refreshing and welcomed alternative. Polite small talk has it’s place, however, be aware of signals that indicate a greater need.

True or False Confidence?
True or False Confidence?

True confidence is not a result of being recognized or valued by others. Being acknowledged for who you are or admired by others is wonderful, yet it is not a source of viable confidence. When we are secure enough to allow others to see our authentic selves, the good with the bad, then true confidence is ours.

Diminishing Rules Theory
Diminishing Rules Theory

Although rules are necessary, they need to be adaptive to our changing situations. Children eventually learn that rules are often modified or ignored. However, for young children rules keep them safe. Don’t touch the stove, don’t talk to strangers, always look twice before crossing the street. Having rules that provide the less experienced a chance to gain experience without dying first, is not a bad thing. So why are rules destined to be broken? Rules are generally simple, like an on - off switch. Yet, most of life’s choices exist somewhere between completely on and completely off.

Developing Minds

Developing Minds

When our kids goof up, telling them to use common sense, or stating that the answer is obvious, is rarely effective. Parent’s life experiences combined with a mature, more developed brain, assist us in identifying relevant factors for discerning appropriate courses of action. Often parents forget or are unaware that the child’s mind is not fully formed and unable to draw upon the conclusions that the typical adult takes for granted. Coupled with significant less life experience, (a 5 yr. old has only 60 months on the planet) obvious, is simply not obvious. Therefore, comments regarding obvious, and using common sense is felt by our kids as judgemental, overly critical, and personal. This kind of parental feedback is rarely viewed by children as having a positive intent.

As author Wayne Dyer says, judging others does not define them, it defines us.

Judging children or others may feel like a means to educating them, we think we are instilling a much-needed course correction. However, especially for children, being judged as wanting, this does little to illuminate the logic of a problem, it only adds to their insecurities.

When a parent reads anger on an individual’s face, it seems so obvious. For the child, who’s brain does not register facial expressions or social cues, obvious seems more like magic. In time most developing minds will learn these subtle intricacies, but what about the kid’s self-esteem during this process? The developed mind can learn to read people more carefully, children can learn to cope, adjust, and adapt to information that is not intuitive for them. However, these mental connections are difficult for the child if the brain wiring is not yet complete. This is as true for a toddler as it is for your teenager.

As parents we are trying our best to guide and support, sometimes a little understanding can help with our compassion and more effective parental strategies. Here are some interesting points for parents of teenagers or emerging teens:

Regardless of your teen’s success in school or their I.Q. sound judgements are not something they can excel at, at least not yet. The rational part of a teens brain has not fully developed. In an adult we utilize our prefrontal cortex, the brain’s logical aspect to make choices. This part of the brain allows us to respond to situations and draw rational conclusions. The wiring of the prefrontal cortex enables us to make tangible connections between our behaviour / choices and likely consequences. In other words, adults have the ability to engage good judgement and to develop common sense strategies.

Teens process information differently using an emotional part of the brain, the amygdala. The connections between the emotional part and the decision-making center of the brain are still developing. That is why when teens have overwhelming emotional input, they can’t explain later what they were thinking. They weren’t thinking as much as they were feeling. The rational part of a teen’s brain will not be fully developed until the age of 25 -30.

So, what can we do besides being more aware of the teenage mind?  

·        Try discussing the -what if game- if I do this action what are the possible consequences. With your help and insights, your teenager can improve impulsive thinking, and link their actions to logical outcomes.

·        Coach children that they are resilient and capable in making wise choices, especially with experience and counsel. This shows faith in their abilities and encourages them to discuss their life and difficult choices with you.

·        Show an interest in the things that interest your kids, this indicates to them that they are important to you. This bolsters self-esteem and autonomy in decision making.

·        As with your partner/spouse, ask your kid if they want you to respond, or if they just want you to listen. Trying to fix their problems with sermons leaves them out of the equation for addressing life’s lessons. They are more likely to share their life with you if you ask them lots of questions to access their ideas and wisdom.

In conclusion, replace judgements with, listening, supportive discussions and patience. Whenever possible be proactive and discuss up coming choices before they become highly emotional. If it turns into an emotional crisis, create an emotional safe place for them. Remind them that they can play a positive role in bad situations. Our brains are amazingly fluid, and wisdom flows better when it has a foundation of love and support.

Have a great fall/winter!

