Aging, a curse for some, earned wisdom and grace for others. It is interesting to observe elders. Some wear their years with grace and gratitude, while others tend to be grumpy broken windup toys.
Many of us have heard the saying “All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players.” This idea that we are actors in our own story bears considerable truth. Most, if not all of us, have learned to act out various roles within a story that struggles to defines us. We play these different roles with others to secure greater safety, to be noticed, respected, and loved. The playing of numerous roles can be exhausting. The energy it takes trying to fit in with so many of our tribe is a misdirection that takes us further from knowing and developing the person that we wish to be.
What if we had no story, no narrative that defined us, no role that we needed to play to feel accepted? What if all our wrappings in the form of appearance, social status, gender, age, and achievements could not possibly label us, or determine our value? If the story about ‘who we are’ got deleted, how might we portray our role, without a script guiding us? Perhaps we would resolve to being ourselves, regardless of who we are with. By letting go of all stories, reputations, first impressions, we could accept others and ourselves more easily, despite the wrappings. We may even grow to know who are real friends are.
Generally, a story has a beginning, a middle, and an end, with drama tying it all together. Many of us have grown up being influenced by stories that pique our interest by having good guys and bad guys, with the heroes and villains separated by conflict. Seldom do the actors stray from their roles and rarely is there a story that’s not centred around confrontation. It seems natural for us to create a narrative that explains and justifies who we are. Our drama becomes our justification or excuse for the areas in our lives that we are not proud of. Our stories have a job; to make us feel better about how others see us and to establish worth. Such as, I am an intellectual who’s knowledge is valuable to others, I am an athlete who is valued for their strength and abilities, I am always unlucky and yet I continue to survive. Our story and what our tribe values, largely determine the roles we choose to play.
At the cost of personal growth, our character often remains confined to the narrative we have created. To feel accepted we stick to the script of what is expected of us. It may not be a happy story, but it is aligned to what we believe about ourselves. This begs the question if our story is truly our creation alone? Or is the narrative that we cling too, built not only by us, but includes the ideas of others that we have been exposed to? A story about us, that over time, we have been conditioned to believe.
Similarly, a full-grown elephant is conditioned from birth to be confined from roaming by being tethered in place by a rope attached to a ground spike. The baby elephant is initially constrained by its leash, yet each day forward only the memory and subsequent belief in the leash’s power can truly hold a growing elephant. People are also limited by beliefs that once had power over them, yet now, no longer reflect reality. The story that we tell ourselves of who we are generally emphasizes our limitations rather than exploring our potential. Memory and conditioning provide governors and restrictions over our abilities. Of course, these restrictions only work if we believe in them. Some of these self-regulating thoughts are imposed on us to protect us against poor judgement and ignorance. Telling a child that they can’t fly is one thing, constantly commenting on their clumsy and accident-prone nature, creates a story that can become a self-fulling prophecy. People’s imposed stories of our limited abilities are rarely accurate, as they are merely snap shots in time. As an elephant grows, it either overcomes old beliefs, or continues to be restricted by the illusions that it still believes in. So too are we diminished by mental programs or beliefs that we developed as part of our story, or the false notions that have been drummed into us. Either way the narratives that people use to be acceptable and to justify current circumstances are often based on old and erroneous ideas. Thus, the story we tell ourselves about who we are is the trap that holds us back. We may sabotage ourselves based on our past experiences, or by trusting in the labels that others have placed on us.
Stories can be entertaining and informative. Great stories can be transformative unearthing new perspectives which unlock our potential by challenging our belief systems. The stories that we tell ourselves and others, the running narrative that supports our drama, the self-dialogue that is our inner critic, are unnecessary. People play multiple roles to support their story, to prove to their community that they are lovable and capable. Each person’s story does not need to be written from past failures. Additionally, our roles do not need to be determined by what others expect of us. Life will unfold more easily when we are free of belief systems that tether us by our fears. Our past and current state only type casts our role if we believe that we are incapable of learning and changing.
Life is a stage, and we actors upon it, only if we live in a story. Let all stories go, challenge existing thoughts and beliefs that define us. Drop all labels and shed any identity like an old pair of shoes that no longer fit. With no attachment to an identity or story, we are free to be our best in each moment.
Namaste
Instructor Chris
If we are smiling inside, we glow on the outside. If sad on the inside, a cloud shades our normal sunny disposition. We do not need to hide our feelings from others, however if we wish to accentuate the positives, it is important to smile on the outside even when we are troubled on the inside. Our chemical makeup matters. Emotions influence our chemical state, which has a direct impact on our health. It is important to recognize our emotions, learn from them, but then move past feelings that can become toxic over time. Let optimism and hope seep into our hearts and sooth our troubled minds. As the saying goes, ‘as within, so without’, our mental influence flows in both directions. Body language, mood, health, and disease are profoundly impacted by our thoughts. To place a smile on our lips when we are upset, awakens our optimism and hope. To giggle or belly laugh when we are in pain, lessens our suffering.
Restore interrupted joy by not concentrating on our pain. Stubbing our toe results in pain that signals us to avoid doing this again. When someone is yelling at you over the phone, we can politely hang up. We can also hang up on our pain signals. Once we have heard the bodies message that we are causing harm, we’ve got it. There is no need to replay it. Emotional confusion, mental anguish, our inner critic, are all flowing inside, affecting our bodies. Holding on to pain like anger or resentment causes toxicity within, thus anger destroys the vessel that contains it. Projecting or expressing our anger in harmful ways creates even more toxicity, within us and others. The goal is to not ignore pain messages while also learning not to magnify or dwell on our pain.
Learning is not always painful, and it typically is not comfortable either. Pain is inevitable, yet we do not have to suffer by languishing in our destress. Replaying our failures while degrading oneself for past choices, does not address the issue. It is self-imposed punishment. Learning can be accomplished by facing our pain and then letting it go. Seek the answers to issues with peace, acceptance, and forgiveness inside. If our peace is crumbling within, flow gratitude, confidence, and happiness on the outside. Is this a distraction or a re-set button? Does it re- focus us away from our pain? Can we then explore the root cause of our suffering? Either way, summoning up a more positive disposition creates an advantage of optimism and hope. If we are emotionally wrapped up in fear, or anger, then our rational mind is impaired. Our ability to bring to the table valuable resources to deal with the issue is diminished, as the mind is not open, and our thoughts are dominated by fear. The angry mind is like a flower that has closed its pedals to protect itself from the outside elements. Once we acknowledge our fear and anger, we can open our minds to focus on solutions, understanding, compassion and connection.
When scared on the inside, smiling on the outside can free the mind, allowing it to progress forward. Einstein, shared with us that in order to solve a problem we need to utilize a different mind than the one that caused that problem in the first place. Problems can be made up of external adversities like a flood, or tornado. Our day-to-day problems are more typically a result of our choices and their resulting consequences. Effects of poor choices can cause just pain, or we can include learning opportunities. Sometimes our choices result in wonderful outcomes, and we fear we are a fraud, that we will not be able to live up to our success. Even great choices can result in mental strife. Addressing the core issue leads us to greater awareness which promotes wiser choices. Therefore, when we are struggling on the inside it is important to assist our minds and our internal chemistry to aid us in rising above being stuck. Regardless, if it is physical pain or the result of mental anxiety, break the cycle of rehashing it. When distress hits, force a grin, not to fool others, but to remind yourself to be optimistic, to be hopeful, it’s a learning process.
Namaste Instructor Chris
Imagine we are a flag, and the wind is our life’s experiences. When life is calm, we reflect stillness, we are relaxed, collected, centered, and feeling in control of ourselves. When life is hectic, we are flapping in reaction to life’s windstorm of arduous challenges. Unsettled, stressed, blown about, and feeling out of control as the wind tests and defies our inner peace. The constant stress of life’s turmoil, tears at the very fabric of our mind, disturbing our confidence and creating anxiety, doubt, and fear. As the wind of life’s experiences slows to a gentle breeze, our anxiety often remains, vibrating just under the surface, as we worry about the next storm.
Being unflappable is nothing to do with controlling the wind or being indifferent to life experiences. In our lives we have influence, attraction, perspective, and choice, but very little control. What we do have is our abundant ability to respond to life experiences with logic and love. It involves being aware of our thinking, eliminating illogical thoughts while questioning if our thoughts are more centered on love or fear. Next is our mindfulness to evaluate if our inner voice and communication with others is kind and truthful. Finally, we can assess our behaviour and its resulting consequences to determine if our actions are in alignment with our values. Our path to serenity is geared around awareness of how we behave towards our selves and others. It doesn’t take a lot of time, yet it requires a desire to be thoughtful, considerate, and the willingness to evaluate personal experiences by looking at our selves first. Taking responsibility for our behaviour is a must, without giving others the power to make us feel or act in ways that are not who we wish to be. Allotting people, the capacity to control us is an excuse, illogical, and leaves us helpless to change. Happiness dictates us owning our thoughts, feelings, and choices.
