Learning to focus on our one true self sets a crystal-clear path for personal growth, allowing others to meaningfully connect with us and support our life goals. Development of our one true self is made easier when we understand the duo of the inner and outer self. The inner self represents our beliefs, values, and authentic voice, while the outer self is what we show the world in order to gain acceptance.
When a person’s movements flow like water, they are said to be graceful. When a person’s heart and mind collaborate in time, they are infused with grace. Those in a state of grace are often absent of fear. Even while accepting a perilous reality, they are emotionally unaffected by it. In moments of grace, we are clear of unrelated thoughts, the mind is completely absorbed in its current reality.
Today’s parents have new challenges. Previous generations were kept busy feeding, clothing, and educating their kids, while even earlier generations of parents were preoccupied with just keeping their children alive. Parenting challenges that exist today, like learning disabilities, gender identity, ADHD, autism spectrum, along with heightened anxiety and depression, either didn’t exist in the past, or we were unaware of them.
Recently I experienced a very peaceful dream where everyone on the planet checked in with themselves before making decisions. In the dream, choices, even the insignificant ones, were put through a quick screening process. People insisted on making choices that were aligned with their life aspirations of honouring truth, wisdom, and love.
Stirring the pot often reveals unpopular opinions that people do not want to hear. It dredges up stuff, like uncomfortable truths, which many of us wish to ignore. Unpleasant as it is, stirring the pot becomes a necessary evil. Alternatively, we can view pot stirring as an essential to our growth.
Can we love people who are not loving in return? Do hurtful people, lacking in respect and decency, deserve kindness? Is there a way to be truthful and kind to those who are not thoughtful or principled? Loving the lovable is easy, especially if we are feeling good. Being respectful, kind, and inspiring to people we approve of is rewarding. However, showing patience and compassion to those who are undeserving can be challenging.
When a person’s movements flow like water, they are graceful. When a person’s heart and mind unit in openness and love, they are infused with grace. Those in a state of grace are often absent of fear, while accepting a perilous reality, they are emotionally unaffected by it. In moments of grace, we are clear of unrelated thoughts, the mind is completely absorbed in current reality. An individual in grace can be totally out of their element, however, they utilize truth and love in astonishing ways. Physical grace requires dedicated practice, however, if the mind is chaotic, graceful movements are harder to achieve. Interestingly, a person’s body may be trapped in a state of disease or injury, but their heart/mind can flow with amazing perception and understanding.
How do we invite ourselves into a state of grace? An initial step is to ask ourselves if an open and loving consciousness is what we desire. If loving consciousness requires awareness of reality, an open and receptive mind to all experiences is essential. We need to let go of what we think we know to increase our receptive abilities. Thinking that we are capable of complete understanding creates a rigid and judgemental mind which filters out our access to consciousness. A closed mind forms a vail between us and reality. By acknowledging that we don’t know what we don’t know, encourages inquisitiveness and gratitude. Arrogance uses filters to hide our insecurities, dulling our ability to listen to new and contrary opinions. We become stuck intellectually, and emotionally disconnected.
If grace is our goal, what changes do we need to make? Which thoughts, feelings, and behaviours do we grow, and which ones do we weed out? Ongoing questioning of our thinking and values is the openness that leads to greater awareness. This inquisitive process connects our hearts and minds to seek grace in every moment. Choosing reality, over preferences, over prejudices, and over what is self-serving, creates loving awareness. Then, all we need is discipline to keep this practice alive. Perhaps, it is easier to think of discipline as will power, the power to consider positive change.
Another way to be in grace is to allow it. Practice seeing the best outcomes for everyone. Focus on intentions that serve the greater good. Be both accepting of self and others while committed to self improvement. Having goals and plans that remain fluid and open to change is helpful. Therefore, having attachments and fixed agendas are detrimental to developing grace. Being available to compassionately listen to people’s viewpoints despite our pessimism or fear, is indeed graceful. Grace is not about perfection, as openness requires the humility to be imperfect, to make mistakes, and to be constantly learning and evolving.
Being in grace, involves developing a heart that will not exclude people. How can a cruel person know the value of kindness, if we do not treat them with kindness, regardless of their behaviour? Holding people to their past deeds, expecting that they are incapable of change, discourages grace which has the ability to transforms lives. A person in a state of grace can disapprove of people’s conduct, while still holding space for them to do better. Forgiveness manifests grace, which translates to an acceptance and love that can flow to those who need it the most.