Namaste,

Instructor Chris

 

*supportive research from University of Rochester Medical Center

More Content
Keeping it Simple
Keeping it Simple

Sometimes simplicity is too simple. Some situations require complicated means to achieve the best result. However, generally speaking, simple is best. As we age life often feels increasingly complicated. There is more information in our heads, we have more responsibilities, more dependents, and we may have more possessions to maintain. All this translates into greater worries about gain and loss. Maybe this is why some choose to uncomplicate life by living simply.

Three Wise Mentors
Three Wise Mentors

Ang is kind, considerate and generous. She’s always thinking of how to help others. Ang also doubts herself and is unsure of her value. Her self-talk reflects fears about her worth. Ang, like us all, is a captive listener to her own thinking. Her negative thoughts reinforce the belief that she is not good enough.

The Sandwich of Good and Bad
The Sandwich of Good and Bad

There has always been good and bad, hot and cold and up and down.  We are often reminded that opposites bring balance to the universe. It seems normal that left needs right, and our crops need both sun and rain. But do we really need unethical people who do unspeakable deeds to  know what is right and to take right action?  Perhaps, maybe, time will tell.

Entitlement
Entitlement

In today’s world of high-tech conveniences like robotics and automation, it can be challenging to provide children with meaningful chores that teach responsibility and service. Growing up, I had a never-ending list of farm chores posted on the fridge, and rainy days felt like a rare escape to explore the countryside. Many children today lack these work-life experiences that once shaped character.

Honest Communication – Feedback and Beliefs
Honest Communication – Feedback and Beliefs

Kids need to hear the straight goods regarding their behaviour, for without parents honest feedback they will continue to develop limiting thoughts and habits. If we are honest without being harsh, if we can share observations in a respectful and compassionate way, children will more likely take the time to truly look at themselves. Without a strong intention for self development, and in the absence of loving mentors, children will still learn, but at a much slower rate. Life’s lessons will tend to be more confusing and more painful. Children can better muster the courage it takes to be vulnerable and open to honest feedback from others when they have a foundation of acceptance and love from their caregivers. Children who learn to value transparent coaching will grow in maturity beyond their years.

Human Filters – Have you changed your filters lately?
Human Filters – Have you changed your filters lately?

From screen doors to tinted windows, filters are plenty helpful. On the other hand, conscious or unconscious mental filters might need replacing. Mental filters that only recognize information or experiences that are familiar or convenient and which disregard the unknown are problematic, limiting our personal growth.

Recognizing Victim Mentality
Recognizing Victim Mentality

People can become victims of crimes, diseases, or of bullish behaviour, yet they do have to act like a victim. Taking on the victim role is rooted in the belief that solutions lie outside of ourselves. In the case of a bullied person, the victim often feels the problem is only solved when the bully changes or is taken to task. However, if bullies suddenly changed their mean ways, we would not be presented with opportunities to become stronger. Because of bullies and adversities, we can learn to be assertive, resilient, confident, and trusting in our self worth. Aggressors rarely disappear at the first hint of disapproval, especially when we play the victim role.

Making Our Connections Count
Making Our Connections Count

Someone shared with me, that if you want to be helpful, be interested rather than trying to be interesting. Instead of impressing people, be present with them. When we want to reach out to see if someone needs a lift or a save, loose the charm and lead from your heart. Instantly, our contact becomes real, not predictable and superficial. Depending on the recipient, meaningful connections will either repel some or be a refreshing and welcomed alternative. Polite small talk has it’s place, however, be aware of signals that indicate a greater need.

True or False Confidence?
True or False Confidence?

True confidence is not a result of being recognized or valued by others. Being acknowledged for who you are or admired by others is wonderful, yet it is not a source of viable confidence. When we are secure enough to allow others to see our authentic selves, the good with the bad, then true confidence is ours.

Diminishing Rules Theory
Diminishing Rules Theory

Although rules are necessary, they need to be adaptive to our changing situations. Children eventually learn that rules are often modified or ignored. However, for young children rules keep them safe. Don’t touch the stove, don’t talk to strangers, always look twice before crossing the street. Having rules that provide the less experienced a chance to gain experience without dying first, is not a bad thing. So why are rules destined to be broken? Rules are generally simple, like an on - off switch. Yet, most of life’s choices exist somewhere between completely on and completely off.