Thus, being unflappable, dependable, consistently good natured, steady and at peace, is an inside job and within our control. Therefore, although we have little control over how life unfolds, we do have control over how we chose to perceive and respond to life. It begins with honesty in our thoughts, words, and actions. When the wind blows adversity our way, we can take it personally, like the world is against us. But that thought is illogical, a lie that we accept to provide excuses for our circumstances. Challenging the truth of thoughts like; there are lucky people and unlucky people, graced individuals who live a charmed life and those who are condemned to struggle, is a necessary mental exercise in cultivating our logical heart and mind. Thoughts that abdicate our responsibility to others gives us permission to quit, to fail without learning, but they are a trap that limits our growth. By challenging our old beliefs or persistent thoughts, we put the lies that limit us to rest. Another lie is that we are a success, or we are a failure. Failure or success is not an identity, they are not what defines us. Failure and success are our experiences, which usually come in that order. Failing and learning from failure is required for success. That mindset, builds perseverance, determination, resiliency, and a positive unflappable attitude which transforms our blundering into feelings of self-contentment. We can not have one without the other. Failures, setbacks, total reboots are part of the journey that leads to experiencing personal success. Allowing our minds to dwell on being upset, demonizing, or blaming our circumstances, allows the wind to toss us about, distracting us from learning. When we recognize that our mind is focused on passing the buck, complaining, and blaming, then we are on the right track. When we assess our thoughts, tune them to be more logical, more truthful, we will see all adversity as opportunity for learning, which creates that unflappable demeanour.
What is the value of being unflappable? When we are less reactive, calmer, problems are taken in stride while we access more of our potential. The victim mindset is replaced with optimism and creativity. This positive approach allows us to see solutions and resources that frustration and fear had previously blocked. Our vision is open, willing, humble, and ready for the challenges that undoubtedly will come our way. The more we practice this mindset the more organic it becomes, until there is no need to counsel ourselves along this path, as our unflappable nature will automatically rise to meet any adversity.
Namaste
Instructor Chris
Socializing is often dominated with talking with only partial listening. We talk to express our thoughts, to create a connection and to make an impression. We have conversations to gather information, to learn, to introduce an opinion or sway someone towards our point of view. If we are not too preoccupied by our own successes and problems, we can do more than just listen, we can read the other person. Like a good story, many interesting clues lie between the lines. Reading people is a fabulous talent, an art form that can endear us to our friends and family. They feel special in our presence because we really understand them. It is an appreciation for subtle interaction where the communicator is also heard for what they are not saying. Facial expressions, body language, tuning into true intentions, surmising the deeper meaning, requires intent listening, observing, and most of all, caring. Sometimes people’s words are not congruent with what their face is saying, or their gestures are not matching the message. Generally, people don’t wish to offend, are fearful of disapproval from their peers, and generally want to please. This leads to mixed messages where real objectives or preferences are hidden behind communication that is designed to help them avoid judgement and to fit in.
To read another person is to empathize with them emotionally and to discern the truth as best we can. To connect deeply with others requires less talk and more listening, or more precisely, greater mindfulness in our interactions. We do not need to become experts in micro expressions, however, we can increase our awareness to learn more about someone than merely taking their verbal communication at face value. Many of us aspire to be an outstanding friend or parent, who really gets what’s going on, who is approachable, trustworthy, and unconditionally loving. Therefore, when someone is sharing, let’s apply effort into unpacking the whole message. People, it seems, are communicating, even when they are not talking. Having someone who is receptive to us and who listens beyond our words is a huge support. How do we lend that support so that others will trust us, encouraging a more authentic interaction?
When people are feeling emotionally safe, they are more willing to risk, to reveal the layers of complexity that is their story. It takes thoughtfulness on our part to provide others the sense that they can trust us, a compelling message that they are safe in our company. It is the little things that we do and don’t do that encourages people to be themselves, to feel included, accepted and valued. It is wonderful, relaxing, and exciting at the same time when we have that kind of faith in another person. To feel you can be honest, open, and behave in accordance with who you truly are is a gift. Sharing with someone who reads you well, who cares to understand you, not to find fault and judge, but to empathize and connect is an uplifting experience. It is a rare, and unexpected opportunity, that we can strive to provide. However, if the other person has been hurt too many times, they may still choose to be reserved. Be patient, it is a gift that must be unwrapped when and if they are ready.
Besides being mindful, observant, and kind during conversations, the first impression often dictates whether this is to be a normal social exchange or something special. Being relaxed, honest, and concerned in the well-being of others, opens the door to conversations that we will fondly remember. Lighting up, displaying warmth, showing enthusiastic interest from the first moments of an encounter is key. Imagine being greeted by your pet after a long absence. From the tip of their cold nose to the wagging of their tail, a dog oozes delight. Obviously, their listening skills and acceptance are second to none. We immediately sense their happiness, just because we showed up. There is no judgement, no hoop to jump through, no need to impress, to be someone or something else. It is complete joy for our existence, and it feels good. Even when we are down, our pet will be persistently affectionate and undeterred by our negative mood. We are too valuable to be dismissed for being upset or indifferent. We are so important that our aloofness and even our actions of rejection, will not stop the love that they have for us. If we want people to feel safe and loved in our presence, we would do well to learn unconditional love from our four-legged friends. To foster impeccable listening, reading, and connection, here are some basic dos and don’ts.
Dos
· Be honest and open
· Be interested in what drives others and what holds them back
· Accept people for who they are
· Respect everyone, it is not about condoning their beliefs or actions, it is about being kind
· Listen more than you talk
· Be compassionate and practice empathy
· Be calm and loving especially when others are fearful
· Paraphrase often
· Ask lots of questions
Don’t
· Judge
· Don’t confuse your opinion with what’s right for others
· Be overly critical
· Pass on painful emotions to others
· Be content with small talk, risk discussions about important issues
· Jump to conclusions or make decisions on assumptions
· Take comments personally, chances are it is not about you
Namaste
Instructor Chris
Rejection is a powerful force that can cripple authenticity. If we believe demeaning labels that others place on us, we impair our abilities along with our potential contributions. We may become more like those labels due to our mental response of doubting ourselves. On the other hand, praise, and flattery, can feed our egos, inflating our self-worth above others. Believing that we are superior to others is as damaging as believing we are inferior. Being authentic, does not mean we are above listening to helpful opinions and counsel. It means, that we accept that we cannot please everyone. Additionally, we have learned that we do not need other people’s approval to do what we feel is best. Being genuine means we are at peace with who we are, and value that person we are growing into.
Rejection is tough on most of us, it stings knowing that another person doesn’t appreciate who we are. But really, how can they have appreciation or know us, when we barely know ourselves. Individuals who reject others are like most of us, in a state learning, struggling, and bumping along. Therefore, people can be overly critical and fickle for many reasons, most of which, have nothing to do with us. We tend to reject what we do not understand, what we are jealous of, or fearful of. This is standard dysfunctional human protocol, that hopefully all of us with time and experience will grow out of. When we are angry, frustrated, and doubtful about ourselves it is unfortunate that we may displace this pain by striking out at others with our hurtful behaviours. If you take rejection poorly, it might be comforting to know that confident, loving people, rarely reject others. They may reject or criticize another person’s ideas or actions, but not the person. Wise and happy individuals do not lump the two together. Secure personalities, who are logical and compassionate, have no desire to hurt people, despite any differences. Therefore, rejections designed as personal attacks, come from people who are themselves hurting inside with their own overwhelming insecurities. In retrospect, this is not the crowd to take seriously.
Rather than taking their projected pain personally, we can filter it out. Growing a thick skin can result from implementing an attitude of not caring about the mud slingers. However, this solution protects our hearts by surrounding it with callouses. The price we pay for this strategy is becoming less compassionate. Alternatively, emotional resiliency, being rejection proof, results from caring deeply, as we realize that their harmful intentions is their issue, not ours. Caring for all individuals while refusing to own their problems, or accept their rejections is a strategy that can benefit both parties.
Part of embracing authenticity is training our minds and hearts to not require the good opinion of others. Appreciating, but not needing the approval of others allows us to be consistently ourselves. Otherwise, we adapt to playing roles that we think will be accepted and respected by others. Playing the part that fits with other people’s favour, takes us further away from knowing and being our authentic self.