An unhealthy ego is the opposite of grace. Ego, edges – grace - out. Self importance, and the need to rise above others, is egoism hampering the flow of resources that are accessible to an open minded and humble person. Egotistical thoughts, obscures our reality. To protect our egos, stories are created that we tell ourselves to justify our actions, which further warps our reality. Discerning the truth of our thoughts, unearthing false beliefs, and exposing our insecurities, is the pathway to grace. This pathway becomes a superhighway when we take responsibility for our conduct and how it impacts everyone.
Loving ourselves for who we are now, encourages grace to rush to our side. With every attempt we make to restore grace, grace responds to us exponentially. When we accept that we have worth and potential despite our flaws, our dependency on the recognition and approval of others decreases. Now, more personal energy can flow towards what we want to create. Grace encourages us to believe in ourselves. Self doubt impedes grace. Without the fear of ‘not being good enough’, we become more present, more conscious. Thinking that clings to the past and future, rob us of grace, for grace is our commitment to love and reality in the present moment. So, by loving ourselves we can let go of other people’s perceptions about our worth. This is when our thoughts become clear, and our heart/mind is uncluttered. This may feel like we are experiencing no thoughts at all, only conscious awareness.
Another aspect that brings grace into our lives is our growing emotional intelligence. Feel and acknowledge all emotions. Challenge the uncomfortable emotions to a test of reality and truth. Fear is an example of an emotion that is not always logical, loving, or based in truth. Emotions are like breadcrumbs leading us to the truth, but only if we are willing to feel those emotions and then confront the reasons for harbouring them. As an example, jealousy is an emotion that is not good or bad to feel. However, experience shows us that behaving in a jealous manner causes harm. Feeling jealous and acting jealous are two very different things. By being aware of our jealous emotion, we can proactively express it in a positive, rather than destructive way. For example, fear may cause us to trash talk people that we are envious of, while grace can transform our jealousy into acknowledgement and support for other people’s talents. Love and acceptance of ourselves allows us to connect with others more easily. Feeling peaceful, during confrontational situations, means we are resting in the state of grace. Grace is loving consciousness in action. Concentrate on extending love in all directions, within and without, and grace will fill our lives.
Namaste,
Chris
As my principal Jim Toews use to say, “There are no problems, only creative opportunities.” Opportunities are often disguised as tough problems. Some problems overwhelm us, and we find it difficult to believe that on the other side of tough, is a silver lining. Belief is critical.
…When we practice being present to each moment, mindful of how we are interacting in life’s journey, winning, and losing will dissolve. The choices we make and how it impacts our experience cannot be defined by winning or losing…
People in our lives whether family or strangers, may consciously or unawares, play difficult and painful roles for our benefit. Through adversity of all sorts, poverty, abandonment, rejection, neglect, domination, degrading, objectifying, or the endless forms of other abuses, these painful experiences set the stage for internal battles that we have for our self-awareness and personal growth. Our children, at times, may appear to sabotage our efforts, our peace of mind, and even the very life we envisioned for ourselves. Nevertheless, how we treat our kids when they disrupt our lives, helps us to learn how to deal skillfully with all saboteurs, those within our family, those outside our family, and those that live in our head. Erroneous beliefs, low self-esteem and a fierce inner critic are some of our internal saboteurs that occupy our minds. Children generally will create stresses that allows parents to become aware of their mind’s pitfalls and traps.
External saboteurs, for example, may include the neglectful grocery clerk, the bigoted car mechanic, the ‘know it all neighbor’, and other adult bullies, are all doing their part for our personal growth. The enemy is not the antagonistic person; they are the opportunity. The battle is not won by putting these people in their place or in winning the argument. These conflicts are about our own awareness, the battle is within to avoid impairing our own self-worth and inner peace. The battle is only with us! Can we notice our ego, can we assess without judgment, and can we respectfully and with kindness seek the solution without having to lay blame or to project our fears and frustrations? Children and others will play roles to challenge our character; to test our insecurities, so that we may overcome our inner saboteurs.