Taking full responsibility for our actions, for how we choose to express ourselves, is the price we pay for personal freedom. Freedom is the prize for having the courage to be true to your nature, beliefs, and values. Personal freedom is being free from constant self-doubts, worry and anxiety. It is an inner peace that is felt strongly when our behaviours are in harmony with our beliefs. Integrity and transparency are the consistent attributes of one’s character when we are truly ourselves regardless of prevailing circumstances. It is easy to be ourselves in favourable environments, with a supporting community. It is more challenging to be genuine under stress, when you have something to lose, when an overwhelming negative response is likely. The test of our character is, are we going to be the same person despite the changing winds of favouritism or rejection. We all will have the opportunity to face being true to our authenticity. This demands a high level of integrity where we value our word and actions above popularity and chose to apply it under stress.
Rejection then is a gift for us to assess our integrity, to live genuinely under any conditions. Without the rejection, exclusion, and degradation from others, we cannot truly build authentic character that will be stable and true to itself in both beneficial and hostile situations. Authenticity demands integrity, integrity produces freedom.
Namaste
Instructor Chris
To help your child become an excellent listener, have an authentic curiosity about them, their friends, their music, their current interests. Once you have gotten the goods on the more superficial aspects of your child’s life, its time to tackle the real stuff. Ask them their opinion on social issues, query into their biggest fears and their most outlandish dreams. Why? Because, to get kids to listen we must first show them why listening is valuable. Listening bridges gaps, creates connection, develops trust, and heals broken bonds. The more we listen to them, the more our children will value giving us their complete presence. Children appreciate when someone is paying attention and spending time towards understand them. Being listened too is synonymous with being told you are worthy. Kids feel they must be important or have value if someone is willing to listen to them. Listening to our kids builds their self-esteem, confidence, and their ability to be articulate, while providing that essential connection to those they love.
When the child values listening, they will more readily pick up on the skills that make listening so powerful. Parents who want their children to become authentic listeners, only have to role model the principles of paying attention, of caring enough to hear their feelings and beliefs. Listening is not always an equal conversation, it requires an open mind and withholding all judgements, opinions, and criticisms. There will be time for guidance, reality checks, and challenging their facts and logic. Yet, jumping in to weigh in on their thoughts too soon, negates the process and benefits of being a great listener. Parents do not need to agree with their child, comprehend their logic, or control the agenda to be a great listener. How often as adults do we spew words and vent feelings in attempts to verbally think our way through a dilemma? Do we mean everything that we say, or is there a tendency to diminish or exaggerate the narrative to minimizes our pain? Often children only get to vent their frustrations or verbalize their fears to other friends. When they try to have those heart-to-heart talks with parents, their feelings and frustrations are met with corrections, judgements, and advice designed to fix the situation. When this happens, when listening is replaced with parents controlling the dialogue, children stop sharing. They stop talking to their parents about their life, because we only listen until we are uncomfortable and then we attempt to rescue. If parents want their kids and teenagers to confide in them to trust and feel safe in bearing their souls to us, we must listen completely and wholeheartedly, comfortable or not.
If a child has stopped sharing with us about the important aspects of their life, it is likely that they are also hitting the parent mute button. When we are sharing, instructing, or questioning them, they may tune us out. Why should a child listen when their parents are not capable of reciprocating? They listen when it is self-serving, when it is convenient, and when they are under threat of loosing privileges. Children learn from society to pretend listen, to put up a façade of paying attention, to be visibly polite and respectful. Selective hearing, or hearing what we want to hear, is a common trait that damages relationships at home, school, and at the workplace. Children grow up to fall in love with a partner only to find their relationship struggling because they no longer are relating. Failure to relate is often the inadequacy to listen well, to fail at really hearing the needs of their partner. When love is new, we will listen all night to the one who has captured our heart. As relationships grow, we can take partners and children for granted.
It is rarely too late at any age to repair our relationships with our kids, spouses, and friends. Here are some tips on how to listen well and on how to allow your child to express themselves fully.
Listen with your eyes, ears, and your heart. Face the other person heart to heart, making eye contact, and with the intention of capturing every aspect of their message.
Replace judgements with questions that encourages them to share more. “Thank you, tell me more.”
Acknowledge and identify with their feelings and needs.
Pose questions that seek clarity. Feelings and beliefs are tricky and take time to understand.
Accept their feelings. They are, after all, feelings not facts to be argued with.
Paraphrase the essential message to ensure that you are hearing what they are meaning.
Remember this is not about us, it is about honouring them.
In the process of listening avoid fixing, often the person is not seeking a solution, they are seeking to be heard.
Namaste,
Instructor Chris
Tough decisions are hard enough without adding our emotional turmoil. Often, we face difficult choices in our lives that have equally strong arguments for or against a particular direction. New information may come to light, as previous knowledge changes; thus, a once clear path becomes muddied. Initially, frustration may arise as we wish for a timely resolution so we can move on with our lives. Emotionally, we sometimes fail to grasp that uncertainty is a guaranteed part of life and an important part of our personal development. A cool demeanour, consisting of a relaxed and focused mind, along with an awareness of our desires, and emotions, is highly advantageous for making great decisions. To build inner peace, we must be willing to coach ourselves towards acceptance of uncertainty, to encourage gratitude for how time in decision making provides perspective, practicality, and conscience.
Tough decisions can tax us emotionally and intellectually, especially if we want answers quickly, decisively, and unequivocally in our best interest. It is easy for us to get distracted, lured away from seeking relevant knowledge, being impulsive, or even worse, not keeping in mind the primary reason for the choice at hand. Challenging choices and the uncertainty that tags along, can also be stimulating, and provide the mind-body growth that we need. With all choices, if we seek an honourable approach, discerning truth, and identifying the path of integrity, then our choices will bring us peace. A contented heart/mind is ours when we make conscious loving choices, even though we cannot with accuracy know the results of our actions. Every choice has its ripple effect; however, those consequences are not entirely within our control. Seldom can we control how others will react to the actions we undertake. Therefore, we must take full responsibility for our decisions. Our choices and subsequent actions must not be advocated or attributed to someone else. Otherwise, we make our decisions from the role of a victim, which results in blaming and rationalizing, rather than learning from our decision-making process.
Calm, conscious choices is the objective despite our strong emotional content due to fears and doubts. Parking our mouth and reactive actions until we have sorted through our emotions saves a lot of heart ache. Part of keeping our calm, is seeing choice as a new opportunity. Most negative stresses which affect our composure are self-induced. We inflict fear and doubt into the equation and upon ourselves by believing our happiness hinges on the outcome of our decisions. Happiness is more a product of how we walk our chosen path, and less determined by the path itself. This assumes that our path options are all honourable. Indeed, choices we make in the present affect our future. Again, becoming unhinged with fear of what might transpire, impairs our abilities to make clear and wise choices. Alternatively, we can consult our heart and mind while staying open to all relevant matters when making difficult choices. Therefore, the best we can do is to be at ease while making the decision knowing that it aligns with our values, regardless of the outcome. If we have balanced our needs with the needs of others, if our integrity supports the options that are under consideration, then regardless of our decision, inner peace will be the first of many gifts to follow.
Making informed, intelligent, and loving choices benefits those around us. Practicing an emotional and mental ease during the process of tough decisions is also crucial to our own personal health. Anxiety not only adversely affects our minds, but it eventually is also poison to our bodies. When tackling difficult choices, a state of ease also allows us greater access to the resources that we have at our disposal. Among these resources is a positive and optimistic perspective, as opposed to a fearful and cynical one. Take time to prepare an uncluttered mind that focuses on what we want, rather than concentrating exclusively on what we fear. As the saying goes, “we achieve that which we can conceive.” Create an inner coach who encourages an open heart/mind that can unbiasedly entertain the complexities and possibilities that each choice holds.
Clinging to old limiting notions or beliefs, traps us in our judgements and biases. A rigid black or white perspective corrupts the decision-making process, reducing it merely to a fear-based response. Taking time to question our values to see if they are still loving, logical, and relevant to the current situation is especially important. If we find ourselves alienating friends or family, with our choices, rules, and expectations, it is time to look deeply into the beliefs that we base our choices on. Emotional outbursts, where we have hastily spoken and behaved unwisely, reveals our frustrations, fears, and doubts. Such decisions we live to regret, and rightly so as we cause harm to ourselves and others. If time allows, breathe, let your emotions run their course. Important decisions require mindfulness of our feelings and the feelings of others, rather than a choice that is exclusively directed from our fear-based emotions. Relish the process and time that complicated choices require, speak carefully and thoughtfully, letting the heart and mind, love, and logic blend together as you exercise one of humanities treasured gifts, conscious choice.
Namaste
Instructor Chris
2021 -06-09
Parents wear a lot of hats, always the teacher, often the coach, regularly the therapist and occasionally the medic. Instinctively we move from one role to the next, managing the needs of the family. It is helpful to apply a basic recipe for undertaking any role that we adopt for our children’s benefit. The primary ingredient is to begin any lesson starting with the child’s strengths. Start by noticing the tiniest of successes, which requires us to reflect upon our childhood and the infinite little victories it took us to get to where we are now. Prior to correcting or coaching children, acknowledge their efforts, intentions, and any related successes. Build upon the child’s skills by verbally recognizing their skills with pride, prior to mentioning their deficits. Treat their strengths and weaknesses as equals, both successes and failures provide equal opportunity to learn and grow. By viewing your child’s strengths and weakness as equal, the child understands that they can learn from their failures, they are then more willing to risk trying rather than holding back. This approach removes the ego from successes and adds in the humanity and acceptance to failures. It becomes less personal and more about learning.
Humans are geared to notice what’s missing, to root out the mistakes, to highlight the flaws over the gifts. Most parents can remember teachers who invented their god-like status by never complimenting their students, instead they devoted precious time to letting us know when we messed up. Maybe it was from a sense of love or more likely a lack of self-love on their part, either way the message to the students was the same, observed deficiency and expressed disapproval. The takeaway for many children is that their knowledge or skills were lacking, which without the simultaneous message of love and acceptance, this meant that they themselves were damaged.
Parents can also remember the teacher or coach who acknowledged our worth, who demonstrated with words and actions our value. We understood that despite our flaws we were still important, needed, and loveable. These god-like adults shaped our inner voice into an instrument of abundance over lack about who we were and who we could become. They supported effort over achievement, they endorsed mistakes as part of the learning process. They didn’t sugar coat everything or ignore our weaknesses, they could be honest about our issues, because it wasn’t judgmental, it was unconditional, and based on acceptance and love which is the recipe for healthy parenting.
Coach kids about what they need, the ingredients for being the best version of themselves. Acknowledge the gifts they already possess, no matter how minute. Start with the most basic ingredients, observe their respect, caring, gentleness, thoughtfulness, or patience. If the goal is to coach humility or honesty as a current area for improvement, remember how painstakingly we developed these character traits as a child, and how these qualities are still evolving within us. If possible, note when our child exhibited these traits in the past. Engage them in a discussion by asking questions that reveal the merits of such characteristics. Share how these traits bring immense value to friendships and to our own self-esteem. Assist in eliminating your child’s doubts about themselves by demonstrating our trust in their greatness.
Parents impart life lessons to their children regardless of how we do it, whether we build them up or tear them down. We want our kids to learn lessons that free them from self-imposed limitations, lessons the unleash their potential for learning and loving. Ultimately, it is a process of building up, not tearing down. The reinforcement must be valid, an authentic observation, or we lose credibility, as they lose trust in us. We have discussed the value in building from their strengths, while creating an emotionally safe place for them when teaching life’s lessons. Lessons that are degrading, blaming, and humiliating create walls of shame and resentment. The child will focus on protecting their self-image, rather than being open to the lesson. Parents who become priceless mentors, avoid preaching, they facilitate the child’s understanding, motivation, and competence of life lessons through modelling, acceptance, sharing, and love.
Namaste
Instructor Chris
Whether it is an emotional outpouring, an anxiety attack, acting out, or perhaps our kids’ latest attempts at parent manipulation, child stress quickly becomes adult stress. Regardless of the reasons for their pain, for those who love them, it can be equally distressing. Their discomfort and confusion, like an airborne virus, quickly infects the whole family, including pets, siblings, and parents. Parental responses range from, “go to your room”, social distancing, to inoculations of chocolate to ease our pain. Another common reaction resulting from child outbursts includes yelling! Telling our kids how to feel, think and act, in our own version of an outburst, where our volume and intensity overpowers theirs. If we really dislike confrontational situations with our kids, parents may resort to proactive bribing or threatening children to squash potential outbreaks and restore tranquility. When our kid’s have a meltdown, experience an episode, become unmanageable, and unreasonable, why does their behaviour destroy our Zen like state? Why do we get afflicted with frustrations, anxiety, and anger of our own? Is sympathetic pain necessary, do we need to suffer before we can come to our child’s aid?
Of course not! We are more effective parents when we stay calm, remain mentally and emotionally intact and available, thus we are able to give the best version of ourselves when managing children’s calamities. If the child’s crisis becomes our crisis, where will the leadership and guidance come from? We need to care and support while separating from their pain. Unless we are a sociopath, parents are conditioned to sympathize and empathize with others, especially our children. Parents are emotionally invested and deeply attached to our kids; therefore, it seems counter-intuitive to be simultaneously attached and detached from them. However, we are more loving and compassionate when connected to them yet detached from their current distress. Healthy detachment means being unaffected by the child’s drama, so that we can remain competent, caring, and committed to their well-being. Being able to be attached to our child, connected and open, and detached to their behaviour, observant, calm, non-judgemental, is the distinction. Ironically, our kids’ meltdowns facilitate parents’ emotional development, maturity, and inner peace.
Creating closeness with the child is vital to assisting them to self regulate, to understand, see new perspectives, and to let go of their need to manage people and situations that are beyond their control. If we are too attached to clearing our children’s discomfort, to fixing their dysfunction immediately, we sabotage the process. It is the process of going through the pain and confusion that allows kids to figure out their own thinking, to identify fears and reasons for their anxiety, that forms the lesson that leads to their growth and maturity. When we protect them from expressing their feelings by trying to mute them, telling them “Everything is going to be ok, don’t cry, don’t be ridiculous, you have no reason to be upset”, these are the parents attempts to fix the child, to shut down the process. In part, this is so that the parents, don’t have to experience the discomfort as well. A child’s fear and subsequent meltdown is directing them towards a life lesson that must be faced by them, hopefully with your guidance.
Sometimes the heightened commotion that kids create around their fears, is a way to avoid facing the problem. Parents will get caught up in addressing the drama and miss aiding the child in identifying the issue. All the fuss can be an attempt to dodge discussing and learning about their fear, to dispense with their responsibilities and to project blame. Sometimes it is just an emotional reaction to the stress and once they are able to express their feelings, the child is more willing to deal with the issue. Either way, parents are wise to encourage the child to get their emotions out in the open. The objective is to promote this purging of intense feelings to be done in respectful and non harmful methods. Punching a pillow is preferable to punching little sister. Don’t expect perfection, just keep coaching step by step more positive methods of interacting. Parents must remain cool and detached while still showing support, acceptance, and love to their child for the lesson to be uncovered. It is truly difficult for children to calm down enough to address their issue when the parent is equally agitated and upset with the child personally. Their priority is whether they are loved, therefore if our actions put that priority in question, then being able to focus on the issue at hand, is difficult to say the least. The child’s mind is whirling on the relationship we have together. The unconditional love between us and our child must not be in question if we are to move forward toward understanding, awareness, and solutions.
Be detached from the child’s stress and chaos, but not detached from the child. Distinguish between the child and their behaviour. We can always love and accept the child without condoning the child’s actions. Parents can coach themselves to not get swallowed up in their child’s pain, while still being able to identify with the child’s feelings and needs. We can understand that empathizing with their feelings and needs does not mean that we can fix them, or always provide for those needs. Acknowledging and sympathizing with a child’s feelings creates connection and provides emotional safety for them to be able to express themselves without judgement. Being respectful, kind, and loving usually takes care of the most important needs. Listening, paraphrasing, probing questions for clarity, plenty of hugs and eye contact, reassurances of acceptance and love, are all aspects of meeting the child’s needs. When you feel it is helpful for their self awareness, respectfully challenge their thinking or assumptions that are not in keeping with reality. For example, when your child says, “Nobody likes me.” when clearly, they have many friends, signals a good time to ask them if what they are feeling is based in truth or in fear. Truth is our best observation of reality, while fear is an emotional response and often a distortion of reality.
It is difficult for parents to be a loving mentor when stressed out and thus distracted from the child’s needs. Breathe, slow down, pause and allow our calm, to wash over our kids, to develop a collective calm. A consistent steadfast unflappable manner will not be mistaken for a lack of caring. Contrary, it allows the child to understand their fears rather than justify their fears from our judgements. Our calm allows for them to untether themselves from the drama, to stop defending their fears and to start relating to the opportunities and solutions that their struggles provide.
Parents who are detached from their child’s drama do not need to be void of emotions; we can cry and laugh and be vulnerable with our kids. What we do not want, is being reactive to them, acting angry, being distant and judgemental while jumping to a consequence or solution that does not include the child’s emotional and intellectual involvement. Rather than fix the situation, facilitate your child’s understanding of their emotions and their thought processes. Parents do not need to know all the answers, we can’t really, it is so unique to each child. All we need to do is to support the process of learning and taking responsibility by asking questions. Consequences are also important for inappropriate behaviour that is being repeated. Initially the discussions, the learning that includes taking responsibility and making amends is the only action required. Repeat offenses need consequences, as parents provide timely karma that inspires appropriate behaviour when the lesson hasn’t taken hold. As long as parents can discipline while not withholding their love, the lessons usually take root.