Though we prefer to learn from unconditional love, kindness, and support, let’s not ignore the dark side, where pain catapults us further along our path towards wisdom and happiness. It takes challenging times to create the conditions where our self-respect, self-love, and confidence, are truly forged, tested, and personally recognized. Eventually, our self-worth becomes more indestructible to outside or inside forces. These lessons in life are provided through an endless stream of human interactions, and relationships. Relationships, raw, genuine, and insightful or muted, medicated, and superficial, give birth to our increasing self-awareness. Either way, light or dark, we are going to learn sooner or later. As masters often express, “we often meet our lessons on the road that we take to avoid them.” So next time adversity or a saboteur stares you in the face, just smile and embrace the opportunity, stay open and the lesson will become apparent. We can create a habit of meeting adversity with poise and grace by practicing gratitude. Try showing gratitude for the people in our lives that push our buttons that trigger our fears, which we often display as anger. Instead of seeing them merely as a waste of skin, see them as opportunities for you to behave admirably while under stress.
Our personal cheerleaders, our friends who see only the good in us, are to be cherished as well. Yet, let’s give credit to the many not so supportive ones, who defy our logic and principles, who initially disrupt our peace of mind and who may bring out the worst in us. They offer unique, sometimes distasteful perspectives, negative and disrespectful behaviors, that beg us to practice a loving response. Can we stay peaceful, true to our values, respectful, and supportive while being wronged? When someone is sabotaging can we remain calm? Or do we descend to their level only to become outwardly annoyed and possibly confrontational? Often, we are annoyed because we allowed ourselves to be caught up in someone else’s drama. This annoyance is the mask we wear to hide or divert the anger that we feel for ourselves.
Parents and children who are unhappy with their lives, see little worth or potential in themselves, they often vent their anger in irrational and harmful ways. Rather than blaming children, spouses, or ourselves, we could view all disrespectful actions as cries for help. The more irritating a child’s behaviour, the more they need our help. This help is best when it is loving, affectionate, understanding, and respectful. Gratitude towards the role saboteurs play in challenging and strengthening our character, rather than vilifying them, allows us to respond respectfully and lovingly.
Instructor Chris
So many times in life I was certain my goals were out of reach. Perhaps they were beyond me at that time because I couldn’t see them happening. I didn’t believe in the possibility. I didn’t feel the necessary resources were ever going to come available. I was also spending more time thinking why it wasn’t going to happen, than thinking about how it could.
Children do not want to be obsessed with needing peer approval, but most are. If they understand that rejection is a reality of life, then the illusion of needing the approval of others is easier to debunk. Children certainly cannot make their friends happy or win their admiration and respect all the time. Children navigate socially with greater confidence when they accept this reality.
To feel good. Think good. Choose good. Do good. Repeat! A simple and respected recipe, yet simple is not always easy. After all, if it’s easy, it’s not worth doing. These and other antidotes echo in my mind, as gifts from my parents. Eat only when hungry, never doubt, think positively, follow your heart. Even though simplicity is implied, applying, such treasured guidance usually takes dedicated thought and practice.
When choosing a place for the family to learn and grow, it’s helpful to know the story behind its inception. Although Tao of Peace Martial Arts and Life Skills began in 1992, its true beginnings were born out of dreams and challenges that came long before.
Reactions to an outpouring of anger are many, from attempts at appeasement, to defiantly matching the other persons fury. Both of these strategies usually prolong or escalate the anger that we wish to prevent.
… Acknowledging our fears allows us to identify decisions that are unwise, and to notice choices that come from irrational fears of failure. Luckily, we often get to learn from our poor choices and then chose again with greater wisdom.
The quieter we become the more we can hear. This universal wisdom speaks of our ability to be still long enough so that we can connect with our inner self. Listening to others is wise. Listening within and knowing ourselves is a process of enlightenment. Seldom do people afford the time to check in with themselves.
While it is healthy to acknowledge that we are all needy from time to time, there are times when it feels like our children have created a black hole of excessive neediness, that pulls everyone kicking and screaming into this dark energy sucking vortex.
From enthusiast to fanatic, a fan is a bundle of appreciation and admiration, yet being a fan may not always be healthy.
Being able to observe life from multiple perspectives deepens understanding, increases tolerance, and diminishes biases. Awareness that our knowledge and understanding of life’s complexities is fairly limited, motivates us to seek different points of view.