The questions we ask post meltdown do not even need answers. Open questions cause reflection, metacognition, thinking about our thinking. The child can begin to assess their perspective and the appropriateness of their behaviours. There are no right answers, just a spectrum of possibilities. It is not a quick fix, but a practice of thoughtfulness and taking responsibility for one’s emotions and actions that we wish to impart on our children.
Here are some examples of supportive and nonsuppurative questions and comments:
Supportive (Love Based)
How are you feeling buddy? Thanks – Tell me more.
(Paraphrase and empathize or “Me too” their response)
You’re feeling embarrassed, “me too, I have felt embarrassed as well.”
Do you have ideas about what triggered your feelings?
What do you need?
Are you focussing on what you want, or on what you fear?
Judgemental (Fear Based)
What the hell were you thinking?
I ‘ll give you something to cry about.
You are being a cry baby.
Wait till your father gets home.
What you need is a kick in the butt.
As we grow our kids grow.
Instructor Chris
Can we embrace a new normal, while realizing that the world has been forever reshaped? The last 17 months have altered our perspectives, added to our knowledge, and changed our realities. Possibly our priorities have shifted, along with associated challenges and opportunities. Moving forward by forgetting the recent past and getting back to normalcy may seem a healthy practice. It may appear productive to just pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and move on as if the pandemic never happened. However, taking a transitionary step, that allows individuals and families to reflect on the global and personal impacts, may prove advantageous. There is improved awareness in discussions around insights gained, the positive changes forged, along with our fears, real or imagined, that may result in behaviours that hold us back.
Taking time to consciously debrief with friends and family, allowing and encouraging conversations on how the pandemic has changed us, is a wise progression. A helpful analogy is the elite sport team watching post game footage of their strengths and weaknesses, thus formulating future strategies, that results in new confidence, growth, and awareness. This examination process does not have to be daunting. Start by choosing to have more meaningful conversations, big talks, over small talks with friends and family. Small talk is pleasant, innocuous, and helpful in building trust and creating common ground. It is interesting to observe if small talk is our usual default mode - low risk, minimal connection. Possibly, the only time we engage in more significant conversations is when we are either overjoyed or negatively overwhelmed. For many of us, the latter is probably more typical. The result is often an emotional outburst, like opening up a shaken can of pop. Our friendships and self-expressions are healthier when we refrain from bottling up the important stuff, like whether we are happy, have purpose, or what our fears and passions consist of. If the majority of our communication is superficial small talk, that avoids controversial, personal, or profound issues, it fails to truly connect us to others, or to challenge and expand our thoughts and feelings. Small talk has minimum social risk with minimum rewards, whereas a deeper conversation has higher social risks and thus greater rewards. The risks are usually associated with rejection or criticism, facing a personal flaw or painful memory. Regardless of the risk, facing it and engaging in more meaningful conversations translates into emotional freedom and improved relationships.
I find three basics are helpful in creating meaningful dialogue:
First, be genuinely interested in the other person by asking these types of questions: How are you doing - really? Are you happy? What do you love?
Second, be real with them. Being confident and vulnerable enough to risk their rejection by expressing authentic feelings, fears and hopes.
Third, be aware of your timing and wait for it… their permission is important. Not everyone is comfortable or has the time to engage in vulnerable and significant discussion. There is always a place for respectful small talk.
Small talks, superficial talks are common; big talks, heartfelt talks are rare. People tend to avoid risks, seeking comfortable exchanges that are easier and safer. On the rare occasion when we have a real conversation, often we notice our courage is rewarded with a release of anxiety. There is a softening of our fears, along with a clearer awareness of how to proceed. Balancing small talk with big talks creates rewards that outweigh the risks. The question is, are you going to take the initiative and ask meaningful questions?
Namaste,
Instructor Chris
Resiliency against dis-ease, frustration, and self doubt is attainable and teachable. Similar to building our immune system by introducing a microcosm of a disease into our system, we can learn to ward off, or vaccinate ourselves against mental dread and unwanted emotional suffering with gradual doses of reality. It is our resistance to reality that produces uneasiness, frustration, and self doubt.
As adults we may feel anguish and mental turmoil when things don’t go as planned, and life gets bumpy. It is our resistance to the reality that life is typically under construction; that things break, jobs and incomes can be unreliable, promises can be broken, and relationships are a lot of work, that feeds our dis-ease. By checking in with reality and embracing the truth of life, we become less attached to wishing that our lives were problem free. By accepting reality our resistant emotions do not become distractions to us moving forward. When we allow heavy emotions like anger, shame, or guilt to spin our thoughts, we get stuck in fear, and fail to grasp the lessons that help us grow from the insights that are born from difficult challenges.
There are no bad emotions, whether heavy or light, all feelings have something of value to offer us. However, allowing difficult emotions to dominate our thoughts, is the trap of fear. Fearful emotions can be a source of information for us, rather than a source of torment. The mind often swirls around resistances that we put up against the realities that we all must face. Accepting the truth that life can be both wonderful and grim, smooth, and terrifying, is the dose of reality that regardless of age, we must confront. Children who are attached to the expectation that life should be easy, are in a constant state of disappointment. Their heartache is self-induced, their frustration is a product of either not understanding reality or being in denial of it.
Which wheelchair bound person is free? The one who is looking at how to live a full and adventurous life in a wheelchair, or the individual who focuses on anger to distract them from a reality they don’t want to accept.
Kids like adults need reality checks on both ends of the spectrum of life. Life can be a fabulous adventure and life can be a struggle. Life is seldom fair, and great experiences or achievements rarely come easily. Children often hear parental antidotes when they have messed up, when they are swirling in an emotion of frustration or self doubt. Providing reality checks when done with compassion, empathy and with constructive guidance towards a healthy alternative, is the love and candor that changes lives for the better.
Parents do not need to wait till their child is in a crisis to assist them in embracing reality. Ask them when times are good about when life was particularly unfair? Ask them when they have struggled hard, and what lessons they acquired, what new skills or insights did they eventually learn? The more they can reflect on their triumphs, and wisdom gained because of adversity, the more resilient they become to feeling like a victim. Children are less likely to stay immersed in self-pity or embroiled in their fears when encouraged to give their thoughts and associated feelings a reality check. By facing reality, by asking those tough questions about how we choose to perceive life, we make an alliance with truth. Children, with the help of parents can be inspired to see problems as creative opportunities, to value the adventure and uncertainty of life. Then they will begin to realize that resisting reality is the cause of their suffering, not the reality itself.
Here are some suggestions to implement this process of resiliency into one’s life:
When you first notice heavy emotions like anxiety, overwhelm, and anger, direct your attention inward and ask yourself these types of questions.
Am I resisting reality through denial, irrational justifications, blaming, or medicating to avoid my emotions?
Am I using love and logic to thrive during difficult times?
The love part requires focusing on being respectful and kind, especially when we don’t feel that way. The logic aspect seeks unbiased information and clarity around possible choices. Logic is not void of emotion; however it is a choice that is based in reality and not poisoned with our delusions or our fears.
Namaste,
Instructor Chris
When our integrity is strong, we are happier. If our internal values are consistently expressed in what we say and do, then we have self trust and the earned trust from others. The others include family, friends, business partners, strangers, and our reputation. As parents we can encourage our children to value integrity, by setting a high standard of ethical behaviour for them to aspire towards. An example of this is when children tell, so called, “harmless” lies to better meet their wants. They may lie to their friend to avoid going to their party because they would rather attend a different event. Or our teenager lies to their boss about being ill when they want a day off. These breaches of honesty may appear harmless, yet they are dishonest, habit-forming ways to excuse putting our needs above the needs of others, despite the responsibilities that we agreed to. The bar for integrity has been lowered, accepted, and our kids will likely justify future ethical transgressions. Parents can challenge their children’s thinking, which rationalizes dishonesty for personal gain. This can be done by asking your children questions, by reversing roles, by following the breadcrumbs of what goes around comes around. By not judging our child, rather accepting and loving them, we can still confront dishonesty. Together, parent and child can explore options that build integrity.
Personal integrity gains confidence with every choice that supports the well-being of the many, rather than a select few. It is difficult to be happy when we don’t trust ourselves, and when we realize that others don’t trust us either. Happiness is more about choice than circumstance. People, despite their current adversities, can cultivate a positive, adapting attitude, thus choosing to feel content before all the stars align, or their ship comes in. Joy is grown from the inside. Lasting happiness is not derived from outside stuff. The car, the job, the status, are illusions of happiness that constantly need updates. Those updates require a better car, a higher paying job, or a bigger house. Acquisitions are not wrong, or unhealthy, however, when we rely on them to produce happiness, they become distractions. Even when surrounded by nice distractions we can be disappointed, disillusioned, sad, and lost. Sustainable happiness comes from within, self knowledge, the internal awareness of our daily actions that show we can be trusted, and that we can love who we are, and who we wish to become.
Ethics, our guiding principles, are an essential part of our integrity. We suffer when we stray from ethical behaviour, our integrity is diminished by leading a life that is not aligned with our beliefs. The reason for our suffering is natures feedback loop, or natural consequences. If we are paying attention, feedback is provided in the form of outcomes for every action we take. Feedback shows up internally as feelings of contentment, pride, and joy, or of anxiety, gilt, and shame. Externally feedback shows up as karma, the consequences determined by our behaviour. When feedback is swift it helps us to keep in touch with the reality we are creating. Quick feedback helps us to connect the dots, realizing the fruits or lack there of, of our choices. Feedback is not always timely, it can lag far behind our actions, leaving us unaware that the consequences we face, are of our own making. An example of lagging feedback is when we consume too much of the wrong things, negatively impacting our health down the road. Whether that be an excess of T.V. alcohol, or junk food, the effects are often delayed for some time. Concerning relationships, if we are unwilling to trust others, to share and be vulnerable, the feedback from our friends may be withheld, or given indirectly. Thus, we may fail to notice the signs until we feel excluded from the meaningful friendships that we desire.
Typically, feedback mirrors our behaviour back to us in kind. Thus, good deeds and hard work yield positive outcomes, while selfishness and a poor work ethic produces little value. Lacking integrity, we doubt ourselves internally, second guessing our worth or our ability to live up to our own expectations. Essentially, we keep letting ourselves down, which promotes a negative internal feedback loop. External feedback comes not from our assessment, but from the judgements of others. From family to strangers, the reactions that we receive as a result of our behaviours determines our self-worth. A child or an adult who persistently sees themselves as weak ethically, continually choosing the easy, over the right path, are conditioned by their own thoughts to justify poor integrity. Thus, the feedback loop can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Alternatively, if we feel capable of being ethical and living with integrity, we are more likely to do so.
Character development that has lasting value, takes time, effort, and a resounding dedication. Education, financial wealth, vital health, and satisfying relationships, all begin with applying one’s principles. Think of principles that you admire, identify an ethical code, and adopt it. The following are samples of statements that could be part of an ethical code:
· Be unconditionally loving.
· Give a little more than you receive.
· Let truth and wisdom be our guide.
· Treat everyone with respect - those that are deserving, and equally those who are not.
Creating one’s own code is a process of tremendous value. Applying our code and practicing those principles until they become second nature, builds a consistent integrity that impacts our happiness. Whether it is about being prompt, or honest, selfless, or compassionate, take time each day to grow integrity, to develop character and to lead an ethical life.
We come into the world possessing nothing material wise, we leave in the same way. Our happiness is fleeting if based on material possessions, status, or power. Real joy or happiness is difficult to lose when our most valued possession is our integrity. The gift of integrity is bestowed upon us by us. We unpack this gift by being self-aware and by honestly loving others as much as we love ourselves.
My first memory of integrity was when I was at a grocery store with my dad. He was an engineer who loved to solve problems and he was extremely comfortable with math and computations. This was the era before computers, and my dad made it a habit to add up all the items including the tax before going through the check out. He routinely knew to the penny how much his purchases would cost. That day we had a fairly large list and I watched as the grocery clerk methodically tallied each item. Before bagging, she declared our balance, saying that will be $ 77.07. My dad smiled and softly said, there has been a mistake on the amount. Before he could go further, the clerk, obviously annoyed, declared loudly that she didn’t make mistakes. I thought my dad might back down, or get angry himself, however, he leaned in slightly and said, “I think you misunderstand me; the mistake is not in over charging me, rather I believe that you have under charged me by $20.” Perhaps one of the bigger items was missed as he pointed to a boxed vaporiser. Taken aback the clerk checked her printout of items to discover that my dad was correct. Quietly she learned forward and whispered, “thank you so much, that could of cost me half my days pay or even my job.”
Rather than capitalizing on her mistake and justifying it due to her defensiveness and abrupt remarks, my dad chose to be honest and kind. It was a huge learning experience for me. I further learned from my dad’s treatment of others, that integrity is not something you do just when it is convenient, it is a code that he lived by. Everyone deserves happiness, it is a perspective. The perspective is self love, which feels real when we are at peace with our choices.
Instructor Chris / Tao of Peace
‘We are never truly alone’! This statements like other absolute statements are designed to grab our attention, to be strikingly pungent, yet their truth is debatable. Another absolute statement is that ‘history repeat itself’. Yes, generally that seems true. The statement is helpful, we can certainly learn a lot from our own personal history and of course human history provides insights as well as perspective. However, with awareness we certainly can avoid making the same poor choices and break negative cycles of limiting behaviour.
When facing obstacles, togetherness is preferable, but if we find ourselves alone, it is good to know that we are probably not confronting something that others have not dealt with historically. Our current challenges are likely ones that history has repeated. Those adversities drove us collectively to develop skills and wisdom for future survival. Just knowing that our ancestors were able to adapt and grow through devastating events provides hope. A review of our personal history indicates our ability to deal with heartache, misfortune, and a range of hardships, which provided the opportunity to develop significant inner strength.
History does not need to be tragic to be helpful. Our innovations, progressive choices and new awareness’s also inspire us to keep moving forward and upward despite the roadblocks that we often encounter. The old saying, “that life is always under construction” is another absolute that typifies more our human experience. Another absolute is that “anything worth learning or acquiring is not going to be easy”, is classically our reality as well.
Keeping this in mind, let us look at some Canadian history that evokes inspiration, hope, and understanding that we are not alone in our challenges.
A group of nurses in High River, Alberta, wearing face masks to not catch Spanish Flue, October 1919.
Influenza Outbreak - 1918
“Influenza, also known as Spanish flu, was carried by soldiers from overseas after World War One. This flu was a contagious respiratory disease, victims of this virus often also got pneumonia. Fifty thousand Canadians died during the epidemic, that's ten thousand less than the number of Canadian deaths in World War One. This is a significant event in Canadian history for many reasons. The virus led to the establishment of the Federal Department of Health in 1919. They took control of national concerns such as border quarantines, it was much more organized. The department started co-operating with provincial and federal governments to collect statistics such as birth rates and death rates. This signaled that Canadians were becoming more aware of public health concerns.”
Dr. Charles Best and Dr. Williams conducting an experiment at University of Toronto. (Photo from Bliss, 2015)
Discovery of Insulin - 1921
“In the spring of 1922, medical student, Charles Best and Dr. Frederick Banting of University of Toronto announced the discovery of insulin. Insulin would be the cure to preventing diabetes and controlling normal metabolism They received the Nobel Prize for one of the most important discoveries in modern medical history (Bliss, 2015).”
These are a few historical events that Canadians have suffered and celebrated that impact our resiliency and adaptability. Consider our ancestors’ durability and creativity as well as our own history of innovation or simply bouncing back from adversity, we realize that seldom are we truly alone.
Loving behaviours are generally respectful, kind, and supportive. They are behaviours that create the greatest good for the greatest number of people. Loving behaviours develop trust, encourage openness, foster mutual benefit, and heal emotional wounds. Ideally, loving behaviours are given with no need for recognition or for personal gain. These conscious choices grow our potential, to bring about the best version of ourselves. It is a loving behaviour when we are present to the moment, aware of our thoughts and emotions, while not making decisions based on our fears. Thoughts become our words or self talk, which become our actions, which crystallize into mindful behaviours. The gift is to grasp the impacts our behaviours have on our lives. To keep building our awareness and gratitude for the fact that we are responsible for shaping our realities through being cognisant of our thoughts, words, and deeds.
Limiting behaviours, on the other hand, often become habitual choices that keep us stuck, that prevent us from reaching our goals, that ultimately sabotage our peace and happiness. Limiting thoughts produce negative inner dialogue, which translates directly to actions or inaction that reflect fears. We may fear our rising potential, lest we be held to a higher standard, or judged harshly if we can not live up to it consistently. Thus, we may unconsciously cling to our old routines. Fear of failure and ridicule may keep us addicted to living below our capacity. So, we advocate our responsibility, blame poor circumstances and others for outcomes we don’t want. Limiting behaviours typically are on automatic pilot, habitually under performing, disrupting our goals and misaligning our values. It is what we expect, what we have grown accustomed to, the easy path wins again at our expense. Fearing change we seek distractions that help us to avoid the truth that these comfy choices are leading slowly but surely to the demise of our self-worth. Again, it begins with thoughts, words, and deeds. Loving deeds risk effort, sacrifice, and rejection. Loving deeds also define us, build healthy relationships, and provide life meaning and purpose. In order to be more capable of loving behaviours we must replace limiting ones.
To replace limiting behaviours it is vital to understand how they are built and what sustains them. Our most persistent choices develop into behaviours which create mental and emotional pathways, neuro networks that are either strengthened or weakened, based on use. The more we behave in a certain way, the stronger that behaviour becomes. Questioning the rational behind how we behave, is a grand step towards self-awareness. Knowing our intentions, what motivates us, and the values that we wish to extend to the world, keeps us mindful of our loving or limiting actions. If we assess that our intentions are not honourable, respectful, or loving, we can choose the opposite course. Choosing alternatives due to our increased awareness, weakens the behaviours we wish to eliminate, while strengthening our contribution to others and ourselves.
Neurologically, taking on new behaviours often feels like bushwhacking through a dense jungle. Eventually with repetition, the paths we chose becomes more worn, until with consistent practice it evolves into a superhighway. Traveling well used highways requires less effort, and its familiarity gives us relief. Thus, new pathways when persistently practiced, transform from donkey trails to super freeways. Learning to perform a parallel stop on skis, is an example of this transition. At first it is a little scary and requires your full attention, the neuron pathways are new, and not well traveled. After much practice, through failed and successful attempts, those neuron pathways become smoother, faster and require hardly any mental effort. It has developed into a dependable skill. Telling the truth is another example, where the more we focus on being honest, the easier and more effortless this behaviour becomes.
Limiting behaviours are built on erroneous thinking, bogus assumptions, negative conditioning, and low self-esteem. They are sustained due to lack of awareness and inaction to challenge our false beliefs. Limiting behaviours survive because we allow them to. We make excuses that this is not the time to change, or we falsely accept our inability to adjust. We lie to ourselves, telling stories to accommodate the excuses that support the limiting habits that are stopping us from getting what we want. There comes a time, in our lives, when all our excuses run out. When we are unwilling to continue this limiting path, no matter how well traveled, no matter how accustomed we are, we can not accept these behaviours any longer. That time typically occurs when the pain of our poor choices is more painful than the fear we have of changing. Examples of limiting paths or dysfunctional behaviours are endless. Eating when we are not hungry, being impatient, being over-reactive, putting our needs ahead of the needs of others. Poor self care, fear of failure, and degrading self talk, are just a few. The list is endless, as is the list of behaviours that contribute to our well-being and the greater good of others. Like, kindness, compassion, growing competencies, acquiring knowledge, and gravitating towards reality, even when illusion is more convenient or comforting.
Habitual behaviours like overeating or overreacting are challenging to change as they have become superhighways, completely familiar, well entrenched routines that seem effortless, like a well practiced ski stop. At one time the overeating made us feel better, so we made that action a regular practice, until it became habitually an unconscious response to stress. Chronic overeating may still give us pleasure, a distraction from our pain, yet it comes with a price tag that taxes our health, emotions, and relationships.
Limiting behaviours cause feelings of being out of control, guilt and shame over a path which is luring us away from our goals. The distraction has become a dysfunction, it goes fast, but in the wrong direction. We may wrongly accept this path as genetically determined, or our fate. The guilt comes from us knowing deep inside that this notion is simply not true. We start realizing that ‘we get what we allow’. Permitting unhealthy or hurtful choices is the habit we no longer can afford. The truth is that we all have issues and behaviours that are not loving, logical or sustainable. Most of us are at various stages of transforming issues that no longer benefit us, our family, or our community. Most of us have issues, regardless of our age, that have become chronic limiting behaviours that run silently in the background, like a virus hacking our progress, and our dreams. So, how do we replace limiting with loving?
To stop limiting behaviours we must acknowledge the pain it is causing us and change our mental and emotional relationships to those thoughts. Example: replacing our relationship with food as being a comfort and distraction during stressful times, to food being a means to nurture health and vitality. Two vastly different relationships resulting in opposing approaches and outcomes. For lasting positive change to occur, we must challenge the truth of our thoughts. It is vital to coach ourselves to become increasingly more aware of our thoughts that develop our negative internal dialogue, that produce the same old disappointing reactions to life. It is important to understand that we are all dysfunctional, even the most experienced and evolved people have issues. As Bruce Lee said, “Only the fool doesn’t know that they are a fool.” We all do foolish things, so exchange the guilt, shame, and self-loathing for compassion and acceptance that we will screw up. Failure is integral to learning, learning is essential to loving. The goal is to learn from failures, ours, others, and to adapt. Treating ourselves like a cherished friend that we forgive and love unconditionally is tremendously helpful. Once we recognize our issue, it is time to replace that unwanted superhighway with a new healthy path. The new behaviour will likely be difficult at first. New paths are a struggle, or they are an adventure, depending on one’s perspective. Yet with each attempt, gradually our minds remap, and our neuron pathways become stronger while the old behaviour due to lack of use becomes less attractive as an option, eventually it fades and becomes obsolete.
Example: we feel anxious and our habit is to eat, medicate, or isolate, to avoid our discomfort. However, we are becoming more aware of the connection of our anxieties to our thoughts, so we challenge our thinking. Is food the right answer now, or is there something else? By challenging limiting habits, we attend directly to the issue, our anxiety. We ask ourselves, is it true, or a fabrication and often an exaggeration of our fearful thoughts? Now, when stress emerges, we can internally acknowledge our issues. We may choose to substitute overeating with going for a walk, breathing, meditating or journal writing. The dysfunctional path will die a quicker death when we refuse to accept that it is an option. Replace degrading thoughts with more truthful and kinder and inspiring thoughts about who we wish to be. Replace unhealthy habits with our first instinctively healthy alternative. With every dysfunction that we successfully transform, future issues are overcome due to our Zen like commitment to loving rather than limiting ourselves.
Masterful people are mindful of their thinking, weeding out the negative while nurturing the positive. Their actions reflect their beliefs and values, as personal integrity grows, so does self-worth. They know themselves more intimately, therefore they welcome rather than fear change. They embrace difficulty, and the growing pains that yield insights and courage to achieve their vision. The more we embrace change around our dysfunctional pathways, the more skilled we become at learning and loving. We become the master architect of our lives, by connecting to our logical minds and our loving hearts.
Namaste
Instructor Chris
Wisdom - how do we learn and earn insight, and how do we encourage children to value applied knowledge? Stories are common about children seeking wisdom from their parents and grandparents, or a young entrepreneur getting mentored by a seasoned businessperson. There are also contrasting stories where parents, teachers, and coaches are mocked for being outdated and possessing little relevant value. In some cultures, parents and grandparents are revered elders. These elders may not dress in the latest fashion, listen to modern music, or speak the nuances of their children’s generation. Typically, elders are less comfortable with computers and do not understand the endless references of social media that entertain our youth. Their value and connection are not about fitting in, being accepted, or in having common interests. Elders create connection through shared life experience and undying kindness. Elders connect with love and respect, even when that love and respect is not reciprocal.
An important question is, do your kids value your counsel, do they seek the wisdom of others and their challenging perspectives? In order for parents to nurture children to value information, candor, and experiences that will illuminate wise actions, we need to become a treasured mentor or elder. It would be remiss to believe that children only want quick answers. They need relationships with elders to develop trust in themselves, to know that they are capable of wisdom. From interactions with elders, they learn the importance of unbiased information, opposing viewpoints and pausing to check in with their emotions. Elders provide a safe place for youth to touch base with their love and logic. These relationships create resiliency and confidence in youth, so that they begin to understand that all we can do is our best, in each moment and in each decision.
Elders have common traits that distinguish them as being a valuable asset to the next generation. Elders make themselves available. Elders create time to listen and have no time to judge. They share experiences, painful failures, and riveting adventures effortlessly. Elders don’t just share ideas; they involve youth by wrapping them up in the gift of their vulnerability. Elders question youth in supportive ways, putting aside their personal agendas. They are inquisitive and caring and willing to let youth go through the pain that hones wisdom over time. Elders accept youth as they are, and where they are at. Despite setbacks, they trust in children’s greatness, which unlocks imaginations, stirs hopes, and expands dreams.
It would be unfair to characterize elders as superior beings who have all the right answers. One size fits all solutions rarely exists. Being the keeper of wisdom is not a pretense elders can afford, nor is ego. Youth sees through such facades. Elders are ordinary people who provide extraordinary service by being present, honest, and open to those around them. Elders don’t quit, even when the seeker does. Persistently patient, they instill positive belief, because that is what they give over and over. Given the chance, young people seek truth above shallowness; popularity, meaningless distractions, or relationships formed for only their personal gain. Naturally, this perspective is not true of all youth, yet in their own time, most youth will rise to meet the challenges, especially when patient elders believe in their highest potential.
It is a common sentiment that parents feel like imposters when they step into the role of being an elder. When someone is trusting you with stuff that is real and raw about them, they have dispelled the notion of you as an imposter, for they have chose you as their elder. We too must rise to the occasion and believe in our ability to have something of value, to share. Regardless of culture, social status, religion or era, kids need elders and elders need the eager hearts and minds of children who will complete this beautiful cycle of wisdom and become elders themselves.
The highest form of wisdom is kindness.
Instructor Chris
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When our kids goof up, telling them to use common sense, or stating that the answer is obvious, is rarely effective. Parent’s life experiences combined with a mature, more developed brain, assist us in identifying relevant factors for discerning appropriate courses of action. Often parents forget or are unaware that the child’s mind is not fully formed and unable to draw upon the conclusions that the typical adult takes for granted. Coupled with significant less life experience, (a 5 yr. old has only 60 months on the planet) obvious, is simply not obvious. Therefore, comments regarding obvious, and using common sense is felt by our kids as judgemental, overly critical, and personal. This kind of parental feedback is rarely viewed by children as having a positive intent.
As author Wayne Dyer says, judging others does not define them, it defines us.
Judging children or others may feel like a means to educating them, we think we are instilling a much-needed course correction. However, especially for children, being judged as wanting, this does little to illuminate the logic of a problem, it only adds to their insecurities.
When a parent reads anger on an individual’s face, it seems so obvious. For the child, who’s brain does not register facial expressions or social cues, obvious seems more like magic. In time most developing minds will learn these subtle intricacies, but what about the kid’s self-esteem during this process? The developed mind can learn to read people more carefully, children can learn to cope, adjust, and adapt to information that is not intuitive for them. However, these mental connections are difficult for the child if the brain wiring is not yet complete. This is as true for a toddler as it is for your teenager.
As parents we are trying our best to guide and support, sometimes a little understanding can help with our compassion and more effective parental strategies. Here are some interesting points for parents of teenagers or emerging teens:
Regardless of your teen’s success in school or their I.Q. sound judgements are not something they can excel at, at least not yet. The rational part of a teens brain has not fully developed. In an adult we utilize our prefrontal cortex, the brain’s logical aspect to make choices. This part of the brain allows us to respond to situations and draw rational conclusions. The wiring of the prefrontal cortex enables us to make tangible connections between our behaviour / choices and likely consequences. In other words, adults have the ability to engage good judgement and to develop common sense strategies.
Teens process information differently using an emotional part of the brain, the amygdala. The connections between the emotional part and the decision-making center of the brain are still developing. That is why when teens have overwhelming emotional input, they can’t explain later what they were thinking. They weren’t thinking as much as they were feeling. The rational part of a teen’s brain will not be fully developed until the age of 25 -30.
So, what can we do besides being more aware of the teenage mind?
· Try discussing the -what if game- if I do this action what are the possible consequences. With your help and insights, your teenager can improve impulsive thinking, and link their actions to logical outcomes.
· Coach children that they are resilient and capable in making wise choices, especially with experience and counsel. This shows faith in their abilities and encourages them to discuss their life and difficult choices with you.
· Show an interest in the things that interest your kids, this indicates to them that they are important to you. This bolsters self-esteem and autonomy in decision making.
· As with your partner/spouse, ask your kid if they want you to respond, or if they just want you to listen. Trying to fix their problems with sermons leaves them out of the equation for addressing life’s lessons. They are more likely to share their life with you if you ask them lots of questions to access their ideas and wisdom.
In conclusion, replace judgements with, listening, supportive discussions and patience. Whenever possible be proactive and discuss up coming choices before they become highly emotional. If it turns into an emotional crisis, create an emotional safe place for them. Remind them that they can play a positive role in bad situations. Our brains are amazingly fluid, and wisdom flows better when it has a foundation of love and support.
Have a great fall/winter!
Namaste,
Instructor Chris
*supportive research from University of Rochester Medical Center
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Parents prioritize many aspects of their children’s growth. Like a nurse triaging, parents will select what is relevant or crucial for their child’s continued growth. We tend to know our kid’s strengths, and it is helpful to acknowledge and build upon those competencies. Sometime, their weaknesses are not addressed or challenged in ways that provide tools for meaningful change. Conversely, our children’s weak areas may become too much of a focus, and thus their self image is based on their flaws. A balance needs to be struck between identifying and accepting weaknesses and acknowledging and being grateful for strengths. If there is an imbalance, I would emphasize building from the child’s strengths to improve weaknesses, even if those strengths are not always being applied. Building from strengths is leveraging on a more positive self-image, and typically yields greater results.
In addition, it is often best to praise effort over achievement. “You participated with heart and courage – over – You scored the most goals, or you’re the most flexible dancer. Linking approval and self-worth to effort, persistence, and having a positive attitude promotes a more sustainable self image. Whereas, only praising achievement creates a self image based on comparisons to others, rather than on self improvement. Even the most talented child will find others who are more talented. Like a dog chasing its own tail, they seek an unattainable goal of being the best to secure love and approval from their tribe.
Parents, teachers, and children’s comfort zones can get in the way of addressing personal growth issues. Parents need to be brave beyond our need to be liked and challenge our kids to be better. We may feel in time our kids will absorb the understandings and skills that they currently lack. Why stir the pot? Why bring up uncomfortable issues? Because, when we do not stir the pot, stuff gets burned. Our kids are going to get burned in life, it is inevitable. When we tackle the tough personal issues together, the difficult lessons in life are more easily absorbed. We can help kids to look forward to constructive criticism, to value self knowledge and growth, even if it is initially painful. How? By loving kids unconditionally while we challenge them to address their insecurities or weaknesses. Celebrate their strengths with an air of humility and gratitude. Celebrate and challenge, ingrains an attitude in the child that values themselves while equally valuing continuous growth.
Schools attend to the whole child, yet typically this environment favours academic excellence over self awareness and communication skills. Children can focus on school with far greater attention, when they are feeling safe physically, emotionally, and socially. When a child is distracted by insecurities, like being physically bullied, excluded, or generally unaccepted by their peer group, academics will not be a priority for them.
Even, the socially gifted and naturally confident kids will benefit from addressing their weaknesses or challenging their understandings that are limiting them in life. Therefore, I feel Life Skills or Philosophy Concepts are so relevant to children’s development.
Here is a concept to explore with your children.
Life is not fair, it is life, with ups and downs. With a great attitude you can be grateful for the ups and learn from the downs.
Share this wisdom with your kids when things are obviously going well. When they are not in crisis mode, the message can be more easily digested. Also, review this wisdom when things are obviously horrible. Encourage them to adopt a great attitude where they can choose to learn from any difficult challenge.
We can ask our kids whether they want to be bitter or better? Life will undoubtedly give all of us the opportunity to experience both, it is our choice of attitude that makes all the difference.
Namaste
Instructor Chris
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Children are our privilege not our legacy. Directing our children to live a life that fulfills our desires and diminishes our fears, is a recipe for growing resentments. We can however, aim to inspire them with our philosophy and lead them with our positive life choices, while still respecting that they are unique individuals. Having kids abide by our rules while they reside with us, can be partnered with respecting their unique perspectives, desires and expression in life.
Our kids will see life through their own lens, and are happiest if they are allowed to follow their hearts, passion, and individual beliefs. Wise parents resist molding their children into mini versions of themselves, rather, they encourage independent thinking and authentic expression of self, realizing that this path enhances potential greatness and inner peace.
Namaste,
Instructor Chris
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Our children learn tremendous amounts from us parents, even things we do not want them to learn. They learn from our blunders and struggles as much as our successes. Typically, they learn most from our actions. Our day to day behaviours have the greatest impact on the views our children have about life and about themselves. Children learn from parents about how they should behave in order to be accepted. From parents they glean their values, and moral compass. Parents instill in their children what is important. Based on parents’ words and behaviours, kids formulate what is possible for them to achieve.
If we dream small and set low expectations for ourselves, safe as that may be, our kids will probably aspire to having low, easily attainable goals as well. Even if these goals are realized, self satisfaction is rarely achieved by reaching for mediocrity.
Children more readily aspire to loftier goals when optimism, courage and insight is role modeled. By setting the bar high for our own self growth, we create our greatest potential. Thus, our children learn not to limit their own abilities, but rather to seek their highest potential.
As parents grow personally, so will their children.
Instructor Chris
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